James Wylder, Writer

England, somewhere outside a pit, 1651.
The young man ran. He’d been running for what seemed like ages now. He’d fought, and lost, and fought, and lost again, and now all there was left was running.
But this time, the running was a little different than he’d expected.
He slipped behind the tree, trying to keep his breath quiet. His face was still dirty from hiding in a hole to escape the last people chasing him. Now this.
Nervously, he leaned his head out around the tree, slowly edging his way out, and bumped his forehead into someone else’s.
“Ow!” said Lady Aesculapius.
“Ow!” agreed the young man.
“Why are you hiding behind a tree?”
“Why are you creeping around a tree?”
“I’m on a secret mission!”
“I’m being chased by soldiers.”
Aesc stuck her lips out and nodded. “That’s the pits. Like, the violent type of soldier?”
“Is there another?”
“My girlfriend was a soldier and...no she still punches people, forget that.”
Beyond the trees, they heard approaching voices and footsteps.
“Hey, new friend--”
“Charlie.”
“Awesome, how about we run for our lives?”
They ran, until the sounds of the soldiers behind them faded, and they wheeled to take shelter behind a different larger tree then before.
“Ow!” Jason said as Charlie slammed into him.
“Ow!” Charlie replied.
“Ow!” Aesc said as she slammed into Blanche.
“Huh, so you just looped back around?” Blanche said.
Aesc frowned as she rubbed her nose. “You were supposed to say ‘Ow!’, we had a bit going!”
Blanche looked at the young man. “Who is this?”
“He’s Charlie. Soldiers want him for some reason.” Lady Aesc turned to face him. “We’ll protect you, and keep you safe, alright?”
He bowed his head. “Thank you, thank you so much but...what are you doing here?”
There were shouts, and the sounds of terrified soldiers fleeing into the night.
“I think we just found what we’ve been looking for,” Aesc grinned. “Does everyone have their secret weapon? I have my book of matches!”
“I have my thermos of hot liquid!” Jason volunteered.
“I have my military-grade flamethrower,” Blanche finished.
“Good, we’re all set then…”
From behind the tree, the sounds grew closer, and hazarding a look, Charlie peeked to see what it was.
It was made of ice and snow, a long limbed thing with a forked tail and a big sack hoisted over its back. It turned its head from side to side, ice eyes rolling around till it stopped, and began to pull the sack open.
It was a funny feeling when the sack opened up - it wasn’t so much that things looked different, as they felt different. The world felt...colder.
“Aesc, this feels...wrong,” Blanche noted.
“That snow-imp thing is...it’s putting the day into the sack. This day. The first day of Christmas. But...why? Why would it want time?”
Blanche took the safety off the flamethrower. “Well, we should probably stop it stealing time then.”
“Eh, nevermind, new plan. The flamethrower probably isn’t the best call here,” Aesc jumped out from behind the tree, and held up a glass marble at the creature.
“Come at me, bro!” she yelled. The creature gave a roar, and rushed at her, and as it got close to the marble...shrunk down and seemed to zip inside it. With a wink, Aesc followed, and then Jason shrank after her!
Blanche looked at Charlie, and as he tried to find words to describe the witchcraft happening around him, she grabbed him by the shirt and chucked him at the marble.
He shrank! Or, maybe the marble grew? Before he knew it, he was standing in a crystal room, next to the three strangers and the creature. It roared again, and then began melting as the temperature rose.
It stumbled forward, feet turning to puddles of water leaving behind only the sack, and a card.
“What is happening?” Charlie cried out. “And what was that monster?
Aesc hopped in the puddle. “A snow imp. No idea where it’s from.” She picked the card up from the ground. “Wow, never mind, I should have waited literally ten seconds.”
Jason took the card from her and looked at it. Charlie peered at it over his shoulder.
“Co-ordinates!” Jason exclaimed.
“Precisely, so I guess I do know where it’s from, whoops.” Then her brow furrowed. “Crap. I missed something obvious there. Let me see the card with the coordinates again."
"Why can't we just give it to Phil, wouldn't that save time?"
"Phil?" Charlie asked.
"I'm the ship," Phil answered from the entire room.
Charlie nodded, his pupils growing expansive.
"Just hand me the card already."
Jason slipped it over, and Aesc's brow furrowed. "These are negative coordinates."
"Coordinates inside the 10,000 Dawns are never negative." Blanche said.
"That's...not entirely true. Damn it, Festive Firmament..." she sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. "This Lady Frostbite, whoever she is, took the 12 days of Christmas into the Sketch."
"Obligatory response you want where we ask you to explain what the Sketch is," Blanche monotoned.
"During the creation of the 10,000 Dawns, there were several...beta versions. Rough drafts. When the 10,000 Dawns were all finished it was decided it would be immoral to get rid of them, despite each one having some sort of major flaw to it. You know how sometimes when you play a videogame they leave in levels they deleted early on in development in the code because it's easier to leave the code there than cut them out? It's sort of like that. Each negative Dawn is one of those universes. A few of them are close to a finished state, most of them resemble a white canvas with a plot of land smack dab in the middle."
Blanche and Jason applauded, and Charlie started applauding too so he wouldn't feel left out.
"Excellent info dump Aesc!" Jason praised.
"You're really getting better at exposition, babe!" Blanche noted.
Aesc brushed the compliments out of the air but didn't hide her blush. "Well, I have been practicing."
“Are you angels or demons?” asked Charlie. “Spirits?”
Aesc picked up the sack, and looked inside it. “Well, think of us as guardians of existence. Whatever that means to you personally, I’ll just roll with it for today.”
“If that’s true...is this some sort of angelic sphere?” Charlie looked around at the incredible shining room, with its crystal walls and crystal terminals.
"It's extremely crystal, isn't it?" said Blanche. "'Crystal' always seems to be THE adjective."
"This is the Factory of...wait for it...Crystal," said Lady Aesc. She dumped the snow imp's sack on a nearby table. "A sack that can steal time? That's going straight in the sanctum."
"It can travel to different dimensions, and shrink and grow to any size," said Jason, trying to be helpful. "The Factory, not the sack. Fun fact: we're tiny right now! But so is the whole Factory, so it doesn't look that impressive."
Charlie moved to the window and looked out at the deep blue horizon. He smiled, not really listening. "Excellent. Wonderful. That sounds...fine. This whole place is filled with wonder...I feel happier than I have since Cromwell banned Christmas.”
“In 1647,” Blanche whispered to Jason. “Since we should try to be mildly educational."
"Just entering the co-ordinates on the card," said Lady Aesc, swiping her fingers across the sharp points inside a geode to type letters and shapes on a screen. "With luck, it'll take us to Lady Frostbite's universe in the Sketch."
"So what exactly are you doing?" asked Charlie.
"We've been recruited to save the twelve days of Christmas," Blanche answered.
"I see. Recruited by whom?"
"Ooh, we love a good 'whom'," said Lady Aesc. "By the Firmament of Festive Cheer. We were having a nice relaxing break on Pastellion Major when they reached out to us."
"They made all the gifts from the ‘twelve days’ song appear, like the five gold rings!" Jason explained.
Lady Aesculapius rolled her eyes. "Obviously those weren't THE five gold rings. I've seen THE five gold rings, when their power was brought together by the five Gingerbread Lords to defeat King Kralltova'ar and his Tinsel Armada. Hold onto your stockings," she said as she reached for the switch.
Charlie reached down and grabbed his stockings.
"Oh, Charlie dear that's just an expression, sorry."
She flipped the switch, the Foce began to spin, and a white circle appeared beneath it. It dropped down, and fell into the Labyrinth below the Dawns, the shining crystal bifrost path winding through it.
"She wasn't kidding. Everything is crystal," Charlie whispered. Jason and Blanche just nodded knowingly.
"Now, we go through to the other side."
Jason looked over at her. "You told me the only thing on the other side of the Labyrinth was chaos."
"That wasn't a lie."
The Foce dove down below the road, far into the darkness.
Eventually they reached some sort of barrier, which the Foce pushed through, and there stood a circular gate. Perhaps it could be called a portal - it looked similar to the white ones the Foce always travelled through, only older, with strange symbols floating in its swirling white.
Inside the Foce, a rectangle appeared in front of Lady Aesc.
"Terms and conditions." She scrolled through it without reading it, and hit the ‘accept’ icon floating in the air. "Alright, here we go. Into the unknown."
The gate opened, and the Foce flew through. On the monitors and out the window, they saw a whirlwind of places, some like notebook sketches. As wireframe figures looked up at them, they passed soldiers in samurai armor fighting space marines under an ocean falling from the sky, then passed into another world where rollerbladers sped down a spiralling crystal ramp towards a dark portal at its center, as a being with a horse skull for a head watched them. They passed through a time machine being grown under a building in Indianapolis, and through a battle of velociraptor cavalry charging toward mechs.
"All of these are rejected worlds?" Jason asked, in awe.
"Yep. None of them were quite right."
"You're saying we could have been riding dinosaurs and that got rejected?"
Aesc sighed. "Yeah that was a bad call."
The negatives increased, until finally the readings stopped.
"We're here! Wherever here is. I really don't know."
Below them was a great battlefield outside a domed city in the middle of a frozen wasteland. Aesc directed the ship in a casual glide to get a good view of the place, then suddenly began scrambling, letting out occasional "Ahhh!!!"s, "Oh no, bad, BAD!"s, and "I completely forgot they made a third Highlander movie..."s.
"I don't really understand all this," Charlie said, "but this isn't good right?"
"It's terrible!" Aesc yelled. "Uh, turns out there are some problems with the laws of physics here."
"What do you mean a problem with the laws of Physics?" Jason shouted. "They're laws, but for physics!"
"And this place was a beta test of some bad ideas about physics! Gravity is a mess here, and so are crystalline energy structures. The Foce is getting sucked dry. I'm going to take us in for a landing..."
The three non-Aesc residents of the room huddled together, grabbing onto things as the walls began to dim.
There was a plop, and the Foce set down, promptly ejecting all four of its travellers onto a snowy field. Aesc picked up the marble-sized Foce. It wasn't glowing.
"So, good news or bad news first?"
"Good?" Jason said.
"Your new haircut looks really nice on you, I know you've had it for a few weeks now but honestly? Keep it. Also, I managed to get Phil to send a message to the Firmament of Festive Cheer, letting him know where the issue is coming from. Okay, the BAD news is the Foce can't generate new power to open a portal out of here so...I don't actually know how we're getting home."
Blanche stood up, and looked around them. "It looks like years of battles happened here. What sort of place is this?"
Around them, the snow rose up. The white blanket grew teeth and legs and arms, and with a great sack it swept them up, one by one, and dragged them towards the dome.

The sack opened up, and they were met by the inquisitive blue and brown lynx eyes of a rather gangely but cute young woman with a snowman beret in her light-blue hair.
"Oh! More people from outside the bubble! Hello!"
"Uh," Lady Aesc said, "are you Lady Frostbite?"
She laughed. "Of course not! I'm Krioka, the lead scientist in charge of snow imp development. Pleased to make your acquaintance!"
"I'd be happier to meet you if I wasn't being held in a sack, but hello!" Aesc replied.
"Have they arrived?" a voice called out, firm and imposing.
The young lady bowed her head. "Yes, Lady Frostbite. The snow imps retrieved them. Some of them are pretty cute!"
There was a scoffing noise, and then the group were dumped out of the sack unceremoniously at the feet of another woman. She had the same shade of light blue hair but done in one long thick braid, and the same shade of blue and brown lynx eyes. There the similarities ended. Her expression showed firm displeasure, her arms were crossed and legs were apart in a power stance. Her white military uniform was perfectly fitted, and gave the impression that the insignias and pins on the breast had all been earned. Surrounding them were dozens of snow imps.
"Tell me," she said, "who are you?"
Aesc popped up. "I'm Lady Aesculapius! Which I hope is easier to spell in this negative universe. You must be Lady Frostbite? I've heard nothing about you except your name and that you're stealing time, but that lends you an air of mystery! Why exactly are you stealing time?"
Frostbite looked over at Jason, "You?"
"Jason Jackson, pilot, newly an interuniversal adventurer."
She nodded. "The armored one."
Blanche looked the woman up and down. "Blanche Combine. I'm a baker and girlscout troop leader."
The woman scowled, then turned to Charlie. She looked at his clothes. "He...he's not even from the same time as you is he?"
"No, but I love picking up strays," said Lady Aesc. "Guest casts are fun!"
Krioka cleared her throat. "Supreme General, Lady Frostbite, I believe we've made a breakthrough on adding the first day to the loop."
"Excellent, but don't disturb me for the moment."
Aesc frowned. "I demand to know why you're stealing Christmas. What do you have against the holiday? It's a cheery time, one for family and friends!"
Frostbite did not change her expression. "You really think it being Christmas meant anything to me at all?" She walked towards the glass wall of the dome and looked out. Great metal striders, spindly legs jerking as they walked, patrolled the perimeter. "The twelve days of Christmas are held together by the power of the five Gingerbread Lords. The days are a concept we could steal, easily, and graft onto our own time. Time is what we want - what we need. There isn't enough."
Charlie squinted. "You can't steal time."
"You can steal time," Jason, Blanche, Aesc, Krioka, Lady Frostbite, and a passing janitor all said in reply.
"I stand corrected."
"But what does puzzle me," Aesc said, "is why you'd need to steal time of all things."
Frostbite furrowed her brows. "To understand that, you need to understand the world. Our world, our people - the Numbered - have been at war with the Infinite for generations. When I ascended to lead us, we were on the cusp of victory but...things fell apart. Our enemies allied against us. We fell back, and fell back, until only this city remained. But our scientists-" (Krioka waved) "-developed a way to save us from death and defeat: we could set up a time loop. A seven day cycle that would repeat over and over, never allowing the moment our city falls to reach us." She gritted her teeth. "But never enough time to change the future."
"Well, there's your first problem. The same loop will just repeat itself over and over with that plan."
"Oh!" Krioka's hand shot up. "After Lady Frostbite threatened to cut both my hands off, I had a great idea. See, we could distribute the energy caused by the time loop happening at its end point, and use that to send the memories of one person back to the start of the loop! So naturally, because I didn't want my hands cut off, our Illustrious Leader has kept her memories of...however many loops this has been now."
"And over that time, I realized there was no way to change our fate, because one week is simply too little time," she grinned. "And then I learned of the outside universes."
Krioka looked down at her feet.
"We tested sending men into those other worlds, but it turns out gravity works differently there, and they died instantly. So Krioka created my new minions," she gestured at the snow imps.
"Doesn't it bother you that you're creating living beings to throw their lives away?" Blanche yelled.
"Huh?" Krioka looked shocked. "No, they're not alive at all. But analyzing them has taught me a lot about gravity outside our bubble..."
Jason nudged Charlie and Blanche, and they leaned in so he could whisper to both of them. "Isn't she telling us a lot of her plan?"
"I am," Lady Frostbite answered. "You weren't really being that quiet. But I have my reasons. Imps, bring the boy to me, leave a guard on the rest."
The imps dragged Charlie away, holding back the others, as Krioka turned her back, trying not to watch.


* * *


Charlie was dropped into a room filled with memories that weren’t his own. Pictures, medals, pieces of junk with some event attached to them he couldn't know, and there in the center of it all, Lady Frostbite.
"Hello there. Charlie is it?"
He rose to his feet, trying to regain his posture. "That is I."
"I separated you because you're not like those three. They were on some ridiculous adventure and dragged you along. That's how it always goes, isn't it?" She ran her hands along a ceramic cylinder on a stand.
"They saved me. They're good people, though I don't know them well."
"Oh is that what they did? Saved you? Look at you, I know exactly what kind of person you are."
He raised his chin. "What kind of person is that?"
"A survivor. I can see it in your eyes. What have you been doing to survive? Hiding in pits? Fleeing from place to place. Maybe you're some sort of deserter, or criminal, or just a victim of misfortune. It doesn't matter. You know what it takes to survive. Like I do."
He looked into her eyes. She held her gaze on him, those firm eyes that seemed to dig into him like screws.
"You're a survivor?"
She reached onto the shelf, then handed him an empty can. "That can you're holding once held the only food I had for a week. I kept it, I don't even know why. I dragged myself through the mud, and learned what put me on another level from the people who stayed crawling in the muck their whole lives."
He looked at the can. The label had peeled off long ago; there was no hint as to what it had contained once. "What was that?"
"I have no time for frivolity, and no qualms with exacting vengeance. I may have pulled a little fib." She allowed herself a smirk, and twirled a strand of her light blue hair on her finger. "I was just a young girl then, when my father was lost fighting the Infinite, and I was left to flee...running from place to place. A Lady with no land, a title with no meaning. And I remember those fools celebrating with their loved ones who I begged from, and even more foolishly they gave me bread. What point is there celebrating the time you have? To be merry isn’t practical. It isn’t useful. And I didn’t survive by having fun. So of course I wanted to take the twelve days of Christmas, because I hate the idea of people outside our bubble having fun. They deserve to suffer, as I suffered."
Charlie set the can down. "I...can't believe that. There has to be more to life than just...surviving.”
"There is. There's focus and power. Join me here, Charlie. You're like me. A survivor. You know what it's like to live without the wastes of entertainment."
Charlie thought back to his home in England. He loved the plays, the theatre...the theaters Cromwell had shut down.
"So then Charlie, what will it be?"


* * *


"Pst, PST, Scientist lady!" Blanche said. "Get over here."
"I'm...working."
Jason cut in. "And I can tell this isn't what you want to be doing. You're a scientist, not some flunky for a dictator who couldn't win a war so much she's lost it who knows how many times, the same way, over and over."
Krioka turned around. "Well...perhaps."
"Not perhaps," Blanche said. "I was a soldier once, Krioka, I can tell one when I see one. No offense but that really isn't you, and that's fine. This isn't where you'll be happy."
Krioka, who had been picking up a partridge and examining it for pear tree remnants set the bird back into its cage. "You're right...but there's no other path."
"Of course there's another path! What's the hardest choice you’ve ever made?"
Krioka laughed. "Easy. Transitioning. My parents didn't accept me and that...hurt a lot."
Jason leapt on it. "So, think about that. In the grand scheme of things, Miss Krioka the crazy smart scientist who is unhappy working for an evil dictator, she's already been brave. Why can't she be brave enough to help three people who could in turn help her get to a world where she wouldn't be repeating the same week over and over for eternity? Where she could be happy the way she dreamed she could be?"
Krioka looked at the snow imps. "Let's say...lets say I want to help you. I can't survive outside of this loop, the gravity in your universes--"
"I can work around that!" Aesc interjected. "No worries. I have a plan."
"Huh. Alright then...when would your escape plan start?"
"As soon as possible."
"Right," said Krioka, looking again at the snow imps. She walked over to the thermostat. "I hope you know what you’re doing."
Lady Aesculapius smirked. "Trust me, my plan is absolutely flawless."


* * *


There was a knock on the door, and Frostbite gestured for Charlie to open it, which he acquiesced to.
A soldier was there, same lynx eyes and light blue hair. "Ma'am, we just caught your prisoners and lead scientist Krioka attempting to escape."
Frostbite glowered. "Krioka? Well well well. I've wasted enough time. Execute them. Immediately. Along with Charlie here, who turned down my very generous offer."


* * *


Aesc blew air up from her bottom lip.
"Are you...trying to move your blindfold?" Blanche asked.
"Maybe."
"You're such a dork," she half laughed half cried.
"Blanche?"
"I'm sorry, I just didn't think we'd be going out this way, on Christmas Eve. Didn't even get to see the real day."
"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have dragged you, Jason, and Charlie here. Or gotten Krioka in this mess."
"You'll be fine though, you'll just get a new body."
"Not here...the rules are different in the Sketch. I don't think I'll come back. Though I won't complain if I'm wrong."
Blanche sniffled. "I love you, Aesc. Merry Christmas."
"I love you too. Merry--"
"Firing squad at the ready!" A voice called. "By the order of Lady Frostbite, you are to be executed."
"Can I have a final word?" Jason asked.
"No," the firing squad leader answered. "Ready your rifles!"
"Blanche?" Jason called out.
"Yeah?"
"I'm real glad we met."
"Me too, Jason."
"Aesc, same deal."
She laughed. "Same deal to you too. Charlie? You've been really brave, and I'm so sorry."
"Oh, it is alright...I suppose I was just running from it this whole time anyway."
"Krioka? Thanks for being brave too and--"
They could hear the sound of jingling bells, followed by clomping hooves.
"What's that?"
There was a massive thud, and the skidding of something to a halt.
"I really wish I could see right now," Krioka noted.
A blast of wintery air blew through and whipped their blindfolds up, revealing the firing squad, and…
"Father Christmas!?" Charlie exclaimed.
"Ho ho ho! The one and only!" called the jolly old man in the red suit. The reindeer pulling his sleigh clomped their hooves in greeting.
"The Firmament of Festive Cheer!" Aesc cried "You got my message!"
"Of course I did! I hear every wish on Christmas!"
The firing squad captain clapped his hands together. "Right, so, shoot them quickly then. Let's not lose our opportunity."
Santa held his hands out. "Wait, hold up there. It's Christmas Eve, and nearly Christmas Day!"
Krioka gasped. "It is?"
"Merry Christmas, Krioka!" Aesc called out.
"Aesc, hold it off, just a little longer. We haven't seen Christmas in hundreds of years here."
"How is--OH. OHHHHH. Hey firing squad guy! Yes you, clappy guy, what do you want for Christmas?"
He scoffed. "You're not going to trick me that easily. Ready! Aim!"
And then, the clock struck midnight, and the time loop reset.


* * *


Lady Aesc, Krioka, Jason, Blanche, and Charlie stood in the middle of a bustling crowd in white uniforms, blue hair going this way and that way. The firing squad captain narrowed his eyes at them. "What are civilians doing in this sector? Get out of here!"
Charlie looked around. "You mean, you're not going to execute us?"
The captain rolled his eyes. "Only if you don't get out of our way! Our analysts think we could lose this war on Christmas morning if we don't get things together, so move!"
Santa laughed. "Why, let's help the man out: all aboard!"
Everyone scrambled onto the sleigh. It looked fairly small, but they found it easily had enough space for six people and the presents of several million children.
"Hey, uh, Santa, why do I still have my memories?" asked Krioka.
"Consider it a present, ho ho ho!"
Aesc slapped her forehead as she pulled Blanche onto her lap to maximize sled space, Blanche not complaining in the slightest. "I almost forgot! Firmament of Festive Cheer! Ask Krioka what she wants for Christmas?" Aesc winked at Krioka.
Krioka's eyes lit up. "Oh, I've really wanted a new wave spectrum--"
Aesc coughed. "Gosh, what would be something really useful if we were about to leave and go to a place with different gravity."
"Oh. Right. Yeah."
Santa turned to her. "What do you want for Christmas young lady?"
Krioka squinted. "...To survive outside the Sketch?"
"Ho ho ho! Your wish is granted!"
Blanche blinked. "But how, there's an inherent molecular incompatibility for them that--"
"It's a Christmas miracle!" gasped Lady Aesc.
"But the way gravity works in our universe, won't her molecules--"
"Christmas. Miracle." Lady Aesc narrowed her eyes.
"C'mon Blanche," Charlie smiled. "The spirits can do anything at Christmas!"
"Ah yes. Of course they can..." she mumbled.
"Of course we can! Ho ho ho! Now, on Dasher and Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet and Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!”
Jason and Blanche broke into harmony: “But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all?”
Santa smirked. "Punch it, Rudolph!”
The reindeer put their heads down and made a noise like an engine charging. Falling white specks of snow blurred back into lines and the sleigh blasted into hyperspace, leaving Lady Frostbite’s world far behind.
The brilliant tunnel of light flickered across Charlie's eyes. He leaned over the edge of the sleigh to check there were no strings. Everything was a stream of white and blue, with occasional silver and gold streaks that looked like the light catching on tinsel. Santa watched the kaleidoscope of colour for a while, then instinctually tugged on the reins.
The reindeer slowed and the sleigh dropped out of lightspeed with a sound like distant thunder. The white streaks of light became falling snowflakes again. Charlie was still hanging over the side, but now he could see a white ground covered in green fir trees.
Lady Aesculapius sat with a big smile on her face as they slowly drifted down to land. Krioka sat up when she saw where they were going: a large cabin in the middle of a clearing, with smoke pluming from its chimney and warm golden light emanating from its windows. The roof had a halo of green and red lights.
Jason turned to the others. "Where..."
"...Are we?" asked Blanche, an eyebrow raised. "Is that your question? Do they really need to put a sign up?"
"We literally have a sign up," said Santa, pointing.
The reindeer's hooves made contact with the snow and the sleigh softly touched down. They drifted for a few extra meters, passing by a wooden sign announcing 'Santa's Grotto'.
They came to a gentle stop and Santa stood up. "Well, here we are!"
They all gave the reindeer pets of gratitude before heading inside. The cabin was warm and inviting, and fully decorated for Christmas. Or maybe Santa's grotto was always like this, Blanche wondered. Chestnuts were roasting on an open fire, and a large colourful tree sat in the corner of the room.
"Please, help yourselves," said Santa, gesturing to a box full of Coca Cola bottles.
Jason picked one up. "Thank you. Didn't think Santa drank Coke..."
The jolly old man lowered himself into an armchair. "I don't to be honest, but they keep sending me boxes of the stuff for being in the adverts."
"I've always wondered about that," said Lady Aesc. "How did you get the Coke gig?"
"Oh, long story. You go to parties, you meet people." Santa gestured as he trailed off. "Interesting thing is, I was actually the second choice for the job. They wanted the Easter Bunny but then he ended up with Duracell."
Jason shook his head. "What is it with cute animals and capitalism on these adventures? I could write a thesis..."
Santa noticed Charlie examining photos of reindeer on the mantle. There were more reindeer in the photos than there were on the sleigh outside. "How many flying reindeer are there?" asked Charlie.
Lady Aesc answered. "Originally there were eight, then Rudolph was introduced, like the sixth Bionicle. There were ten others in 1902 - Flossie and Glossie, Racer and Pacer, Fearless and Peerless, Ready and Steady, and Feckless and Speckless - but they're part of Legends continuity now."
"Lady Aesculapius, I'm shocked," said Santa. "It's quite taboo to give anyone foreknowledge, let alone someone as important as Charles II."
Lady Aesc was quiet. "What?"
"Charles II," Santa repeated. "You're giving him knowledge of events in 1902."
"Am I?" Lady Aesc paused. She shut her eyes tightly, then rotated her body so she was facing Charlie, then opened them. "Are you Charles II?"
Charlie looked at her innocently. "Possibly."
"Oh, POSSIBLY," said Blanche, flapping her arms. "Who among us doesn't have moments where they kinda feel like royalty?"
"I have those," said Jason. "The 20 minutes after getting this haircut."
Santa leaned back in his armchair, absorbing the scene. "How does a person travel through time and space with Charles II and not know?"
"I wasn't travelling with him, he's not a companion!" said Lady Aesc. "Just a single-adventure support character!"
"Well never mind," said Santa. He turned to Charlie. "Listen my dear boy, what do you want for Christmas?"
Charlie thought about it. "I don't know. I haven't had Christmas in years, ever since it was outlawed by parliament. So I suppose...I just want to have it. The day, I mean."
Santa smiled. "Well I can certainly do that."
"Oh, you're back!" A welcoming voice was heard down the corridor and soon after a woman emerged in a similar red outfit to Santa, with reading glasses perched on her nose and her white hair up in a bun. "Hello dearies!"
"Everyone, this is my wife," said Santa.
"Nice to meet you Mrs Claus!" said Lady Aesc cheerfully. "I've always wondered, what is your first name?"
The kind old woman reacted like she'd just been asked to solve a complex equation. "Well my dear, there are many different interpretations..."
"...Of your own name?" asked Krioka, an eyebrow raised.
"Are you a Firmament too, or a human?" asked Blanche.
"And how do reindeer fly?" Charlie added.
Mr and Mrs Claus let out a hearty chuckle. "Ho ho ho!" said Santa. "So many questions, so little time! Come, let us celebrate a Merry Christmas together!"
Mrs Claus laughed joyously, then leaned in to her husband. "Good save."


Lady Aesculapius, Blanche, Jason, Charlie, Krioka, Santa, and Mrs Claus spent the afternoon eating fine food, swapping stories, and telling jokes. Terrible, terrible jokes from crackers, that relied on wordplay Charles II didn't get. He told them all stories about his adventures escaping England, and why he was on the run in the first place. Lady Aesc compared notes with him about how hard it is to effectively hide up an oak tree. Together they ate the most delicious turkey with gravy and stuffing and vegetables piled high. Santa gave them all presents - toy trains and teddy bears and a Lynx Africa set and a thing called an Apple Watch that one of the elves had made and wouldn't shut up about owning. But mostly they just enjoyed each other's company. Charlie smiled. They might be able to ban Christmas parties and festivals and gatherings, but there was no way anyone could steal the time spent with family and friends.


Santa waved them off and bowed slightly, a twinkle in his eye, as he closed the door to his grotto. Lady Aesc turned to Charlie. "Well. It's probably time we sent you back to where you were."
"Exactly where I was?" asked Charlie.
Lady Aesc nodded. "Afraid so. I can't mess around with history. Not one line."
Jason frowned. "But all we do is mess around with history! Surely to a time traveller, everything is history! Remember all the clocks in the clock room? Time is relative, there’s no such thing as 'the present', you absolutely can rewrite time if-"
Lady Aesc placed a finger over his lips. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." From the pocket of her grey tweed coat she pulled out a small music player with headphones. She slipped the headphones onto Jason's ears, handed him the music player, and moved his thumb over the play button, which was already set to play It's Five O'Clock Somewhere by Alan Jackson feat. Jimmy Buffett. She turned back to Charles II. "Anyway, time to go."
Charlie looked down, then nodded. "I understand. Thank you. All of you." He smiled at Jason and Blanche. "I've missed a good Christmas party, you know."
Lady Aesc looked at the grotto to see if Santa and Mrs Claus were still watching. They weren't. "Between the two of us," she said. "I know it'll be Christmas again one day."


Christmas Day - 1660


There was an energy in the streets that had been absent for a long time. Homes were decorated with boughs of holly and ivy. People ate mince pies and plum porridge and brawn. Businesses were being allowed to close so the workers could rest and spend time with their families.
Christmas had returned.
The king looked out the window. The palace behind him was overflowing with guests, drinking wine and eating the best food in the kingdom. He smiled. To think, once upon a time the act of eating well in December was seen as a crime.
A group of guards approached. "Your highness, there are visitors here to see you. They claim to know you personally."
Charles II turned and raised an eyebrow. "Really? Send them in."
The guards parted. "Well if it isn't Charles Episode II: Attack of the Clones!"
"Lady Askupilus!"
"After nine years, that's impressively close!" She bounded up to him and shook his hand.
Jason and Blanche followed, each greeting the king with a handshake and a small bow. "So," said Jason. "How were the 1650s?"
Charles II shrugged. "Overall, a bit hit or miss. But you were right, my lady: Christmas DID return!"
"I did indeed call it. Again, well remembered," said Lady Aesc. "Speaking of things being remembered, hope you don't mind, I've invited a few friends. They'll blend right in to the whole 1660 vibe, very inconspicuous."
Charles II looked over Lady Aesc's shoulder. Mingling with the lords and ladies of the king's court were a crew of Centro officers. Nagi Hikawa, Mia Santos, Cassie Richards, and their captain Jessica Zhane all looked fairly bewildered to be there and were attracting some attention. About as much attention as the gold woman in the corner, Professor Ko, although she was having far too much fun to notice. She swapped dimension-hopping stories with Graelyn and Arch, and shared sympathetic words with Krioka about what it’s like to invent things for evil people who control universes.
Sitting at a nearby table, enjoying some mince pies, Aria and Dory laughed and sang with Gabriele and Ezra. Everyone at the party gave their compliments to the baker of the pies, Virginia Stems-6, who was proud to be sharing her talents with so many new friends, including Nemesis (a lovely person with a sinister name) and Steve (a sinister person with a lovely name).
Dayani Mohan and her daughter Panna pulled an anachronistic Christmas cracker, having filled their days with joy and each other since being reunited. Alice McLeod, the chosen one and former leader of the C.O.O.L. Revolution told Panna new stories about young teenage heroes overcoming perilous odds. It started off as a trilogy but the final story ended up being split into two parts.
Lady Aesculapius looked at her friends and smiled. "Merry Christmas, Charlie."
Charles II smiled. "Merry Christmas, Lady Ask."
"Close enough."

It's been real fun bringing you this whole series of Lady Aesc adventures, and we hope you'll tell your pals about them now that they can be read straight through. None of this would have been possible without all the writers, artists, voice actors, and editors who gave so much of their time and talent to bring these tales to life--and we're sending crystalline thank you's out through the ether as we speak.

Oh, and Lady Aesc will be back for Series 2, along with her friends Jason and Blanche. Just give her some time; her, her friends, and the creators are all going to relax for a little bit. But rest assured, the journey won't end here.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, spend some time with the people you love.

Cheers-

Michael and James










Lady Aesculapius Series 1 is part of 10,000 Dawns, and is a publication of Arcbeatle Press.
Lady Aesculapius was created by James Wylder.
All original elements to this story are the property of the author.
All rights Reserved, Arcbeatle Press 2019.
Our cover art is by Anne-Laure Tuduri.

Any resemblance between persons living or dead, fictional characters, and real or fictional events is either co-incidental or has been done within the bounds of parody and/or satire.

You can learn more about 10,000 Dawns at http://www.jameswylder.com/10000-dawns1.html

The black staff boomed against the floor.
The hall fell silent.
The High Priest looked around the cavernous circular room at the assembled powers of the Kezarian people; the sea of shining golden skin and cool violet eyes, watching and waiting.
He lowered himself back into his throne. He looked to his right and to his left to consult the man and woman sitting next to him, and was given two nods. Then, with his gaze fixed on the tall double doors at the far end of the hall, he spoke: "Bring her forward."
There was a clunk and the heavy doors swung open.
Everyone waited for something to happen. A small squeaking noise was getting closer. Into the chamber came a young woman in a lab coat, her wild curly hair done up in a messy bun. The squeak was coming from the one wonky wheel on the table she was dragging, upon which sat some sort of machine. She moved agonisingly slowly into the center of the room, then finally stopped and turned. "So!" She clapped her golden hands together with a smile on her face. "Here we all are then, nice to see you, nice to see you, I'm Professor Ko. Let me tell ya, getting from the middle of Janterdon to the High Council chamber along the omega lightway, middle of rush hour? Nightmare, am I right?"
Silence. One of the Cardinals coughed.
She laughed and made an 'oh, you' hand motion. "Y'all know it. So, anyway! Welcome, great to be here, great to be here. Today, I've got a little invention to demo for you, something I whipped up in the lab, thought you might be interested. This," she gestured to the machine behind her, "is a little gizmo we boffins like to call...the Multiverse Window!" She gave a brief pause for that to land, then gave a little jazz hands and an "Ooooooooh!" to help build hype. "This thing, this thing, this right here? Allows you to view parallel universes!"
She held for applause.
The silence slowly lifted into a hum of confusion.
"Right, so, here's how it works, now look at this." The scientist stood over her machine. "You have a screen here and controls here. You just fiddle with the controls to tune into another universe, and the screen becomes a window into it. For example, right now I'm looking from our very own universe, home sweet home, into another universe twelve realities diagonally up, and...it's a world where my jokes are actually funny!" She let out a long, wheezing laugh and slapped her knee as she silently doubled over. Nobody joined in.


Cardinal Ley coughed and spluttered into his handkerchief.
"Something the matter?" asked the High Priest, impatiently.
"Not at all, please proceed." As many council members as could fit had piled into the lab where Professor Ko had connected the Multiverse Window to a larger screen.
The High Priest nodded. "Fire up the crystals, Cardinal."
Cardinal Ley flipped the switch. The larger screen fizzed and turned into a view of space with tiny stars dotting the canvas. There was a polite round of applause for what was in theory an image from another universe, but could have easily been a view of their own night sky.
"Now, let me just input some co-ordinates," said Professor Ko. The image fizzed again and turned into an overhead view of the omega lightway between Janterdon and the High Council chamber. "Now look at this, everyone! Look here! This is an alternate universe. You can tell from this, here, see where the omega lightway has been given a secondary lane to ease congestion? Not as bad as it is in our universe, huh?" She gave an open-mouthed smile.
Cardinal Ley considered the image on the screen. "You know, we could really use this. If we viewed this road in a hundred different realities, we could work out which design would be best for our own road."
The lightbulbs went off for all the council members. The High Priest nodded. "A sound idea. Well done, Professor Ko. It seems this has real applications."


The door slid open and Professor Ko entered the High Priest's office with a beaker of blue liquid. "Ah, Cardinal, I thought I'd find you here! Here you go," she said, passing the beaker to Cardinal Ley who sat opposite the High Priest. "This'll fix your asthma, permanently. Picked up the formula from a universe where we'd already cured it."
Ley sniffed the blue medical liquid, then downed it. It was like his lung capacity doubled. "Oh, that's marvelous! Thank you Professor. Your machine has changed history, you know that?"
"I just can't believe it," said the High Priest, reclining in his new chair that tilted back slightly to ease the tension in his spine. "In the last two years, crime rates have plummeted, diseases have been cured, the traffic is better...and soon we won't even need traffic once your mass teleportation technology has been successfully copied from universes that already have it."
Cardinal Ley nodded. "What you've accomplished with your machine, Ko, will be remembered for-"
A siren wailed. Red light flooded the office.
Professor Ko pushed a button on her watch. "Stax, what is it?"
"I don't know," said the shaky voice at the other end. "Something's entered this universe. From...outside."
Everyone in the office exchanged a glance.
The council quickly assembled in Professor Ko's laboratory, awaiting an explanation as the sirens kept wailing. "So from what I can tell, it seems, it's looking like," said Ko, "Three life forms entered our universe a few hours ago. Two of them are currently floating through space on top of the third like it's a ship. The ship is big," she said, reading numbers on a screen. "Big, big ship, made of some sort of living crystal. And this big crystal ship is scanning us. This planet. Best case scenario, some friends have arrived from another universe to say hello!" she said, an excited smile on her face.
"What's the worst case scenario?" asked the High Priest.
He was answered by murmurs from the council.
"A threat!"
"A warning!"
"A declaration of war!"
"Now, now, steady everyone, steady everyone" said Professor Ko. "We don't know if it's anything that serious. Now I would recommend...what would I recommend? Reaching out to these life forms, these mysterious people. Find out their intentions."
The High Priest considered the situation gravely. "We haven't had a war in years. Not since the Multiverse Window let us see into war-torn universes so we knew how to avoid becoming them. Now it seems these other universes are the only thing capable of bringing conflict to us."
Professor Ko laughed nervously. "I mean, what're you gonna do? End all other universes except this one?"


"Reality 5862 - 68/7 - Pod - Beetroot/50 has been successfully ended."
"Excellent," said the High Priest. "Another successful test."
"Though we believe some life forms managed to escape the destruction in...cross-dimensional escape pods," said Stax.
"It doesn't matter," said the High Priest. "Soon our strange new friend will deliver the weapon she's promised, and we can unleash the final blow, ending all universes at once. Tell me, when will that be?"
"As soon as Professor Ko finishes the universal shield."
The High Priest leaned back in his comfortable chair with a smile on his face. "Once it's done, nothing will threaten the safety of our universe. Nothing. Truly, this is the Utopia Dimension."

​The blast of cosmic umami surprised Lady Aesculapius. Blanche's buttercream frosting was delightful, and it briefly brought Jason back to his 7th birthday party, blowing out the candles and cramming a piece in his mouth before his parents could tell him to slow down. Then the flavour brought all three of them to another universe.
Their feet reached solid ground. Lady Aesculapius licked her fingers clean. "Now that's what I call a good bake." The three had materialised in some sort of alleyway.
"Oh! Hey there!" Jason waved to a stunned and stunning golden man with wide violet eyes.
"Can I just ask," said Blanche, approaching the terrified man. "What did that look like to you?"
The man stared. "You all sort of just...appeared in an explosion of frosting."
"Ooh! That's fun," said Lady Aesc. "What's your name?"
"Jaxill."
"Good name. Take me to your leader!"
Jaxill blinked. "You mean like...my employer?"
"No," said Blanche. "More like your head of state."
Jaxill blinked again. He turned away and wondered how much of his time he was willing to dedicate to frosting-centric aliens today. He turned back and nodded. "Follow me I guess."
Lady Aesc, Jason, and Blanche trailed behind Jaxill as they emerged from the alleyway into a bustling street. The people all wore bright colours and gave friendly smiles to one another as they passed.
"The Utopia Dimension," said Lady Aesculapius. "At last."
"Everyone here seems nice," said Jason.
"They're all gold," said Blanche.
"They're all hot," said Lady Aesc.
Jason looked around, sceptical. "I'll have to take your word on that last one."
"Hey, so what were you doing in that alley, anyway?" Blanche asked Jaxill.
"Shortcut. Just on my way back from my boyfriend's house. See that up there?"
The three followed his pointing finger up to a large round building on a hill in the distance.
"Is that where your leader lives?" asked Lady Aesc.
"I guess. I mean, I didn't vote for them, but yeah." They all had to lean forward slightly as they forced themselves up the steep hill. At the other side of the road, those who couldn't climb moved up the hill on a chair attached to a rail. "What do you want to see my leader about?"
"We want to stop them from destroying other universes," said Blanche.
"Cool," said Jaxill. "Can I help?"
"You are helping," smiled Lady Aesc.
They reached the top of the hill and took in the magnificent building in front of them. There was a lovely water feature outside and a small landing pad with docked ships.
"So," said Jason. "How are we getting in?"
"Front door," said Jaxill, pointing. "The chamber's open right now for people to address the council."
Lady Aesculapius looked across the courtyard and saw a small queue of people. "Ah! Right-o."
Blanche frowned as they all took a number and joined the back of the queue. "This feels like it should be more of a 'storm the place and cause a scene' sort of situation, doesn't it?"
"Well I need to take a moment and work off the cosmic cake," said Jason. "Thanks for your help, Jaxill."
"Oh I want to stay and see how this goes," said the gold man, hands in pockets. "I'm invested in the drama now."
Patiently they waited and shuffled a few steps forward every now and then as two guards ushered the next concerned citizen into the chamber. As they moved inside, Lady Aesc was in awe of the opulent hall with its high ceiling and walls covered in paintings. Eventually, it was their turn. Jaxill waited outside the chamber as the guards gestured for Lady Aesculapius, Blanche, and Jason to proceed.
The large circular room was filled with row upon row of officials, murmuring away as the three travellers took their position in front of the High Priest. He slammed his black staff against the floor like a gavel and smiled warmly. "Welcome! What is the nature of your business?"
Lady Aesculapius stepped forward and cleared her throat. "My name is Lady Aesculapius. We're here from another universe to tell you to stop destroying other universes."
An explosion of noise and exclamations from the council, then silence. The High Priest leaned forward, still smiling. "Another universe, you say? Do you have any proof?"
Lady Aesc held up her Factory of Crystal. The crystal ball started to glow and a portal opened. Loud protests echoed around the chamber as everyone watched the fabric of reality rip open. Then, through that tear came what looked to those in the back row like a small blue hairbrush. Then the hairbrush started to move, and it became clear that it was a hedgehog. The tiny blue creature sniffed around the room, occasionally making a small hop with all four legs accompanied by a disproportionately loud 16-bit spring sound.
"So anyway," said Lady Aesc, bringing the attention back to her. "Stop destroying universes. I was there when you destroyed 5862 - 68/7 - Pod - Beetroot/50. As long as I'm here, you'll never harm another."
The blue hedgehog made another Sega Genesis sound as it explored the circular parameters of Gold High Council Zone. A small confused fox, almost like the ones Jason remembered from Earth, flew through the still-open portal using its two tails as propellers.
"She has a crystal device, just like the other one," the woman next to the High Priest urgently whispered at a volume everyone could hear anyway.
The High Priest frowned. "Lock. Them. Up."


"That went well," said Blanche, leaning against the cell wall. "I feel really good about that."
"It was worth a try," said Lady Aesculapius. "Maybe I should've just gone straight to 'tearing this universe apart with my bare hands'. They have already destroyed at least one entire universe so looking back on it that sort of 0 to 100 behaviour would've been justified."
"Here's what I don't get though," said Jason. He waited until the guard had passed by and disappeared around the corner before saying what he didn't get. "Why are we in this cell?" He gestured widely to the admittedly luxurious prison cell with three soft beds, a sink, a mirror, and a selection of novels. "Why can't we just Factory of Crystal out of here?"
Lady Aesc smiled. "Because of her." She nodded at the cell opposite them to the gold woman with wild curly hair done up in a messy bun.
"And who's she?" asked Blanche.
"An enemy of the people, obviously," said Lady Aesc. "This planet is run by a council that takes questions from a public who clearly know about the whole 'destroying other universes' thing, based on Jaxill's reaction. So: very good PR team, who tell the people that there really are threats out there. The council must do something with the people who question them, and there she is." Lady Aesc stood up from her bed and called over to the woman in the cell opposite. "Hey! Psst!"
Professor Ko looked up at the stranger. "Yes?"
"Are you in here for trying to stop them destroying universes?"
She frowned. Then she sighed. "Yes."
Lady Aesc took out her Factory of Crystal, stepped through a portal in her cell and out of a portal in the other. "I'm Lady Aesc, those two over there are Blanche and Jason, and we're all from another reality. What's your name?"
"Professor Ko," she said, excitement spreading across her face. "I'm a scientist, you see. I built a machine, the Multiverse Window, that lets people view other realities, and the council decided those realities need to be wiped out. But I can help!"
"Excellent, do tell."
"So different universes are being created all the time, based on every decision we make, every fork in the road. They're infinite!" said Professor Ko quickly, aware that the guards could come back at any moment. "You can't just go to each universe and end them all one at a time, it'd take too long. What happened to 5862 - 68/7 - Pod - Beetroot/50 and universes like it was a test. Now they've got this weird new scientist helping them build a weapon that can end all realities at once."
"How?" asked Lady Aesc. "If they did that, what's to stop this universe being wiped out too?"
"A shield I designed," Ko explained. "It has the power to section off universes from the wider multiverse, protecting the Utopia Dimension from their own weapon. If we lower the shield, they won't be able to use the weapon without destroying themselves."
"Well, now we have a plan. Off we go!"
"Exciting! Oh, I almost forgot I'm still in jail."
"Oh, right, cart ahead of the llama," Aesc said and opened a portal so they could hop back into the cell with Jason and Blanche.
With everyone together, the Factory of Crystal expanded and collapsed in an instant, transporting Lady Aesc, Blanche, Jason, and Professor Ko onboard.
Ko silently took in the beautiful crystal room. "You have one of these ships too? Just like that other woman?"
"What other woman?" asked Blanche.
"The other woman, who's helping the council."
"A shield that powerful would need an origin point," said Lady Aesc interrupting. "Where would that be?"
"There's a planet on the edge of the system called Jasek Senn," said the professor. "Big red one, lovely rings, can't miss it. It's where the council keep everything they don't want the public interfering with."
Lady Aesc ran her fingers across the crystal controls. "Excellent. That's where we'll be going. But first..."
Jason wandered over. "First?"
"First," Lady Aesc repeated. "I need to find something..."


A portal snapped open and lightly scattered the red dust below it. Lady Aesculapius, Blanche, Jason, and Professor Ko stepped though. "You realise Jaxill is probably still waiting for us," said Jason.
"Oh, yeah," said Blanche. "I'm sure he's gone home by now."
Across the sand was a large facility with radar dishes on the roof. "Professor," said Lady Aesc, turning to Ko. "Could you get us in there?"
"We could always just portal into there, too," said Blanche.
"They'd find us and lock us up again," said Lady Aesc. "We can't examine the shield and make our demands while running. Passing ourselves off as staff will be easier."
Professor Ko hesitated. "Well, let's think. I was arrested in secret. We might be able to walk in the front door, but if anyone knows I'm supposed to be in prison, I'll be sent back there immediately."
The four approached the facility's entrance and were stopped by the first hurdle. "Damn," said Ko. "I don't have my passcard. The entrance to this facility has one of the most advanced security systems in the multiverse!"
"Excuse me."
They turned to see an older gold man awkwardly trying to push his way through them. They let him pass and he swiped himself in, then held the door open for Ko with a smile. Ko took it, said "thank you", and made a face that suppressed an internal scream to the others as she let them all inside.
This facility served many functions, but looking nice was not one of them. The drab corridors with exposed pipes running overhead gave the vibe that this place was not inviting by design. Like the anti-décor was designed to drive away members of the public by making them feel they were seeing the building in an indecent state.
Every time someone passed by them was a new adventure in nerves. They all hoped nobody would stop Professor Ko because she should be in prison, but of course all of them did stop her, because they hadn't seen her in weeks, because she should be in prison. By keeping a decent pace, they were able to follow the gold man who kindly waited to hold each top security door open for them.
Eventually they started seeing less and less people and the man turned off down a different path. Ko led the group down flights of stairs taking them deeper and deeper underground. At the end of a long corridor they came to a large metal door, which Ko needed all of her strength to push open.
Inside, down one more short flight of stairs, was a huge open space filled with machines.
"What is all this stuff?" asked Jason.
"Oh, this here? This is everything," said Ko. "Technology we've copied over from other dimensions. We've got machines here that can turn anything into food, we've got the multiverse's most powerful mass teleportation engine, everything."
In the middle of it all sat a blue pyramid that pulsed and crackled with energy. It looked so tall and heavy that it would take several strong people to move.
Lady Aesc approached the pyramid. "I assume this is the universal shield?"
"Yep, that's it there," said Ko. "So what exactly is your plan?"
"Simple," said Lady Aesc, marching over to a computer console. "Gonna call up your bosses and threaten to turn the shield off."
Ko blinked. "But wait a moment, hold on, how is that a threat? All you'll do is delay them firing the weapon. They'll just lock us up and turn it back on again."
Lady Aesc smiled. "Ah, but there's something you've forgotten. And I have a feeling they've forgotten about it too. We're dealing with alternate universes here."
The screen crackled and became a furious image of the High Priest. "What is the meaning of this?"
"Hey big man, us again! We're not going to stand for you destroying every other universe, so we're gonna switch off your big shield thing. If you use your weapon now you'll destroy yourself too."
"Fine! Do it!" said the High Priest. "We'll hold our fire and turn the shield back on after we've arrested you."
"Ah! See, that's what YOU just said," said Lady Aesc, gesturing to Professor Ko. "I can't believe you two would miss the obvious."
The High Priest paused. "What do you mean?"
"A universal shield keeps out more than just you. If we switch this baby off, this universe will re-join the larger multiverse and be vulnerable to ANY attack."
"But we are the only universe capable of such destruction!"
"Nope! No you aren't. Because every decision you make creates an alternative reality. Universes are splintered off into almosts and maybes and could've beens and should've beens every moment of every second. So if YOU have the technology to wipe out the multiverse, then other universes similar enough to this one have that technology too."
The High Priest was silent, finally getting it.
"I did a quick scan back on my Factory. Hypothetically, somewhere out there right now is a universe just like this one, with a weapon getting ready to fire and take down every universe except theirs. Well, I found it."
"And? Which universe?"
Lady Aesculapius smiled. "I'm not telling. If I gave you the designation you'd send them one of your universe enders."
The High Priest was getting impatient. "How can you be sure the Utopia Dimension won't be spared?"
"Were YOU planning on sparing any universes? As far as they're concerned, this universe is a threat. Because it is."
The High Priest clenched his jaw. "All you have done is confirmed our suspicions. Other universes ARE dangerous. They DO need to be ended! Thank you, Lady Aesculapius. We will accelerate our plans and end the multiverse immediately. Our guards will be with you shortly."
The screen switched off.
"Good job, nice one," said Professor Ko, pacing.
"Thank you. Now for the fun bit." Lady Aesculapius held up her Factory of Crystal and brought herself, Jason, Blanche, Professor Ko, and the glowing pyramid onboard.


Professor Ko landed alongside the others in the control tower, where Lady Aesc was already plugging the shield generator into one of the crystal terminals.
"With this shield," she said, "boosted with the power from the Factory, we can isolate the Utopia Dimension and this other evil universe I found. For clarity let's call the other one..." she paused "...the Schmutopia Dimension. Once I do this, if either of them trigger their weapons, only the Utopia and Schmutopia Dimensions will end. Every other reality will be just fine."
"But what about the people?" asked Jason. "That's still two universes full of innocent beings."
"Innocent beings who want to kill each other," said Blanche.
"Their councils want to kill each other," said Jason. "But not the Jaxills. Not the ordinary people on the street. It's like what happened with universe...uh... 5862...67...?"
"5862 - 68/7 - Pod - Beetroot/50," Lady Aesc, Blanche, and Ko all reeled off in unison.
"Yeah, that one," said Jason. "We can't allow innocent people to die."
"No we can't," said Lady Aesc. "There." She stepped back from the terminal, admiring her handiwork. "The two dangerous universes are cut off from the others." The glowing pyramid pulsed slowly, holding stable as energy from the Factory flowed into it. "Final step of the plan: swoop in and destroy both weapons. Simple." With a press of a button she opened a portal.


Lady Aesculapius' head popped around the corner, followed by Jason's, followed by Blanche's, followed by Ko's. The council was in session, responding to the threat the four of them were posing to their scheme right now. Everyone being drawn into the main chamber meant they could sneak through the corridors in peace to look for the weapon.
"Lady Aesculapius."
They jumped and turned towards the two cloaked figures behind them, who definitely weren't there a moment ago. Lady Aesc instinctively moved in front of the others. "How can I help?"
"This is no place for you." With an unnecessary flourish, they removed their hoods to reveal a woman with a head of curly ginger hair and young girl.
Lady Aesculapius rolled her eyes. "Professor Meistras and Ofelia. You shouldn't be here either."
"Those two...they're the ones from your funeral?" asked Jason.
Professor Ko looked around. "What do you mean 'her funeral'?"
"Nice teleport," said Lady Aesc. "Quicker than a Factory of Crystal."
"More accurate too," Professor Meistras smiled. "It's amazing what technology a perfect universe can create when they're not occupied fighting one another in wars."
"Why are you helping them?"
"Stumbled into this universe a while ago," said the Professor. "They offered me anything in return for my help."
"'Help' like trying to kill Lady Aesc with a mysterious parcel for snooping," said Jason.
"Ooh, we all love a good call-back, don't we ladies?" Ofelia deadpanned.
"Do you know where the council are right now?" asked Lady Aesc. "To be clear, I do know, I'm just testing you."
Professor Meistras smirked. "Go on then."
"They're in session, organising the immediate firing of their weapon. I reminded them of the possibility that a near mirror parallel universe could be about to fire theirs, and the High Priest panicked. Didn't any of your new friends tell you?"
"I'm sure they will," Meistras monotoned.
"Really? Or is it possible that, like you, they're only in this for their own personal gain?"
"Why would they turn against me?"
"You know why. Because you're a threat from another universe. You're the sort of thing this multiverse-ending scheme was designed to prevent."
Professor Meistras pressed a button on a wrist-mounted communicator, waited, and got no response.
"We're going to sabotage both universes' weapons," said Lady Aesc. "Wanna come watch?"
Meistras considered this offer. "Ofelia, where did they move the weapon?"
Ofelia pulled a small silver device with a screen out of her pocket and pushed some buttons. "Massive energy signature below us. It's in the basement."
"Of course," said Blanche. "Do these people keep any super-secret technology on ground level?"
Lady Aesc lifted her Foce and opened a portal. "That leads to the Schmutopia Dimension. Jason and Blanche, you two go through there and destroy their weapon too."
"Ofelia, go with them to make sure they find it," said Professor Meistras.
Ofelia sighed. "I can't believe we're helping them."
"We can blow up the multiverse later if we want to, okay?" said Meistras, reassuringly.
Ofelia sulked. "Fine. I guess. Let's go, morons."
The girl walked into the portal and Jason and Blanche rushed after her.


At first it was like they hadn't gone anywhere. Ofelia, Jason, and Blanche were standing in an otherwise empty corridor in the middle of the High Council building, with a high curved ceiling and artwork covering the walls.
Slowly, they noticed things that weren't there before, like how the gold detailing on the roof was now silver, and the portraits now showed a completely different roster of historical figures, presumably from a completely different history.
"So the Schmutopia Dimension is the same as the Utopia Dimension but...different," said Jason.
"You could say the same about literally any two places," said Ofelia, rolling her eyes.
"Go on then, where's the weapon here?"
Blanche stared at her device for a few seconds. "Above us...in orbit."
Blanche and Jason looked at each other. Jason smiled. "I seem to remember some ships docked outside."
"You might not get up there in time," said Ofelia. "Someone needs to delay it firing."
"I'll go," said Blanche. "High Council chamber's this way, right? Assuming this universe is similar enough to the other one."
Ofelia handed the scanner to Jason, then turned to Blanche. "I guess I'm coming with you then."
Blanche and Ofelia ran off towards the council chamber as Jason headed outside.
He ran across the courtyard towards the landing pad, which despite a few small differences, was exactly like the one in the Utopia Dimension. On the landing pad was a small one-person ship; the kind Jason had trained with for years. With one fluid motion he jumped into the cockpit, strapped himself in, and ignited the engines.
He felt the rush of adrenaline as the small craft lifted up and blasted off into the sky. The cries of three angry guards were quickly left behind.
Meanwhile, Blanche and Ofelia crashed through the doors of the council chamber. This High Council looked exactly like the one in the Utopia Dimension, except the small blue hedgehog and two-tailed fox had been replaced by a small black and red hedgehog and a pink bat.
"What is the meaning of this intrusion?!" The High Priest stood up and banged her white metal staff on the floor. "Who are you?"
Blanche opened her mouth. She paused. "We're two concerned citizens who want you to consider sparing the multiverse."
"And why the hell should we listen to you?" asked the High Priest.
Ofelia snorted. "Because we'll melt you if you don't?"
"Ofelia." Blanche shot her a look that told her to stand down. She knew going in all-guns-blazing would just make them fire the weapon instantly. This situation needed diplomacy. "I'm sorry about her. You don't need to listen to us, but we believe other universes deserve to exist, because they contain as much good and as much evil as ours. After all, everything good about this universe was copied in from others using the Multiverse Window. Killing them all just doesn't seem fair."
There was a murmur from the council.
The High Priest fumed at Blanche's words. "You have no idea what you're talking about. Our world is perfect, superior to all others. These other universes can be nothing but a threat to our magnificent perfection!"
The council erupted in cheers.
"With respect, I don't believe that," said Blanche. "I believe there's still a lot we can learn from others. And I believe that good can come from anywhere."


Far above the chamber, on the edge of space, Jason looked ahead at the field of stars in front of him. If he focused on just one of them, he could feel his speed as the others appeared to blur around it. Far in the distance, he could make out a glowing green orb: the Schmutopia Dimension's doomsday weapon.
A red laser tore past his ear.
Jason looked down at the ship's monitor and saw three enemy fighters coming in behind him. He smirked, and barrel-rolled to avoid their blasts. The ship behind stopped firing immediately to avoid hitting the weapon.
He kept turning, always just outside of his pursuer's crosshairs, before spinning out the other way to dodge the other two coming around.
For a moment, the way ahead was clear. Jason aimed at the orb and squeezed the triggers.
Two bolts of plasma ripped across space. He pulled up sharply, turning back towards the planet as he watched the weapon in the rear monitor.
BOOM.


On the ground, the High Priest smiled. "Your concern is touching. Truly. But you do not know what's out there."
"Do you?" asked Blanche.
"Yes. Using the Multiverse Window we've seen the dangers that lie in other universes. We're seen the damage they could do to us. The wastelands of Hazuukai Runn. The world-ending ships of King Tritarus' Fleet. The Infinite Armada of the Great Assimilation. The galaxy eaters of-"
A portal opened, and Lady Aesc stuck her head through. "THIS FUCKING THING'S INDESTRUCTIBLE AND IT'S ALREADY SET TO BLOW, GET BACK HERE."
The doors opened, and Jason Jackson stuck his head through. "I blew up the weapon!"
The High Priest raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Good job," said Ofelia. She grabbed the others and dragged them through the portal, exiting the Schmutopia Dimension.


Back in the Utopia Dimension, Lady Aesc, Blanche, Jason, Ofelia, Meistras, and Ko stood in a large white room with a green machine, similar to the one Jason just blew up.
Lady Aesculapius tapped away at a screen on the side. "It's already been armed. I can't switch it off or destroy it."
"I was able to destroy the one in the Schmutopia Dimension," said Jason. "Just shoot it!"
"Tried that," said Professor Meistras, holding a smoking blaster. "Slightly different universe, slightly different rules."
Lady Aesc was pacing frantically. "This thing's going to wipe out both universes and everyone in them."
"Don't you mean 'wipe out every universe ever'?" said Professor Meistras.
"I stole the universal shield and used it to separate the two evil dimensions from the others."
"Oh. Right. Well in that case."
Everyone blinked and she and Ofelia were gone.
Jason blinked some more to make sure he saw that right. "What just happened?"
"That would be a teleport," said Professor Ko. "Remember, they have access to the multiverse's most powerful mass teleportation engine, the one I showed you earlier."
"I'm sure we'll see those two again," said Lady Aesc. "But first, our problem."
Jason was starting to panic. "There's got to be a way to get everyone out of these two universes safely. Right? Like with Reality Pod Beetroot 27 or whatever?"
Lady Aesculapius thought about it. "A way to evacuate two entire universes, all at once, in an instant." She turned to Professor Ko. "In the blink of an eye."
"Wait, what's this?" Jason looked between the two women, who were giving each other knowing smiles.
"Let's get back to the Factory," said Lady Aesc, pulling out her crystal ball. "We need to find two more universes."
"What's happening?" asked Blanche.
Lady Aesc finally addressed her companions. "Have you two ever heard of The Berenstain Bears?"


Jaxill sat alone in the corner of the café, sipping his mug of tea. He couldn't stop thinking about those three strangers he'd left at the council building. What if they'd been killed for trying to stop the universe-ending weapon? What if they'd tried to sabotage the universe-ending weapon and something went wrong? What if the universe could end at any second?!
A flash. Everyone shielded their eyes.
Then it was gone. Jaxill looked around. He made awkward eye contact with the barista, who pulled a face like 'that sure was weird, huh?'
Everyone soon went back to eating. Jaxill decided it must have been a trick of the light and went in for another sip of his milkshake.


"So everyone REMEMBERS The Berenstain Bears from their childhood as being spelled with an 'e' when in fact it was always Berenstain with an 'a'," Lady Aesc explained as she paced around her Factory of Crystal. "This led to a whole bunch of theories that maybe everyone on Earth suddenly jumped into another universe one day, and the 'e' they remember from The Berenstain Bears is the only clue left."
"Terrific," said Blanche. "Why is this relevant?"
"Because using this here, the Utopia Dimension's perfect teleportation engine," said Professor Ko, gesturing to the machine, "we just teleported everyone from the two evil universes to two almost-identical unpopulated ones! We saved them all, they're fine!"
"The two evil universes, the Utopia and Schmutopia Dimensions, have been destroyed, the devastation safely contained within the universal shield," said Lady Aesc. "And the two evil councils, plotting to end all of reality, are gone along with them. The day has been saved!"
"But why would there be two empty people-less universes sitting around waiting to be filled?" asked Blanche.
"With different universes, anything is possible," said Lady Aesc. "Every imaginable alternative has happened or is happening or will happen. It therefore stands to reason that there are some universes where people just...disappear. Maybe it was a plague or a weapon or a big purple alien who snapped their fingers. Regardless, now those two empty universes have people. No more evil councils, no more evil universe-killing weapons."
"But hold on," said Professor Ko. "If anything is possible, and there are infinite universes, how do we KNOW there won't be another evil council with another evil universe-killing weapon?"
"Oh, I'm sure there will be," said Lady Aesculapius, smiling. "But there will also always be people like us to stop them."


Professor Ko said her goodbyes and stepped through the portal to her new home dimension. The portal closed and she noticed that, yes, this new dimension was basically the same as her old one. The buildings were all here, the birds were flying overhead, the weather wasn't amazing but she wasn't being rained on. A normal day.
On the way to her new house, which was entirely identical to her old house, she smiled and nodded to Gahra, out for his usual evening run. The same kids were playing and laughing in the same streets.
She'd almost stopped trying to find changes, reassured that whatever changes existed were minor. Then she noticed a crowd gathering at the end of the street. The skyline had changed. At the top of the hill was a big flat empty space with no High Council building. Instead, there was just a blue hedgehog and a fox with two tails.
With the building gone, the animals could now see a large cyan emerald sitting where the High Council's treasure room would've been. The hedgehog and the fox touched the emerald and vanished along with it to the sound of a 16-bit Stage Clear theme.


Three moonloungers lay under the stars on the pink sand of Pastellion Major. Beside them was a bag of cupcakes from Virginia's Cosmic Bakes. Lady Aesculapius, Jason Jackson, and Blanche Combine looked up at the alien constellations.
"What's that one?" asked Blanche.
Lady Aesc followed her finger upwards. "That's called The Spoon. See how those two bright ones make a line and there's a circle of stars at the end?"
"Oh yeah," Blanche smiled. "I see it."
"Hey, what's that one?" Jason pointed.
"Oh, that's The Last Battle of Zazaarek-Neth, 7829. See how those 220 stars make the Palace of Xantrox Rurr and those 541 stars over there are all soldiers in the army of H'g'en Balo-o?"
Jason stared blankly up at the dots. "Oh yeah, I get that."
"Good job blowing up the weapon by the way," said Blanche, turning her head to Jason. "You're a great pilot."
Jason smiled. "Thank you. That weapon would've gone off in my face if you hadn't kept them talking. We make a good team."
"Agreed." Blanche turned back to the stars. "You're fun to hang out with."
"I'm glad you're around."
Lady Aesculapius was lying with her eyes closed and a peaceful smile across her face.
"So, where to next then?" asked Blanche.
"No idea," said Lady Aesc.
Jason idly skimmed the soft sand with his fingers. Then he felt something hard. "Whoa!" he sat up straight to show the others. "I found a bunch of gold rings! From the sand, just now."
"Yes..." Lady Aesc narrowed her eyes. "Five of them."
"Can you hear that?" said Blanche, listening to the birds. "They sound like two turtle doves. And...and..."
Lady Aesc slowly turned to face her. "Say it."
"...Three French hens."
Lady Aesculapius stood up from her moonlounger and felt the wind gather around her, like she was in tune with the current of the multiverse.
"Why the fuck are there twelve drummers drumming over there?" said Jason, gesturing down the beach.
Lady Aesc breathed in deeply. "Hold on to something. I think things are about to get...festive."

For Lady Aesculapius' birthday, Jason Jackson and Blanche Combine put together cupcakes with some of Aesc's favorite flavors combined together: blueberry and chocolate! That started off their wild adventure in "The Great Cosmic Bake-Off".

We thought it would be fun if you could make it at home, so we brought in the amazing Molly of "What's Molly Makin'?" to bring their recipe to life!

Oh, and if you didn't read the story, it's a hoot and you can read it by clicking right HERE. 

Jason and Blanche's Cosmic Cupcakes by What's Molly Makin'

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups flour (or substitute with cup for cup gluten free flour blend.)
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
5 tablespoons sunflower oil
1 cup water
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Either grease your muffin tin or line it with greased cupcake liners. In a large bowl mix flour, cocoa, sugar, baking soda and salt, mix well. Next, make a well in the dry ingredients. Pour vinegar, vanilla, and vegetable oil in the well. Pour water over all. Mix until smooth. Fold in the chocolate chips before filling each cupcake liner 3/4 full with batter. Place on middle rack of oven and bake for 15 to 20 minutes. Or until a toothpick in the center comes out clean. When ready, remove from oven, allow to cool for a minute or two then remove from tin and place on cooling rack. When cooled, top with blueberry frosting (recipe below.)

-Blueberry Frosting-

Ingredients:

1 pound of frozen wild blueberries
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 cup water
1 1/4 cup butter (or vegan butter substitute) 
1/2 cup powdered sugar

Directions:
Combine blueberries, sugar, lemon juice, and water in a sauce pan. Put on medium heat and simmer until it becomes a syrup. Remove from heat and strain until all the syrup is extracted. Combine butter (or vegan butter substitute) and powdered sugar in a mixer and beat until fluffy. Add blueberry syrup to taste and color preference. Once done pipe frosting onto cupcakes and serve.



​Enjoy

​Jason looked down at the box of kitchenware Blanche was holding, “Alright. I’m really going to need you to give me a little more about what’s going on.”
Blanche shook the box, “It’s a peace offering. Baking. We’ll bake. Baking things.”
“I’m...not following.”
“Aesc’s birthday is tomorrow. I was thinking we could make her cupcakes together. You know. Bonding experience. Be pals.”
Jason narrowed his eyes, “Is this...like a weird ploy for something or?”
“Jason, I am literally just asking you to bake cupcakes with me so maybe we can stop being so weirdly suspicious of each other.”
He scratched his temple, “Okay that’s fair.”
“I really appreciate that you supported me coming on board but like...”
“No, yeah. You’re absolute right. I accept your peace offering,” he took the box from her, and held it awkwardly, “we’re just going to carry this back to the kitchen aren’t we?”
“...Yeah.”
He handed her the box back.


The kitchen on Lady Aesculapius’ Factory of Crystal was stocked with everything you could imagine you’d need to cook or bake anything: blenders, ovens, food printers, stasis pods of produce, knives, utensils...everything that is except, apparently quality whisks. Blanche was quickly discovering this as she sorted through the drawers and cabinets.
“These all look like Aesc got them at a 1-credit store, they’re junk...you having any luck?”
Jason shook his head, “Any idea what kind of cake Aesc likes?”
Blanche tapped on her cheek, “Hmn...well I know she likes chocolate.”
“That’s a good start.”
“She likes...blueberries?”
“Okay, then how about chocolate cupcakes with blueberry frosting?”
“Will that taste...good?” Blanche inquired.
Jason shrugged.
“Well, I guess we can try it.”
After running a few hundred meters to find where the blueberries were stored, Blanche brought them back, setting them down on the counter next to the flour, chocolate, sugar, and all the rest of the ingredients.
“Alright, so, I found a chocolate cupcake recipe and a blueberry one but not both...” Jason said.
It was Blanche’s turn to shrug, “Well, if we get it wrong, I suppose it’s not a big deal.”
He smiled at her, “That’s the spirit, let’s have some fun with this.”
She began looking over the two recipes, “Baking is all about precision, I do find it comforting.”
“How so?”
“In baking, there is a right answer to get a desired effect. If you do not get the effect, then it’s likely you simply hadn’t considered some variable that effects the result. Baking makes sense, even when most things don’t.”
Jason began to measure out some of the ingredients, “Had no idea you were a cake philosopher. I’ll take the frosting, you do the cake?”
She nodded, “Sounds good. And baking was something I could do back in Russia and not get scolded for it, so I suppose it’s that too...”
“Blanche, I’ve always wondered, what’s your name in Russian?”
She paused and squinted at him, “What do you mean what’s my name in Russian?”
“I mean, Blanche Combine, that’s English.”
“My name in Russian is Blanche Combine.”
He blinked repeatedly in surprise, “Really?”
“Blanche is a name there. Maybe not a common one, but it is one. And the Russian word for the English word combine is...” she stared into his eyes pointedly, “Combine.”
“Oh. Well see, I just got educated!”
She chuckled, which Jason counted as a win.
He sorted through the pile of ingredients, “I’ll start getting this frosting together then...aha, powdered sugar!”
“The recipe says I should whisk the batter together. Alright...”
Blanche looked skeptically at the cheap looking whisk she’d found in the drawers, but got to work anyway. She tried to whisk the batter together, but it just wasn’t getting the right consistency, “Screw this, I’ll be right back.”
Jason held his powdered sugar covered hands up, “Where do you think you’ll find a better whisk? It’s just a whisk. It does one thing. Which is whisking.”
“In the Sanctum. Aesc keeps her Quantum Whisk there, right? It has to be better. It’s Quantum.”
“What does...do you even know what that means?”
Blanch pushed her lips out, “Well, no. But look, it’s never done anything while we’ve traveled with Aesc. She just keeps acting like it will. Honestly I think it’s just a really nice kitchen utensil.”
Jason had that odd feeling in his stomach that marked the other kids in school swearing they wouldn’t get in trouble for something that was absolutely against the rules, but Blanche was right: the whisks Aesc had in the kitchen sucked. “Alright, yeah.”
They walked past the pedestals of artifacts Aesc had: an ancient Greek Helmet, a strange crystal sword, a Power Rangers Action figure, a set of manikins with her previous iconic outfits, and...there it was. The Quantum Whisk.
Jason Frowned, “I thought it was Purple.”
The golden whisk glittered preternaturally.
“Oh, yeah, I think Aesc paints it sometimes. That’s probably why she hadn’t been using it to cook,” Blanche answered, circling it’s pedestal to look for security devices.
Jason was going to ask why she would paint it, but decided the answer would leave him with more questions. Blanche took a breath, reached her hand out to the whisk and…picked it up from the pedestal with no effort.
“Huh. I really thought there’d be security. Anyway, let’s bake!”
Mixing the batter, and the frosting, was suddenly a breeze with the new tool, it was at the very least a very well made whisk.
Jason set out the cupcake tins, and Blanche poured the batter in. They placed it in the oven, and Jason finished work on the frosting, which he used the whisk on after Blanche cleaned it (which took very little effort, as the batter seemed to just come right off when she wanted it to). With the frosting prepared, they played Mario Kart together until the timer went off for the oven (Jason won, easily). Pulling the cupcakes out, they let them cool, and went back to play more Mario Kart (predictably, Jason won again. He actually tried to let Blanche win once, but she kept driving off the track and if he’d lost it would have been too obvious he’d let her win so he just went ahead and beat her. Blanche proceeded to complain that she’d beat him just as easily at Halo as he beat her at Mario Kart, after which they played, and she utterly annihilated him at Halo).
Finally, the cupcakes were cool, and the pair frosted them.
Jason nudged Blanche in the side, “Well, time to see if they’re good enough to serve to Aesc.”
She smiled, and Jason felt even better about this whole bonding time thing, “I do love the taste test.”
Each picking up a cupcake, they clinked them together, undid the paper wrapper, and bit in as Jason hoped they would be friends after all.
The flavor combination worked, and it worked better than Blanche or Jason expected. They felt like the flavor transported them, carried them off on it’s subtle flavors running under the bold ones.
They opened their eyes to find themselves on a grassy plain.
“Uhhhhhh,” Jason said.
“Hmn,” Blanche answered.
In the distance they could see two children, one with white hair, and one with dark curly hair. A lot like their own.
“Oh sh-”

“Hold onto your cupcakes!” Blanche yelled, as she and Jason ran towards the children, who were kicking a ball back and forth.
“Who are you?” said the girl darkly.
“I’m Blanche,” said Blanche.
“But I’m Blanche,” replied little Blanche.
“And I’m Jason!” replied little Jason.
“Oh, no,” said larger Jason.
“What do you mean ‘Oh, no.” this is where we met, all those years ago.”
“Blanche we can’t have met at the same age when we were kids!”
Blanche frowned, “Why not?”
Jason leaned in, “You’re from the future. I was born in 2441.”
“Oh,” said Blanche, who was born in 2458. “Wait, you’re right this never happened.”
“But I’m absolutely remembering it now.”
“Are you guys talking about science fiction?” little Jason asked, and big Blanche squatted down.
“We sure are! You like sci-fi, Jason?”
“I’m gunna be an X-Wing pilot when I grow up!” he replied
“I like things based in reality,” said small Blanche.
“How did you two meet?” large Blanche asked.
“Through the magic woods!” Jason answered, pointing at the normal looking forest.
“I reject the hypothesis, but I’m still studying it,” said small Blanche.
Large Jason pulled large Blanche backwards, “Great meeting you kids have fun playing!”
They looked at each other with wide eyes, “Jason, what happened with the cupcakes?”
“They uh...transported us through time and space.”
“I’m from an alternate reality from you.”
“...Right so that too.”
“And I remember being your friend! We weren’t even friends this morning!”
He frowned, “It’s hard to hold onto...remembering that.”


Jason and Blanche were on the floor of his Newcastle home, playing with a toy spaceships.
“Blanche, Jason! I made iced buns!” his mother yelled and the pair scampered up.


They were bundled up, running through Khimki forest Blanche laughing as they finally reached the tree, tagging it, “Winner!” she panted, as Jason finished on her heels.
“Yeah yeah, I can still out-fly you...”


The pair of friends, older now, on the couch playing Mario Kart, Jason blazing across the finish line far ahead. Jason grins.
“Yeah yeah, let’s go again, smug Brit...”


Jason in a nice suit, Blanche in a red dress on his arm, her white hair laced with flowers as they walk into the school dance.
“Thanks for coming with me, I wasn’t sure if...”
“I’d go?”
“It would work, you getting so far from the woods with the whole...future Russia thing. But I’m glad you came. I still haven’t figured out how to tell my parents...you know, that I’m asexual.”
She squeezed his arm, “It’s alright, I’d make a pretty good spy probably. I’m undercover. No one will know till you want them to.”
He smiled, “Thanks, Blanche, let’s meet my friends. Sometime you’ll have to introduce me to yours.”
She looked away, “Yeah...”


“So uh, you’re going to flight school then?”
“What I’ve always wanted. And you’re off to...”
“An underwater city for an internship creating sustainable underwater living.”
He laughed, “Yeah, that sounds like you.”
She started laughing too, and then they both abruptly stopped.
“No forest in the ocean,” he noted.
“No forest in space.”
“Guess it’s...goodbye then.”
Blanche nodded, and as Jason went in for a hug, she bolted. Running too fast for him to catch her.
He thought he’d never seen her again, that was till Lady Aesc’s funeral...


“AHHHHHHHH!!!!” Blanche and Jason said as they remembered all of that very quickly.
“WHAT THE HELL?” Blanche said.
“That happened? That all happened? That’s so much of who I am?”
“Same I...but what did it? Jason...what were you thinking about when you made the cupcakes?”
He frowned, “I don’t know, just that I wanted us to be frieeeenndndss….ooohhhhhh.”
Blanche pursed her lips, and held out her cupcake, “Then let’s think about going back to Lady Aesc’s Foce, yeah?”
“Worth a shot...”
They held their cupcakes up, and took a bite. As the chocolate and blueberries swirled over their tongues, they found themselves back in the kitchen. The whisk glinted on the counter like a wink.
“We need to find my girlfriend,” Blanche said. “Now.”
The pair bolted, running through the control tower till they found Aesc who was reading a book titled, “John Boss” and laughing heartily.
“Sweetie, uh?” Blanche said, “We screwed something up.”
Aesc lowered the book, “You messed up the secret cupcakes you were baking me for my birthday? No worry! You have plenty of time!”
“No! Jason and I are friends!”
“I’m so happy to hear that! Woo hoo! We can hold a second party for that!”
“No, I mean, we’ve always been friends.”
Aesc frowned, “Well that certainly was an odd act the two of you put up. Or...was it a prank? If it was then I guess good job you really convinced me you hated each other!”
“Aesc,” Jason coughed, “what Blanche is trying to say is that...”
“I-”
“-We took the Quantum Whisk out of the Sanctum and uh, used that to bake the cupcakes. And we ate the cupcakes while I was thinking about how I wanted Blanche and I to be friends. And now we’ve always been friends. And we were childhood friends even though she’s from Russia seventeen years in the future and...I have...memories I never had before.”
Aesc dropped the book on the floor, “Oh. That kind of thing. Well uh. Look, I’ll be real with you fam,” she stood up, and put a hand on each of their shoulders, “I actually have no idea what I’m supposed to do here.”
Blanche covered her face, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to screw up! I’m sorry! Please don’t make me leave...”
Aesc gave Jason an “AHH” look, as she pulled Blanche into a hug, “No no no, sweetheart, you’re here, you’re safe. I’m not kicking you out you just made a mistake. A massive cosmic existence shaking mistake that probably has probably damaged the very fabric of reality, but a mistake! And who hasn’t done that!”
Blanche sobbed into her shoulder. Jason waved his hand in front of his neck, And Aesc gave a subtle nod.
“So you’re alright. You’re safe, not leaving. Alright?” Blanche nodded in between sobs. Then Aesc’s eyes went wide, and after Blanche had finished sobbing she pulled back, “Wait, WAIIIIIT. Hold up. I know what this is like!”
Blanche made a messy noise that probably meant, “Oh?”
"It's like Marcel Proust, that book where he eats the cake and is transported through time to different points in his life!"
Jason and Blanche exchanged a glance, "Wasn't that just like...him remembering things?"
Aesc tilted her head to the side, "Isn't...time travel more likely?"
"...Than remembering things?" Blanche said with a blank face.
Lady Aesc, suddenly aware that perhaps she was saying stuff that made her unrelatable squinted, and slowly got out, "...I mean. Who would think that? Not me certainly. Love remembering things. Way easier biologically than time travel for some bizarre reason."
Blanche and Jason mumbled.
“Right! But my point is that this is what we’ve been looking for! The whisk is probably an artifact! Unless it was something else that did that, like the flour. Super-Flour! No that sounds wrong.”
“I see why you painted the whisk now,” Blanche said. “To make sure we didn’t use it.”
There was a long silence, “Heyo, what do you mean I painted it?”
Blanche looked confused through her red face, “Well it was always purple, but now it’s golden.”
Aesc stared, mouth a little open, and finally said, “...Huh. But the point is, that if these cupcakes you made with the color-changing whisk were able to rip through the fabric of space, time, and reality, then they could be the key we’ve been looking for!”
“The key to what?” Jason asked and Aesc looked delighted he’d set up her reply.
“To find the Utopia Dimension! We can’t travel there normally, but those cupcakes already rewrote your childhoods, which, again, everyone has done that, so maybe they can get us through to there.”
Blanche was wiping her tears off on her sleeve, “That’s actually not a bad plan...I’ll...get suited up. No time to waste, I’d say.”


* * *


The three of them stood in front of the very nicely made cupcakes, a gentle breeze blowing Aesc’s coat and Blanche and Jason’s hair, “Phil turn off the AC please,” Aesc asked.
“Sorry,” the ship replied.
“Wow, you know these really are nice cupcakes! If they’d been a surprise, what a delight they would have been! Anyways, let’s try this out.” She walked to the counter, pocketed the whisk, and the three each picked up a cupcake.
“Think of getting to the Utopia Dimension,” Jason said, and all three nodded in unison, and put the cupcakes to their lips.


As they bit into the cupcakes, they found time, space, reality, and the paths between them dashing along their tongues, down their throats, and into their stomachs. Along with chocolate cake and blueberry frosting. They focused hard on what they wanted, on the Utopia Dimension, and it seemed...like they could almost see it. A sense of gold. Like they were reaching out to it—and then they bounced off some sort of barrier and landed on their butts back in the Foce kitchen.
Jason and Aesc rubbed their behinds, though Blanche didn’t as she was wearing full combat armor, and they got up.
“Well, good try then,” Aesc said, “Sorry you got your armor on.”
“No, wait,” Jason said, “We can’t get in, but what if...we think about a place that can get us in there?” Aesc grinned, Blanche nodded seriously.
“Okay, try number two then.”
They drank some milk, and then picked up a second cupcake, and bit in. The flavors seemed more intense, the flow of the frosting smoother, the cake moist, the speed with which they moved across reality intangible. And then they stopped.


The three found themselves on an idyllic plain, the grass gently shifting in a pleasant breeze. There was a big white tent set up, from which that breeze carried delightful smells of baking. Aesc took off at a quick jog for it, grinning back at her friends, who followed right on her heels.
Inside the tent were a group of folks standing around chatting, and what looked like some kind of recording crew.
"Hello!" Lady Aesc yelled, waving, "We're looking for a way to get to the Utopia Dimension, ever heard of it?"
All eyes turned to the group, and a kindly old lady with the hands of someone who'd worked their whole life, and eyes that were dark blue orbs filled with rolling flashes of light and streaks of color zooming across them gave a polite smile and replied, "Are you looking to enter the Great Cosmic Bake Off then? It would appear you're in luck, we've had some unfortunate drops from our contestants and judges, and it looks like you're perfectly suited to fill in."
Aesc's face lit up, "A baking contest? My friends Jason and Blanche are amazing bakers, just figured out how to travel through reality using cupcakes which are banger, let me tell you."
"Excellent! And they both appear to have the pitiful lifespans of mortals, which qualifies them. You will join our judging panel, Lady Aesculapius, since you're immortal."
"Oh that's fun, so I get to eat all the things they bake?"
The woman with the cosmic eyes nodded.
"I'm absolutely in. Though what happened to the other judge."
"They left to join the rip off of our show, the Amazing Interstellar Baking Contest, on that private channel.."
"That's low. I'm extra in, then."
The woman nodded, “I’m Cosma Cozy, owner of the Buttered Biscuit Bakery in The View, where our broadcaster is also located.
“Oh, love The View. Held a birthday party there once!”
“This is Treyek the Thrice Damned,” Cosma said, “it’s truly an honor to have a being as experienced as Treyek on our show.”
Aesc held out a hand, and the towering figure in black robes, with a muzzle like a horse’s skull still holding its last strands of muscle sticking out from the fathomless black hood, extended a hand from the folds of its robes. It was shifting, jerking, and almost painful to look at till it solidified into a shape everyone’s brains could mostly recognise, and then it gingerly shook Aesc’s hand, and gave a series of popping squeaks under laced with the sounds of grinding metal.
“Oh thank you!” Lady Aesc said, blushing.
“What’d they say?” Jason asked.
“Oh, Treyek the Thrice Damned is a real sweetheart. Lots of folks would be made cruel being thrice damned, but honestly it’s just made them nicer, especially since they can see everyone’s pasts now as they fought their way out of hell at the end of the universe. They thought that you making your way into flight school, and working your way towards your dream even when no one believed in you is really impressive Jason, not everyone can do that. They think you’re really amazing.”
Jason shed a tear, “Oh. Thank you.”
“And Blanche, not everyone could make it through one lowest point in their life, but you made it through two and found friends and hope again. They’re so proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.”
Blanche sputtered an, “Oh,” eyes watering.
“And I won’t tell you what they said to me, Treyek you old Flirt.”
Treyek and Aesc exchanged finger guns.
Cosma smiled, “Well then, I’m glad we seem to have broken the ice. Now, if you two will get over to the baking stations over there, the crew will brief you and get you ready.”
As Blanche and Jason walked away, Aesc pulled out her whisk, which was rainbow colored now, “And I’m ready to judge!”
“Hold up, that’s...that the Quantum Whisk isn’t it?”
Aesc nodded and smiled, shaking it back and forth joyfully.
“Isn’t that...an artifact? Why do you even have it out in public?”
Aesc shrugged, “This is why I always have to buy two action figures: I always have to take one out of the box to play with!”
Cosma’s jaw trembled, “Righto. Well...consider putting it somewhere safe later.”
“Oh yeah, totally!” Aesc said, tossing it in the air, spinning around, and then catching it behind her back.

A crew member calls out, “We’re ready to start! Everyone at your places!”

We are now observing. The show begins, reality in real time on a ten minute delay. Here we go.


* * *


Treyek makes a series of noises that remind everyone of waking up, and hearing something strange and unknown lurking in the night, and the presenter of the show, Gwen, enters the tent.
“Thank you so much for that warm welcome Treyek. Welcome everyone to the Great Cosmic Bake Off! Today our four contestants will be competing on a special episode to determine who is the greatest Amateur baker in the Multiverse, at least till next season. Our three immortal judges are ready, so let’s meet our contestants.”


Virginia Stems-6 from the Great Assimilation:


She turns to face the camera, wearing a black button up shirt with pauldrons and black slacks, with all the buttons and filigree made of gold. She leans back against the counter and flashes a smile, emphasizing the blush in her pale cheeks and her freckles. With a long pony tail of brown hair high on her head and her green eyes that are a little too green, she's really emphasizing the colony-girl-next-door look. Her apron is a matte-gold, and has cute drawings of cupcakes with smiling faces on it.


"I first got into baking after the glorious Triad of Emperors decimated the population of my moon, and I was put on kitchen duty while they were rebuilding our moon and assimilating us into their culture!"


We see b-roll of Virginia walking through the streets of a rebuilt metropolis with towering shining skyscrapers covered in hanging gardens, a practical paradise. The camera follows her through a glass door into an office where she sits down at a desk, exchanges some words with a coworker that are obscured by the voiceover, and begins to scroll through files on her tablet.


"During the day, my job is with the Cultural Preservation bureau. We go through the history of every culture that joins the Great Assimilation, and make sure what made them unique is preserved. We all have something special about ourselves, and it might not be what we think it is at first!"


We now see her at home, a compact but well stocked apartment where Virginia is pulling scones out of the oven.


"Baking is how I unwind, and there's something really special about getting to make treats for my friends, and the family I have that survived the conquest of our moon, and seeing the smiles on their faces."


We see Virginia and a group of friends all wearing black and gold pyjamas watching a movie together, eating Virginia's sumptuous looking baked goods.


"I think my big goals at the Great Cosmic bake off are to make something that uses the knowledge of the cultures I've learned about, and hopefully surprise the judges with some great new flavor combinations! It'd also be nice if I could find the location of the Utopia Dimension so we could annihilate it and prevent it from killing the rest of my family and friends!"


There's a close up of Virginia with a confident smile, arms crossed, as the camera pans around her.
"I'm Virginia Stems-6 and I'm proud to be part of the Great Cosmic Bake Off!"


Jason glances over at Blanche and mouths, "Is she for real? She sounds way to happy about death!"
Blanche mouths back, "I can't read your lips, you need to enunciate more when you do it," with very broad lip movements.


Gwen looks into the camera, “Our next baker comes from Ghenthar, where she has a unique hobby...”
Lady Aesc gasps, “Get out!”
“The Queen of Death!”


We see the Queen of Death. She stands in front of her baking equipment, the camera doing the same pan it did around Virginia, only she has her fists clenched at her side. Her chin down, her left eye twitching. She is wearing a grey dress, with a headdress made from humanoid bones fanning out behind her head. Her apron says “Cake to DIE for!”


“I first got into baking five days ago when an agent of the Utopia Dimension informed me that my most hated enemy, the...rather stunning Lady Aesc, who frankly has only gotten more attractive with her new body, and her friends would likely be coming to the Great Cosmic Bake Off and if I wanted revenge this would be my best chance at it. I have trained every day with the greatest chefs in twenty systems, and I will,” at this point she raises a fist up, “crush her friend’s baking dreams, and now that she’s a judge, her taste buds! After she tries my scones she’ll have to go out for a coffee with me.”
There is a long silence.
“I mean I will cut her head off and add it to my collection of skulls.”


We see shots of inside the Castle of Death, which is currently under heavy renovations to repair massive fire and plasma damage. The Queen of Death walks through the hallways into a kitchen, where she rather awkwardly tries stirring some ingredients into a bowl. It looks as though she only learned how to stir ingredients into a bowl this week.


“After Lady Aesc destroyed my castle, and helped my pet dragon escape, I’ve been searching for purpose. I found that purpose in revenge. And in properly flaky croissants. I can’t wait to see the look on that stupid face of hers when I beat her friends. That stupid stupid face. With that clever smile. And those deep beautiful eyes. The way her hair is just a little bit messy, but you can tell she still cares for it. Those long coats she wears? Whew, lemme tell you? Mmm hmn.” She finishes stirring, “What was I talking about?


We see a time lapse of her pouring the batter out into a pan, waiting for it to cook, and then time goes back to normal as she pulls it out of the oven, then speeds up again as she frosts it, and cuts slices out for her and her minions.


“My goals with the baking contest are to exact sweet revenge on Lady Aesc and her friends! I will destroy them, and laugh over Lady Aesc’s bloody corpse! Or...Kiss her. Hold her all night long and...” she stops, and bites her lip her eyes widening, “What AM I feeling? Am I falling in love with her? No! She’s my enemy! But that style. And those eyes...” She throws a piece of cake at the wall, and a minion rushes to clean it up.
“No, sorry Steve. I’ll get that. No really you don’t have to—oh alright if you insist I guess.”


We return to a shot of her in the baking tent.


“I’m The Queen of Death and I maybe should have thought about my emotions before I signed up for a televised baking contest, in 20/20 hindsight.”


The camera returns to Gwen.


“Well isn’t that exciting? Now that we’ve met our contestants it’s time for the first challenge! In the Cultural challenge, our contestants will bake something from where they grew up. Bakers!”
The bakers stand at the ready in front of their cooking area.


“Begin!”


Blanche is carefully measuring out the ingredients for her bake with a scientific precision, ”Some people say you should bake with the heart, but honestly I’ve always thought that was ridiculous. Baking is a science, and you should treat it as such.”


The camera cuts to Jason, who measures out some sugar, and then puts a little extra in, “My mother always said you should bake from the heart, and anyone who said otherwise was probably compensating for something.”


The Queen of Death holds an egg, squinting at it, and then smashes it against the table, smooshing the yolk down with her palm.,” Wait. I think I did that wrong.”


Virginia carefully sifts her flour and baking powder together, and gives a coy smile up to the camera, "Lemon trees grow really easily on our moon, so lemon bars a staple. It was a bit of a shock when I realized other places didn't eat them for breakfast."


Blanche finishes forming the dough into balls, and places them on a baking sheet, "My mother used to make Pryaniki like this, it's one of the few things I've held onto from that time in my life. She'd always say, 'Little Wild Rabbit, make sure you add the spices and the sugar, just like in life,'..." Blanche pauses, and puts the tray in the oven before looking back into the camera, "Now that I think about it, I have no idea what that means."


Jason has also finished his buns, Gwen is over by him, "You were on a spaceship, you didn't get many iced buns there did you?"
He smirks and shakes his head, "Nope, whenever I got land leave though, me mum and dad would make them. They're a simple pleasure, you don't make it too complicated, you enjoy what it is. Too much would ruin it."
"That's rather profound, spaceboy."
He shrugs as he places them in the oven.


The Queen of Death is scrambling, "I think...I think I followed the directions?" Her dough is dry and hard to shape, "Maybe I just need to throw some water on it," she does, and the dough is now too soupy.
She looks up into the camera and bares her teeth, "Welp."
She pours the batter and shoves them in the oven.


Virginia has already placed her bars in the oven, "I worked quickly here, so hopefully I can have time to do something special with the frosting...I think I can do something great."


We cut to Gwen, "So, how did our contestants do? Let's find out!"


The contestants stand in front of carefully laid out displays of their baked goods, as the three judges approach.


"Alright, Blanche, we'll start with you!" Gwen says.
The three judges each pick up a pryaniki, and take a bite out of it, Treyek the Thrice Damned makes wet sound like a predator eating a carcass as they chew.
"Oh, it's quite good," Cosma says.
"You really balanced the spices with the sweetness," Aesc adds.
"SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!" Treyek adds.
"Oh absolutely," Aesc agrees.
"Thank you!" Blanche says.
"This is a fine work, and it's difficult to find anything to criticize. A very excellent bake," Cosma concludes.
Blanche is red in the face.
Aesc grabs two more, stuffs them into her pockets, and then shoves another one in her mouth.


Jason stands nervously as the judges pick up his iced buns.
"Picking Iced Buns is a fairly brave choice, as you're going to be graded largely on your technical skill here," Cosma says.
Jason nods, more nervously. The three bite in.
Treyek is the first to speak, "KEEEEAAAKKKK!!!" they exclaim.
"Yes, I couldn't agree more," Aesc says, "that is how the texture is."
"Hard to say anything better than what Treyek said."
Jason coughs politely, "Uh, what did Treyek say?"
"KEEE--AAAAK!" Treyek enunciates.
"Ah, right," Jason says, "thank you."
Aesc grabs some buns, and shoves them in her pockets, carrying another one off with her teeth as they leave.


The judges look down at Virginia's lemon bars, which are exquisite. She's done a fancy frosting pattern over the top, and the bars look perfectly baked.
"I have to say, they're really pretty. Almost as pretty as-" Aesc does double finger guns across the room, "MY GIRLFRIEND OOOOOHH!"
Blanche gives an embarrassed wave.
Virginia coughs, "You're uh, dating one of the other contestants?"
"She's a cosmic entity, she'd never dare break the rules of a baking contest," Cosma says with a frown.
"Sorry, of course."
The judges pick up a lemon bar, as soon as they start chewing, they look at each other.
"Holy shit," Aesc says between bites.
"EEEEKAAWWWW!" Treyek replies.
Virginia's hands are clasped in front of her apron, they shake nervously.
Cosma looks up, "Virginia, I daresay, these are the best lemon bars I've ever had, and I watched them be invented."
"Yeah, o-m-f-g," Aesc agrees, and stuffs another one in her mouth, and then picks up the plate and straight up shoves some of them into her pockets.
Treyek makes a long series of sounds like listening to a cat die, and Aesc and Cosma laugh.
"Oh, I didn't know you were such a jokester!" Aesc says.
"...ha. ha!" Virginia manages.
"But yes, truly a good bake," Cosma says.


The camera starts on the Queen of Death's face. She's looking down. Her lips are pursed. We cut to the judges: Aesc's face is screwed up. Cosma is stoic. The bone and meat sticking out of Treyek's hood somehow manages to look disappointed.
We see the bake. It's...clearly undercooked. It's hard to tell exactly what it was meant to be.
The judges pick one up, and take a bite. Aesc chews hers for a second, and spits it out onto the floor. Treyek eats it all, making lighter squeakier noises than usual. Cosma just shakes her head as she chews.
"Yeah, that's gunna be a no from me," Aesc says.
"Mep," Treyek says.
"No, we're not going to throw her into the sun for how bad that was," Aesc tells them.
"It was very bad, however. It tastes like you'd only started baking this week."
"...uh. well..." the Queen of Death mutters.
"I think all three of us are in agreement?" Cosma asks, the other two nod, "The Queen of Death, you are eliminated from the competition. I'm sorry, but we'll have to send you home."
She mopes, "Before I go, Lady Aesc, can I just say, that new look is really sexy and--"
Cosma's eyes flash, and the Queen of Death disappears in a blinding burst of energy.
"Well, I certainly hope round 2 will be better!" Gwen says, “But for now we’ll let the bakers take a short break.
We see the bakers all go over and try some of the other’s bakes. Virginia and Jason both seem to really like Blanche’s pryaniki


Gwen coughs, “Hello everyone! Attention! We’re now ready to do round 2 of our bake off, the blind recipe.” The three remaining contestants are all standing in front of their tables, which all have a sheet over them, “Bakers ready! Begin!” They each pull off the sheet to reveal identical sets of ingredients and instructions.


We see a close-up on Virginia’s face, “I’ve...never heard of some of these ingredients.”
Now Jason, “They didn’t even write all the instructions.”
Blanche’s dialogue is bleeped out.
Jason lets out a deep breath, “Chin up then! I’ll do my best.”
Blanche begins combining some of the ingredients in a bowl, “That does not look right.” They begin bubbling. “Extra not right.” They catch on fire. “SERIOUSLY?”
Virginia is biting her lip hard, “I suppose maybe...if I measure out the ingredients I can...sort of guess how to combine them?” She begins rifling through the provided ingredients, and sets them all out. She stands there, hands on her hips, and looks down at all of them, “Alright, yeah, I have no idea still.”
Jason is looking intently at the recipe, Gwen walks over to him, “Alright Jason, I can see you’re deep in thought here.”
“I’m divining arcane secrets,” he says, chuckling.
Gwen laughs, “And what have you divined?”
“I think I’m...overthinking this. I can’t know what this is, but I think it’s more important I try to make it into something I’d like to eat, even if it’s not precisely what the recipe is supposed to be.”
Gwen waggles her eyebrows, “A bold decision!”
“Or a reckless one!”
“Time will tell.”
Gwen walks over to Blanche, who is rolling the ingredients together. The dough looks...yellow.
“And what are we making here?”
Blanche scrunches her face up around the eyes, “Um, well I’m just trying to follow the instructions as closely as I can with as little modification.”
Gwen nods, “It’s very yellow.”
“Maybe it’ll taste like lemons?”
“Are there any lemons in it?
Blanche laughs, “No, none at all.”
Finally Gwen reaches Virginia, who is mildly freaking out.
“Deep breaths, Virginia!”
Her hand trembles as she shakes a white powder into the bowl.
“So, that’s not on the ingredients list I believe.”
“Yeah, so...I don’t know what it’s supposed to be. But I tasted all the ingredients and I think if I can shape it a little familiar I’ll be able to bake it with a little more confidence.”
“That’s a big risk!”
“It’s why my hands are a mess!”
They both laugh nervously, and we cut to all three of them, in turn putting their bake into a pan, and putting it in the oven. Virginia is in a squat, peering into the oven, biting her lip. Blanche is leaning on the counter behind her, and blowing out a big breath as she looks into it. Jason is on his phone.
They pull the bakes out of the oven. All of them look a little concerned.


Jason, Blanche, and Virginia set their bakes down. None of them look the same: Jason’s is a lily-white braided loaf of bread. Blanche’s Is braided but...it looks yellow, and it hasn’t risen like Jason’s, Virginia’s is white, but it has weird blue spots all over it, and it also hasn’t risen. The three judges step up. They look at Virginia’s, and Treyek extends a razor made of bone from out of their sleeve, the bone seeming to glisten with half remembered faces, and cuts three slices from her loaf. The inside is a messy greenish yellow.
“That certainly doesn’t look appetizing,” Cosma says.
“The color is all wrong, but how does it taste?” Aesc asks.
They pick up their slices and bite in. Virginia is trembling all over.
“Mebep,” Treyek says.
“It is a shame, isn’t it,” Cosma says.
“I’m really sorry to say it Virginia, but this doesn’t taste anything like a Vianishnaq,” Aesc says.
“Im sorry,” Virginia says, hands clasped tightly in front of her.
“The color is wrong, the texture is dry, the dough didn’t rise, and while the flavor is actually good, it’s the wrong flavor. But this was a difficult bake, and you should be proud of your attempt.”
She holds her head down as the judges keep going. Jason gives her a pat on the back, and she reaches up to touch his hand, nodding in appreciation.
Treyek reaches Blanche’s loaf, and cuts three slices. The inside is...actually a fairly appetizing brown color. The three judges grab their slices, and begin chewing. Blanche keeps her head high.
Aesc grimaces.
Blanche scrunches her face up, “Ah.”
“You know, I have to be honest as a judge at a baking contest, it’s one of those rules immortals have to follow, and...Blanche… it’s not very good.”
“Mebeg,” Treyek concurs.
Cosma points at the bread, “You actually got the texture of the bread, it’s moist and feels good in the mouth, but the flavor is confused, the color is wrong, and the bread didn’t rise.”
“I see,” Blanch says nodding.
“But again, a difficult bake, and a good attempt for doing it blind.”
“Thank you.”
They reach Jason’s loaf, and after the slices are cut, the inside looks very different. While the crust was white, the inside is a rich raised brown. They taste the bread.
The judges are all silent while they eat it, Jason runs his tongue along his lower lip.
“Well then,” Cosma says.
Jason flinches.
“I certainly wasn’t expecting that, honestly,” Aesc replies.
“SKGRRRRRAK,” Treyek says.
Jason looks at his feet.
Cosma takes another bite, “After two mess ups, you cooked a Vianishnaq perfectly. Incredible.”
Blanche and Virginia look stunned.
“Which of course,” Gwen cuts in, “means the judges have to decide who leaves.”


Virginia extends a hand to Blanche, “Whichever one of us, it’s been an honor to bake against such talented bakers.”
Blanche hesitates, then shakes it, “You’re in this to stop the Utopia Dimension too then?”
Virginia startles a little, “That’s why you’re here? I feel a little better then, I was really worried if I lost the contest my home would be destroyed. I’m really glad to hear you’re here to stop it. I actually entered before we learned about that, I just was going to ask for my own bakery when I win, but the greater good and all that.”
“Yeah,” Blanche replies, “I’m sure the Infinite Armada would deal with it tactfully.”
Virginia’s face falls, “We’re all on the same team here.”
“Blanche!” Jason hisses, pulling her away.
“Jason, listen to me. You’ve never seen the Great Assimilation. The Infinite Armada isn’t called that as a joke, it’s large enough to invade an entire universe. Not a planet, not a galaxy, a universe. Do you really think that if they got the location of the Utopia Dimension they wouldn’t just take whatever weapon they have there, and slaughter anyone in their way?”
Jason pauses, “You’re serious?”
“I’m serious.”


Gwen steps forward, “Our judges have made their decision. And unfortunately, I have the sad job to tell you all who will be leaving today...”
The camera goes to Blanche’s face, then Virginia’s, then back and forth, then all three of them.
Gwen takes a breath, “Blanche.”
Blanche looks stunned, and gets hugged by Jason, and Virginia, and then Lady Aesc, Treyek, and Cosma all pile on.
“We’ll all be sad to see you go,” Cosma says, and her eyes begin to light up.”
“Wait!” Aesc says, “I’m actually both of their rides, so could we skip that? I’d just have to go pick them up somewhere else it’d just be a hassle.”
Her eyes stop glowing, “Oh, yes you should have said something Lady Aesculapius. We’re not unreasonable about these things.”
The judges shake Jason and Virginia’s hands, and Blanche looks at Jason and mouths with clear annunciation, “Win.”


The tent has been cleaned for the final round. Jason and Virginia stand at their baking stations, all cleaned up themselves. The cameras pan across them dramatically.
Gwen, in voiceover, “When we started today, we had four bakers, but now we’re down to the final two. So before we see their bakes, we wanted to stop in with their families.”

We see a woman who looks very much like Virginia, only older and with a bit of cybernetics replacing her left eye, and the side of her head up to the ear behind it. Beside her is a teenage girl, who also looks fairly similar to Virginia. The pair are sitting at the kitchen table, as Gwen begins a voiceover: “The Stens-6 family comes from the Great Assimilation, on the moon of Ialgo.”
Her mother speaks, “Virginia really took up to baking after her father died, I think it’s really been therapeutic for her.”
Her sister nods, “She’s so good too, I really hope she’ll win.”
We see a hologram of Virginia accepting a local baking contest trophy, her mother talks: “I know her goal is to open her own bakery someday, so I want that for her to. She was always such a shy timid girl growing up, and we’re just proud of her for being able to put herself out in the spotlight like that. She’s gained so much confidence.”
We cut to a shot of the two waving, “You can do it Virginia!” they say into the camera.


We see a couple, gray hair but both in good physical shape. One is a woman wearing a flower pattern dress, the other a man in a dress shirt with a sweater vest over it. Gwen’s voice over begins, “Jason’s parents hail from Newcastle, on Centro Earth in his home reality.”
Jason’s mother speaks, “Jason and I baked together a lot when he was a child,” there is a pause, as though she’s remembering something she’d forgotten, “...sometimes along with his friend Blanche.”
His father pauses confused for a moment, “Oh! Yes, Blanche of course.”
“So it’s been fun to see them both compete. I worked a lot at the spaceport as a mechanic, and his father was at the office so often, that baking was often some of the only quality time we had together. He’d often shake out the sprinkles on top of things and call them stars, he was always thinking of the stars.”
His father speaks, “We’re real proud of you son, and we’ll be cheering you on!”
His mother holds up a big tablet that says, “Go Jason Go!” on it, “We even made signs!”
They wave at the camera, and we cut back to the tent, as the camera arcs around the contestants.

Gwen speaks before them, “Bakers, you’ve come far, and now this final challenge will give you a little taste of home. That’s right, you will need to bake a tiered cake using the theme of Home, and whatever that means to you. Ready...bake!”


Jason and Virginia scramble to start baking. The judges as Gwen come over to each of them to ask them about their concepts.
Gwen starts, “Well hello there Jason! That’s an interesting looking construction.”
He gives a sheepish grin, “My cake is based around the two places that are home for me: Newcastle, Lady Aesc’s Foce.”
Lady Aesc gasps, puts both hands over her mouth, and jumps up and down. “You think of the Foce as home ahhHHHHH!!!!”
Treyek screeches.
“Yes, I agree this is very sweet. So you’ll be baking two separate cakes?”
“Yeah a chocolate sponge for the bottom, and a real light white cake for the top.”
“Then we’ll leave you to it.”


They arrive at Virginia’s baking station, “And what do you have for us Virginia?”
Virginia gives a close mouthed smile, “I’m trying to channel what home really means to me, which is the people who are there. Home isn’t just a place, it’s the people you want to go back to. And for me that’s my mom and sis. So I’m going to have a cake that has us escaping from the dark times together into safety.”
“That’s quite a beautiful sentiment, Virginia,” Aesc says.
“Thank you!”
“Alright, we’ll leave you to it then.”


We see a montage of the pair baking, but we don’t get to see what they’re making. It’s very carefully edited. Virginia and Jason carefully place their top layer on. Jason puts his hands on his hips, looking proud, Virginia wipes her brow.
“And...Time!” Gwen shouts, “Jason, could you bring your cake up.”


We see Jason’s cake as he lifts it up, and carries it to to the table in front of the judges. It has castle tower, complete with frosting brick pattern, and at the top it supports an orb shaped cake styled like a Factory of Crystal. Careful lines of edible glitter sparkle as the “cracks” on its surface.
He sets it down and looks up at the judges.
“I must say, this is an incredible presentation, and surprisingly stable,” Cosma says. “Tell us a little about it.”
“I wanted to show how the two places I call home, Newcastle and Lady Aesc’s Foce fit together.”
Treyek sounds like gears grinding.
“I’m very honored, yes, but does it taste good?” Aesc answers, and they carefully cut from the tower and the orb. The judges take their bites. Jason stands nervously.
“It’s incredibly moist!” Cosma says.
More gear grinding sounds.
“The two flavor sets you went with compliment each other perfectly,” Aesc says.
“Jason, you should be very proud of this cake. It’s tasty, there’s good texture, and the presentation is wonderful.”
“Thank you so much!”
Gwen gestures, “If you could take your new-castle back, Jason, and Virginia if you could bring up your cake?”
She takes a big breath, puts on a smile, and carries her cake up. The base layer is a swirling black chocolate, like a whirlpool, and in it’s center is a rainbow colored cake that looks like it’s shooting out of the base, at the top of it are three creampuffs stuck on with icing, and one orb made of carefully made semi-circles of melted sugar joined together. She sets it down.
“This is certainly a unique presentation, Virginia, tell us a little about it.”
She keeps her smile up, but it seems more genuine now, “I wanted to show how home can be an escape from the darkness. So here’s my family, rising out of the bad times, the three creampuffs are me and my mom and sis, and the clear sugar orb is my late father, still with us even though the light goes through him.”
“It’s a beautiful concept Virginia, and I think you’ve honored your family really well,” Aesc says.
“Thank you.”
“ScraaaaaaaaaK!” Treyek says, and cuts slices from it. The judges taste them. They chew. Virginia’s hands go to the front of her apron, clasped tight
“These are absolutely delicious,” Cosma says, “your flavor combinations are impeccable, and having one layer a darker chocolate and the top one a sweeter cake was inspired.”
“Thank you!”
Gwen gestures, “Bakers, if you would please take your cakes from the tent, we have a surprise for you and we’ll be making the announcement of the winner.”
Jason and Virginia exchange a look, and pick up their cakes to leave the tent. The camera follows them as the door to the tent is pulled open and...there is a crowd of their friends and family there! Jason’s parents, Virginia’s mom and sister, Blanche and all of her scouts, the crew of Jason’s Centro Exploratory Ship, and many of Virginia’s friend’s from the great assimilation. There’s music, a bouncy castle, lawn games, flowers, and lots of cheering!
Jason and Virginia smile, and set their cakes down on two prepared tables, and start exchanging hugs with their loved ones.
“I had no idea you’d be here! How’d they get you here from Earth?” Jason asks, as his mother gives him a big kiss on the cheek.
“Oh, your friend Lady Aesculapius picked us all up right after we finished the interview! We’re so happy to see you!”
He and his mom and dad hug, while in the background Blanche explains that it’s not okay to tell another child the black dirt they picked up is weird cake.
Virginia hugs her mom and sister, “I can’t believe you made it!”
“I can believe you did,” her sister says.
“Oh hush Michelle.”


Gwen yells out, “May I have your attention!”
All eyes turn to her.
“Our judges have reached a decision on the winner of the Great Cosmic Bake Off. Bakers, it has been quite a journey, and both of you are so deserving of this title. It was a hard debate, done psychically in a time stalled pocket dimension, but the choice has been made.”
Virginia smiles over at Jason and mouths “Good luck!”
He grins back, “You too!”


“So,” Gwen says. It is my great pleasure to announce the winner this year is…”


We cut between Jason and Virginia’s faces.


We cut between their loved ones’s faces.


We cut between the judges faces.


We cut back to Jason and Virginia’s faces.


We cut to Jason’s Mother’s face.


We cut to Virginia’s Mother’s face.


We cut between Jason and Virginia’s faces again.


We cut between the judges faces.


We cut back to Jason and Virginia’s faces together...


“VIRGINIA STENS-6!”
Virginia breaks out in tears of joy, covering her mouth as her mother and sister jump up and down in excitement. Jason applauds, Blanche looks horrified.
Gwen continues, “Virginia, your cake was not only delicious, but moving, and very difficult to make, and Cosma, Aesc, and Treyek all agree that you are this year’s best baker.” Gwen hands her the trophy, and she nearly falls over, barely getting out a “Thank you!”
Blanche goes up to Jason, “We need a plan B. Now.”
Jason frowns, “What do you propose we do? Everyone is really happy Blanche.”
“They won’t be for long.”
Treyek reaches into their chest, and pulls out a bag of flour, and then makes a series of clicks and pops.
“Since I know you can’t speak Treyek’s language, allow me to translate,” Cosma says, “Virginia, as the winner we present you with one bag of Cosmic Flour. With this, you will be able to achieve your wish of traveling to the Utopia Dimension. Treyek stole it themselves from Final Satan at the end of the universe, so you can count on it’s legitimacy.”
Virginia looks a little alarmed by the idea of “Final Satan” but bows and thanks Treyek.
Blanche starts to turn, but then Jason puts a hand on her shoulder, because Virginia is in front of both of them.
“I want to thank both of you, for being such good bakers and being such good sports,” she looks down at the flour, “You know, it wasn’t so long ago I thought nothing would be okay again, but things were after a time, not better but okay. And all I’ve ever wanted was to be happy, to be safe.” She holds the bag of flour out to the two of them.
“What?” Blanche says.
“You won that, Virginia.”
“I did, but if you can stop the Utopia Dimension without so much bloodshed, I want you to do it. You’re kind, and I believe in you,” she purses her lips for a moment and glances at Blanche, “Even if you don’t believe in me.”
Blanche looks at her feet.
Jason takes the flour from her, “Thank you, Virginia.”
She grins, “If I get my bakery you folks have to promise to stop by.”
“I’m sure we can get Aesc to pull a few strings,” Blanche mumbles, and Virginia tackles her in a hug.
Jason looks at the flour, and then over at Aesc, the Quantum Whisk sticking out of her coat pocket, “Actually...I have an idea. Virginia, want to help us with one final bake?”
She lets Blanche free, and nods, “I’d love to.”
After the party dies down, and Aesc takes the guests home after many tearful farewells, reappearing moments after she left, the four march into the baking tent.
“Alright team,” Aesc says, “It’s time to bake a cake.”
Virginia and Jason start work on the cake itself, while Blanche starts work on the frosting, and Aesc runs point between all of them. The whisk is tossed between them, stirring every part of the mixture. The Cosmic Flour is strange to work with, but they do well with it.
Soon, the cakes are in the oven, and the four play cards on the floor while they wait.
Finally, after the cakes cool, they put them together, homemade jam between the layers, frosting around the outside. They decorate it with more frosting, and bits of fruit. It looks delightful. Aesc takes a picture of it.
“Now, when you eat your slice Virginia, think about going home, right? We’ll be going on a dangerous mission, so we don’t want you in danger!”
She nods, “Good luck. Please save the multiverse for me, I’d rather like to live in it.”
“You can count on us!” Jason replies.
Blanche gives her a nod, “You’re alright, actually.”
The other three laugh, “That’s a big compliment actually,” Jason says.
Blanche lightly slugs him, and the four each pick up a slice of cake.
They clink them together like they were glasses, and take a bite.


Virginia found herself moving through an ocean of flavors, like the nature of cake was carrying her through reality, till she found herself on the shining clean streets of her home city. She looks around, smiling to be back, until she sees it.
There in front of her is a building labeled, “Virginia’s Cosmic Bakes.”
She rushes forward, it’s beautiful, the inside is filled with all the equipment she could ever want! There’s an envelope on the door, and she opens it to find the deed and key.
“Virginia—Ready, bake! We’ll stop by later if we aren’t all dead and all of reality isn’t violently wiped away! Make cupcakes! Love and frosting, -Aesc, Jason, and Blanche.
She looks up to the starry sky, and she isn’t afraid, “You’ve got this. See you next week.”

In a lifeless clockwork solar system - where nothing had happened for a million years with perfect regularity - some new speck of dust had blown into the machine: a blue crystal moon, about the size of a house. Jason's hair was still wet from the shower. "Ooh! Star Wars episode ex-ex-ex-eye-ex: Abeloth's Revenge!"
"Eh," said Blanche, flipping through the TV magazine, which in these days had graduated from commercial publishing to the high-end small press: the films that ran through Sunday afternoons were explored in dramatic multi-page features set in the Swiss International Style, the regular listings ran in dense columns of lightly embossed type you could run your finger over like braille, and it arrived in a glossy hardback with highly designed collectible inserts whenever a soap had an explosion in it.
"Why not?" asked Jason. "It's got the best space battles in the series!"
"I hate watching movies on TV. The art is always broken up by five-minute capitalism breaks, it’s a tax on time."
They sat on the sofa in a small alcove coming off the Factory of Crystal's control tower. This living area had a coffee table, a luminous pot plant, and a wood-panelled 70s TV plugged into a fancy crystal socket.
Lady Aesculapius, meanwhile, danced around the Foce's controls, occasionally speaking aloud about coordinates and dimensions.
"Babe, who are you talking to?" asked Blanche.
Lady Aesc looked up. "Myselves. I'm trying to find the Utopia Dimension so we can stop them destroying more universes, but I can't get a fix. I've enlisted all my previous incarnations to help run a calculation from my first life to now, but it's not really working. God, I was such an idiot."
Blanche frowned. On one of the screens she could make out images of previous Lady Aescs, most of whom looked like stock footage. There were many Blanche didn't recognise, like one with a brightly coloured jumper and a huge 1980s perm, another wearing a beige suit with an old Greenpeace t-shirt. Only the three most recent Aesculapii were in HD. Two bedraggled elvin androgynes fought at a steamship’s console in a drawing by Aubrey Beardsley, and one screen displayed a photo of a Greek oracle on a vase.
Jason resumed channel surfing. "What do you wanna watch?"
"I prefer, like, all the prestige drama," said Blanche, turning back to the TV.
"Mmmm…” Jason really couldn't stomach a lot of serious shows about violence and death where nobody got a happy ending, but he also wanted to break the tension with Blanche.
Something caught her eye. “Do you have EastEnders, in your time?”
“Oh yeah, we love the soaps in this house don’t we?”
“I have lived for a million years,” said Aesc, “and I shall live for a million more. Five seasons is a short story for me, I need Russian novels.”
“When's it on?" He looked out the window at the planet they were orbiting. The Factory was going fairly quickly, it had been night a few times since he woke up, and nobody had had their dinner yet. "Ye know what…”
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't ask it. Don't think it. Just leave the thought alone."
Jason frowned. "Alright, geez. I was just gonnae ask 'what time is it now?'"
Without any clear movement in the room, they became aware of Lady Aesculapius breathing heavily between their faces.
"I think it's…”
She looked at Blanche.
"…time…”
She looked at Jason.
"…we had the conversation," she said, stressing each syllable.
Blanche flapped her arms in frustration, letting her open palms slap against her knees, then stood up. "Fuck's sake."

"Behold!"
Lady Aesculapius threw open a pair of double doors and Jason beheld another pair of double doors.
"Wait, hold on, I always forget about this weird vestibule bit." She approached the next set of doors and threw those open. "Behold!"
It was like an art gallery designed by M.C. Escher. The room was vast, with high vaulted ceilings and ornate patterns carved into the Factory of Crystal's bright blue walls. Staircases jutted out at weird angles and doorways led off to other rooms where the laws of physics - or, “best practices” - shouldn’t have allowed them. There were what looked like sculptural art pieces and display cases everywhere, some on the ground level, some on the walls or halfway upside-down a flight of steps.
"What is this place?" asked Jason.
"My darkest secret, my strange addiction," said Lady Aesc. "My collection of clocks from all across the multiverse. You know how it is. Someone gives you one as a gift, then someone gives you another, then people see that you have two and assume you must collect them, and it just kinda…” She flapped her arms at the lifetimes of curatorial work behind her, as if apologising for the mess.
"I see a few more since I was last in here," said Blanche.
"We'd better do the full tour then! Jason, pay attention. Jason?"
Jason was standing in a large circle of dirt in the middle of the vestibule, bounded by a kerb that had ‘STEP OVER ME!’ painted all around it in a white stencil font. He was staring at a long tree branch that had been thrust into the ground at the centre of the circle. "What's this?"
"That's for later." Lady Aesc put a hand on his shoulder, slowly but firmly pulling him out of the circle. "We need to work up to that one, let’s go through it all as Curator intended, yeah? Yeah.”


* * *


"The first thing to understand about the question 'what time is it now?' is that time is relative to where you are," explained Lady Aesc.
"Well I know that," said Jason. He glanced at each clock as they moved down the line. It was 5:57pm in London, 12:57am in New York, and 1:57am in Beijing; 4:57pm in Atlantis, 10:57xm in Jaa’stek, 57:57 on Planet 57, and high noon on Cowboy Emoji.
"These ones here aren't up to much," said Lady Aesc, breezing by them quickly. "Here we have a five-dimensional clock from Kapisto, an anti-clockwise clock built by the Time Rebellion, who I love, and a clock punched by factory workers - to pieces, I should add - during the revolution of Beta Pictoris c. Ah, here's a good one."


The Saturday Clock does not have hands, but two long black liquorice ropes that roll slowly along its irregular face. Nobody knows what powers the clock, but it barely cares to be powered at all; it is centrally driven - with no appreciable motor - by something like a big water wheel you might see on a riverside mill, that eventually falls under the irresistible weight of long slow droops of honey that ooze out from who-knows-where.


Another clock comes from from the trustless blockchain world, where it is agreed upon that everyone arrives at the agreed-upon time: at the city market that uses more electricity than Austria, and handles seven transactions per second.


* * *


Jason frowned.
Atop the pedestal was a scale model of London's Elizabeth Tower, complete with the Houses of Parliament and Westminster Bridge. The clocks on the four faces of the tower reached midnight, and a tiny bell rang.
Jason turned to face Lady Aesc.
"Small Ben,” she said.
"Yeah, yeah, I get it."


Later, Jason examined a late-Victorian pocket watch that had been embedded in a stone.
Lady Aesculapius crept up very slowly behind him.
Jason pondered the way that the watch appeared to have been fossilised. This wasn’t a natural find, the little plaque on the wall explained, this was a piece. One of the anonymous artists had placed this watch in the ground, somewhere that they had to have known wouldn’t be disturbed, and the other had known to cut it out of the stone that formed there millions of years later.
Lady Aesculapius was in the process of leaning over, behind his shoulder, making sure that her hair didn’t fall and tickle his back.
Jason folded his arms in contemplation. He thought about the complexity of this object, and how greater complexity falls so quickly into entropy, about how all we ever see of the ancient civilizations are their pots or their toy horses, just because there’s less to fall apart. He thought about carbon nanofiber skyscrapers of clear solar-panel glass, and engineering done by AI architects who couldn’t explain their methods if we knew how to ask. He thought about something as simple as the pyramids or the tombs of pharaohs. Maybe if humans went extinct on Earth, after some great stretch of time, all that an alien archaeologist would find would be pyramids and plastic shopping bags.
As Jason made sense of the fossilised fob watch, and breathed deeply because he’d forgotten to breathe for a hot minute, Lady Aesculapius’ lips hovered at his earlobe. She whispered, “rock around the clock.”


* * *


Professional reenactors braid their beards, don their druid robes and take their place at Papiermâchéhenge, encircled by a tungsten-halogen sun. To this day experts debate how the structure could have possibly been built.


* * *


In the olden days the cogs of a clock had a story to tell about where they stood: tooth in tooth with comrades big and small. With the invention of digital clocks - and the attendant innovation in computing technology - the cogs now spend their days cooped up in little transistors, sending their messages zooming along silicon superhighways. The circuit boards get smaller every year, but for the agile digital cog of today space is never an issue: when they sleepily trudge home across the copper cobbles they move through eachother like ghosts, and end up apologising if their teeth touch.


* * *


“Oh look!” Jason perked up and pointed over in the distance. “That’s one of those Salvador Dalí clocks, from the painting!”
“Oh yeah,” Aesc nodded, visibly not paying attention to it.
“Everyone loves the melty clocks, Aesc!” Blanche grinned.
“And that’s perfectly fine,” said Aesc.
“What’s wrong with the melty clocks?” Jason asked.
“I never said there was anything wrong with the melty clocks,” said Aesc.
“I just feel like I’m being made to feel like there’s something wrong with the melty clocks,” said Jason.
“It’s just…” Aesc stopped and faced the melty clock. “A bit… tourist-y? Like, I understand why the melty clock is popular, it’s sort of iconic and sort of… conceptually very digestible, sure, but like… there’s not much intellectual meat on those bones, is what I’m saying…”
“Wow,” said Jason.
“It’s sort of like an Andy Warhol-”
“Wow,” said Blanche.
“-in that you see it, and there’s a thrill in seeing it, and that’s perfectly valid, but when you actually look at it, for a while, what’s really there?”
Jason folded his arms. “You made us sit in that cinema room for ten minutes watching a video art piece that told the story of an apricot who knows exactly when he’s gonna die.”
“And what a story it had to tell!”


* * *


A bottle of amber liquid sits on a pedestal. A click, and it sprays a strong perfume that smells distinctly like quarter-past two.


The next clock looked like any other, but the numbers around its circumference were all wrong. The numbers went from 1 to 13, and between those big numbers were smaller numbers counting from 0 to 45.
"Ah, the adventure clock," said Lady Aesc. "45-minute hours, with days broken up into 13 action-packed instalments."
"Why would you need a clock like this?" asked Jason.
"It fits my life pretty well. 45 minutes is a good amount of time for an adventure; too short and there's not enough plot development, too long and it starts to devolve into filler. And 13 instalments gives your day enough room to have an arc.”


The next one along was a picture frame mounted on the wall. It looked empty, but when Jason stood in front of it, there appeared a picture of some lemons criss-crossed by the Getty Images watermark.
Jason frowned.
Blanche heard his frown. "It's the vibe clock. It gives you a random high-quality JPEG of something that evokes the time."
Jason frowned louder. "But… those are some lemons."
The picture frame faded. Then a new picture emerged, this time of Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.
"Well now it's Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap."
"Yes," said Blanche. "The time changed."


They arrived at what was, by all appearances, an ordinary grandfather clock.
“That’s just an ordinary grandfather clock,” said Blanche.
“But is it?” asked Jason, folding his arms, slightly shivering in his bathrobe. “Is it?”
“Yesss,” Lady Aesculapius intoned. “It’s just that it stopped precisely when its owner died, is all.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jason whispered.
“Many such cases,” she whispered back.


* * *


What will be arguably the best clock has not been designed with the average user in mind. First the team of designers, doctors, anthropologists, and explorers - all Americans - looked into clocks for the disabled: flashing or vibrating clocks for the deaf, talking clocks and stylish braille smartwatches, clocks that grounded one in time, place and purpose for those in the early stages of dementia. Then they travelled across the galaxy to the planet of Gon-polvo, where people had never had to develop linear, narrative memory. They braved the jungles of Imagurro to study the Norritevini, a species precisely the opposite of humans in every way you’d care to think. They were the first to map out - using unmanned aerial drones with LIDAR laser scanners - the lands of the Aulect, whose planet never turned and for whom day and night hemmed in the liminal biome along the equator, who were born in the morning, hunted most of the afternoon, and spent their last decades playing with grandchildren in the midday sun, between contemplative trips to the Sunset Lands with a view of the edge of the Night.
The expedition continues with no end in sight, but they and the supervisory committee believe in an old principle of accessible design: that if we fully map out the circumference, the middle will find itself. (Where better, they have determined, to place the axis from which the hands will turn?)


And here is a soft clock with no gears and no silicon, but a musculature of threads wound on spools of stuffed silk. Where once there was hollow plasticene ticking there is now gentle tension and hard release, and sometimes a quiet brushing sound like hair on a pillow.


Eternalism tells us that time is static and unmoving and that every moment exists at once. In some cultures on the planet Theda, intelligence is negatively correlated with precision, and their totally abstract clocks are never wrong.


* * *


Lady Aesculapius arrived at a bulky suitcase from the 1980s, which sat open on a pedestal with a crisp rectangular block of cash between its leather gums. “This,” said Aesc, “is a clock from the capitalist planet where time is money.” She threw Jason an inky wad of hundreds. “I’ve just added a month onto your lifespan, spend it all at once.”
“You mean you just have this?” Jason stared at the suitcase.
“Over there is the clock from the socialist planet where money was replaced by digital tokens on a decentralised, federated econOS, each one representing an hour of labour time: what the boss once skimmed off the top is now given to the employee, and for the first time they are earning an hour’s pay for an hour’s work. The factory that makes a thousand widgets in an hour sells each widget for a thousandth of an hour, and every sunday painter’s last work is literally priceless.”


Jason was relieved to see what looked like a completely normal clock amongst this collection, before he noticed the second hand moving faster the more he thought about it, and thought and thought and thought about it.
"That's the anxiety clock," said Blanche. She leaned into Jason's ear. "It knows."
"It… knows?" said Jason. "Knows what?"
"Oh, I think you know what it knows." She moved on, smiling when he couldn't see.
Jason took one last look at the anxiety clock as he walked away. Five minutes had passed already, and he’d wasted all of them thinking about that.


“Oh shit, there she is,” Blanche whispered.
Aesculapius stopped and hid beside a window in the wall. She’d framed it like an old painting: a view of a rustic sunlit kitchen in the afternoon. “I think I can smell something baking,” said Jason. He got closer to the window and his eyes widened. “I actually can smell something baking.”
Something beeped, and Jason froze as a woman in a peachy-red dress that swished around her knees fully ran into the kitchen. She’d looked right at him, he thought, but she was too busy tunneling into oven gloves to notice him.
“What does she look like, ace pilot?” Blanche grinned, raising her eyebrows at Jason.
He made a face at her. “I dunno, I can’t see. She’s facing away from me and she’s bent over something in the oven.”
“I’m gonna wait before I turn around so it’s not that pervy,” said Aesc, sucking air through her teeth.
“What would be pervy?” Jason asked. “You can’t see anything. Oh, here she’s turning around now.”
Aesc and Blanche swooned around to rest on Jason’s shoulders, watching the woman nurse a hot pie onto the counter. She blew an obstreperous strand of red hair out of her face then rearranged the whole mass with one glove still on, stopping to recognise something outside of her big open window. Whatever it was, it registered on her soft rosy face with the smallest curl on the corner of her mouth.
“Oh my god,” Aesc fainted into the nape of Jason’s neck. “I cannot.”
“This is Sally Roe,” said Blanche. “She’s an artist who teaches primary school children three days a week. She’s English and speaks BBC-approved received pronunciation even though she was born two generations too late for that. She collects stray cats and really cares about recycling-”
“But not in a paper-straws way ‘cause she’s cool like that,” said Aesculapius.
“-and she’s sort of scatterbrained so she’s taken up list-making, and she’s been quite depressed since the breakup last Christmas-”
“Christmas!” Aesc lamented. “I’ll kill that man.”
“-but, goddammit Jason, she’s trying. She lives in the south of France and has taken up baking. We don’t know why, we only ever see her through this window, but she hasn’t baked since last summer, so.” Blanche looked at Jason, then made a sort of side-eye gesture. “She talks to herself all the time, too. We’re listening for a name. We listen for a name maybe two nights most weeks.”
Jason stood between the two melting women, who radiated little sighs and loving noises at eachother from either side of him. “Why is she here, then? Is that it?” Jason pointed at the clock on the oven. “Is that the clock?”
“Sally Roe gets prettier every year,” said Aesc. “Bolder every month and more self-aware by the week. She’s a carnivorous reader who grows more curious every day, a little wiser every hour, and today she’s becoming more comfortable with her own company every minute. Every second, she sheds one hundred and sixty-six cells of dead skin.”
“Ew,” whispered Jason.
“But everybody does that too,” whispered Blanche, almost unconsciously fingering the curls at the back of his head. “So honestly, who can blame her? Nobody said she was perfect.”


Jason examined a postcard on a pedestal: little cottages huddled on the grassy islands, some of which bobbed out from the water like seals and some of which had grown up to be soft snowy mountains in the distance.
Aesculapius glanced over at Blanche, who was chasing a little alarm clock on wheels, and slid over to Jason’s shoulder. “This is Sommarøy, a little island in Norway where the sun rises in May and sets at the end of July. The usual constraints of day and night mean nothing to the three-hundred and fifty residents, and in some universes they fought a long and hard-won campaign to abolish time entirely. Me and an ex-girlfriend once went on holiday there forever.”


“Over there,” said Aesc, “is the wing of the museum full of blurry and breezy measures of time from all over the Earth, all replicas or gifts from before Europeans landed, before punctuality was enforced at the end of a bayonet.”


“What’s this?” Jason asked, stopping at a red round plinth of bright curtain that billowed very gently at the hem, as if there were a silent breeze from whatever was inside.
“There is a version of Earth where property law shook out differently,” said Aesculapius. “In your world, it used to be the case that the matrilineal line - mothers and children - was the only thing recognised as family, and relations were otherwise so loosey-goosey that in general the men of the tribe recognised many children as their potential offspring.”
“Okay…” said Jason.
“Then agriculture got wicked good, which created the need for organisation, which created a desire for slaves, and then ownership, and in men a great need to see that their accumulated property was passed down to their sons. Former nomads built their individual clay huts, and like the human hand evolved to fit the hammer, the human family evolved to fit the household.”
Blanche continued. “So wealth compounded down the line of fathers and sons. Men inherited land, workers, and soldiers, and the man with the most of these things was made king. Civilisation was born in wedlock, and the world was built on male influence: the pantheons and the fertility cults were driven out by the Father, who so loved mankind that he sacrificed his only so on and so forth.”
“It’s not all metaphysics,” Aesculapius added. “As late as the early twenty-first century, women were misdiagnosed after heart attacks because all the medical studies had been done on men, who show some different symptoms. Women were more likely to be seriously injured in car accidents because the crash-test dummies were all made to look and crush like men’s bodies. Those kinds of things were everywhere, the whole edifice of human knowledge had been built to look like a male face.”
Jason paused, then tried not to furrow his brow too visibly. “So is the punchline here going to be something about how, like, the way we measure time is a certain way because we’re using clocks that were designed by men? Is this going to be one of those bloody awful ‘Prosecco O’ Clock’ things you see in gift shops?”
Blanche took over, preparedly. “In the twentyteens there were studies that found if you gave a man a gun his body started producing more testosterone, and that a milkshake was ‘read’ by the digestive system as more nutritious if the person had been told it was healthy. Social constructs aren’t afraid to become biological ones,” concluded the white-haired Russian.
“Now,” said Lady Aesculapius. “Cook the human race in culture for ten-thousand-plus years. Add more salt. What do you think that does to a species’ brain? The question I was basically interested in when I went searching for this place was, if a human from the Patriarchy Timeline landed in the Matriarchy one, how would they see it? On a basic, sensory level, I mean. Would the moment-to-moment experience of walking down a city street be completely overwritten? Would they be able to learn the language? Would this one alteration have completely changed the neurochemical template for the human race such that it would be as if you had landed on another planet? If you looked at one of their clocks, would you be able to tell the time? Would you be able to even see it? Or would it be so unthinkably strange to you, so radically alien that it would just bounce off your brain and refuse to go down as mere information?”
“Uh,” Jason trailed off. “I don’t know.”
“Neither do I,” said Blanche, sitting down on the floor at Aesc’s feet. “I’m human, so I’m… infected. We all are. That’s the point. What’s behind that curtain is literally impossible for you or I to think about in anything resembling detail.”
“But you must have seen it, Aesc, right?” Jason asked. “If you carried it and brought the thing here?”
“If I talked about this clock for even longer,” she smiled, “would it make any more sense?”
“Well…” Jason scratched his head, maybe just searching the dark wiry curls of his hair for something to hold on to. “Would it be, like, sexist if I asked if I could see it?”
They both laughed and stepped away, clearing the path for him and settling down to watch this.
Jason approached the textural red velvet and his hand shook as he felt around for the seam til he was on the other side of the thick warm column. He parted the curtain and before he saw it he felt another layer of curtain brush against his knuckles, felt the weight of the material cover him up to his shoulders like every time he’d wrestled the cover onto a duvet or something.
He stepped forward and let the curtains swallow him up. The museum’s smooth marble floor was newly cool with each step on the skin of his bare feet. He found this comforting, as no reassuring sound from outside could reach him here. There was light from outside shining through the fabric, but there was light shining through all the fabric, as if the layers and layers of heavy cloth were soft wedding veils against his cheeks when he pushed his nose through another fold; it had become too tiring to lift the velvet in front of him as pleasant as it was to the touch, so he started using his face and then he started using his shoulder to negotiate through the mass like he was in a crowded nightclub, like he was being pressed by sweaty bodies on all sides. He remembered nightclubs. He remembered the first time he held a stranger’s hand was in a club - he was lost and she was leading him through the hot tides of movement, out of the sweat and out to the smoking area whenever she needed to breathe or to the bar when she wanted him to take his first ever shot right there, right then, and twice. He was lost. There was a strange smell filling up his head and working its way through his chest and brain. He was lost, he felt, in the best possible way. As he raised his arms to lift another sheet he felt something bump into the back of his thigh, then it felt him and moved up the height of him and he could hear it urgently shifting everything around.
“Aesc?”
He felt smothered by touch, his ears were overpowered by actual silence. A warm hand slid into the opening between his thumb and forefinger and gently pulled him with some certainty.
“Blanche? Is that you?”
Red velvet lifted from his face and he took the moment to breathe and the air felt good as it entered his throat and warmed up in the soft pink harbour of his lungs, exciting something in the chambers of his trembling heart. He looked down and saw bejewelled fingers tighten around his hand, wondered at the black tesseractic runes tattooed between the woman’s knuckles, the black bell sleeve around her arm that vanished into the red fabric in front of him. He was wearing a fluffy white bathrobe, for fuck’s sake, was the last thing he was consciously conscious of, as the all-ensconsing veil got thinner and he heard joyful shrieking and smelled and tasted cool pine air and smoke.


* * *


There is a world where everybody wears two watches, one of which is wound arbitrarily far ahead of the other. When asked in a job interview where she sees herself in five years, an ambitious young businesswoman looks at her wrist and replies ‘going to bed’.


The binary clock only has two numbers, a 1 at the top and a 0 at the bottom, with a hand that snaps back and forth every second. Every eighteen months or so it ticks twice as fast.


The next one wasn't a clock at all but a thermometer. On closer inspection however, the numbers running down it weren't in Celsius or Fahrenheit, but in minutes and hours. On the planet Gessel - a noxious oven home only to human miners - the temperature rises and falls at precisely the same time every day, so accurately they can plan their day by it.
"See that only works because they know exactly how hot their planet's going to be at any given moment," said Lady Aesc. "Humans could've had that with Earth, but then you went and fucked it didn’t you?”


“Oh look! We’ve reached The Line.”
“What? Is it over?” Asked Jason.
“Oh no,” Aesc shook her head. She planted herself theatrically on Jason’s side of a line drawn in sharpie across the marble floor. “We’ve established that time and space are essentially the same thing, yes?”
“Yeah,” Jason nodded.
“Over here is the period of your life where you squished or flushed every bug you found in the house,” said Aesc, pointing at her wiggling toes. “And over here…” she hopped over. “Is the period of your life where you start scooping the little beasties up onto envelopes or tissues and escorting them to the garden. You only talk to them sometimes, but you always say hello.”
Jason inspected the wobbly penmanship. “Did you draw this line?”
“It’s a geological feature of temporality itself, I don’t make the rules,” she shook her head. “Sometimes a person just changes. Let’s keep going, then.”
“What if I don’t want to cross the line?” asked Jason.
“Time is all about limiting one’s options.”


* * *


For as long as you think about it, this clock does not tick. The original is unique, the only clock on its homeworld, and is believed to be the work of a blind watchmaking devil. It is protected by monks who meditate in shifts, and the religious keep the clock in their thoughts while going about their steady business. In the cities they recieve distractions from across the sea, and the irreligious have begun to even celebrate their birthdays.


* * *


The Office Clock. The clock on your desktop screen. The clock on your phone that you check, just in case. Those blessed by a nine-to-five will commonly report a sense of time slowing down between around 1pm and 4. This is not an illusion, but conspiracy and wage theft.
(In amongst the temp workers and the zero-hours, situationist stragglers from the failed Time Rebellion have come back to before the first clock-strikes - have come to light a match. Give them a minute, if you can.)


* * *


“In many cultures,” said Lady Aesc, “it’s thought that the gods weigh the contents of a life before they allow passage to the next world.” She arrived in front of a large set of golden scales. “This awful black cube is the amount of time the average person spends with their loved ones.”
“Oh,” said Jason.
“This awful black cube is the amount of time they spent at work.”
“Oh…” said Jason.


The sound of a pre-recorded studio audience turned Jason's head. Along the line of clocks was a sofa in front of a television, just like upstairs in the control tower. Aesc vaulted over and landed sitting down. Jason and Blanche both watched the screen over her shoulders.
A green blob was hoovering in a house with three walls. A door on the right-hand wall opened and an orange blob with a suitcase entered to applause. The orange blob then opened and let out a gargling noise.
The featureless green blob looked exasperated. It gargled back.
The orange blob looked straight at the camera and made a sad but violent sound, like hitting the surface of a bowl of custard with a hammer. The studio audience erupted with laughter, then applause at the character's signature catchphrase.
"What is this?" asked Jason.
“Obsulon Blom,” Blanche sighed. “It's a sitcom that's been running for four hundred years and gets less funny every season."
Jason watched for a few more moments in silence. "So how has it lasted four hundred years?"
"A weird tangle of legal issues. The studio made a typo in the contract, and now it has to be renewed every year or they have to pay the nameless, faceless actors what they’re really worth, and then the whole company goes under."
Lady Aesc was fully engrossed. “The decline in quality is linear, entropic, perfect. Like radioactive decay or carbon dating. You can set your watch against this shit. I love it.”


* * *


Jason felt a chill at the back of his neck. His eyes were drawn to a dark and narrow doorway where he heard a sound like rushing sand. Or maybe he just… felt like rushing sand. With Blanche and Aesc busy looking at a clock that measured time in the dreams of baby penguins, he slipped away.
The doorway led to a chamber filled with hourglasses. Shelves upon shelves of them. Jason looked closer. They all had names on them, and some had more time left than others. Then he noticed one that made his heart stop.
It was labelled 'Jason Jackson.'
Jason shut his eyes, trying not to think about what he'd seen. He peeped out from behind a hand. He still had plenty of sand left, but what was unmistakably the majority of it was already gone.
Then he flipped it upside down.
"Jason!?" shouted Lady Aesc.
"Be right there!" Jason replied. He began to hurry out. Then he stopped.
He walked backwards to his hourglass, then turned back to watch his sand flow in the opposite direction.
Slowly, he picked it up. He hesitated. Then he placed it down on its side.
The sand in the top half stayed in the top half, and the sand in the bottom half stayed in the bottom. His hourglass was at rest. After a long pause, Jason sighed with relief then returned to his friends, keeping his eyes firmly on the ground as he left.


The pentagonal clock of the Culinarium is based around the five daily meals, recommended to the people of Valisto Sett by the Interdimensional Chef’s Alliance. A hand points towards each of the day's five meals, in turn arranged along its five sides. In the native language of Valisto Sett, these are havvyer (post-wake), hev'noor (pre-work), hej'da'en (mid-meal), kasta'falsh'ed'nul (the closest translation for which is 'the gluttony zone'), and finally ''''''''''''''''d'''' (believed to be the Valistese teatime).


“They buggered up the clocks in Venice,” said Aesculapius, as she led them into the room with a whole clock tower on a lake. ‘This is a holographic clipping from the city in the early 21st century. Usually you can’t see it because the water’s too wobbly and it only affects old native clocks, but look.”
She pointed at the clock high above them, and then at the clock in the reflection quite far below. The clock above read eleven minutes past three, and the clock below read 9:41. “When they were building Venice, see,” Aesculapius explained, “they forgot to actually reflect the clock faces on the water and just rotated them, so if it’s 7:16 here it’s 4:44 over there, if it’s 6:45 in one Venice it’s 6:15 in another. The only thing the two Venices agree on are six o’ clock and twelve.”
“So I get the whole multiverse thing,” said Jason, “but are you saying that Earth has two Venices, built on either side of the same lagoon?”
“Earth has a lot of Venices,” Aesc smiled.
“Do they know about eachother?”
“It’s… tense, in twentysomethingteen,” she said, checking the informational plaque which was for some reason printed in both English and Scots Gaelic. “The sea levels are rising, and each Venice threatens to rush in and overwhelm the other with new words and new ways of living, but mostly they maintain their uneasy peace. We could go there and you could watch from across the canals where the streets border the surface of the water: the same merchant shouting over herself, two suntanned old men negotiating their bikes in the same parking spot, boats deploying two platoons of tourists on the same square, pairs of pasty British couples winching on canal steps, Italo Calvinos taking notes on their reflections.


"Is this a clock?" Jason approached a door standing in the middle of the room.
"Everything in here is," said Aesc, getting slowly more excited.
"How does it tell the time?"
Blanche sighed. "I don't know, how do you use any door?"
Jason walked all around it. A pale green door with twelve small glass windows, arranged three by four, stood upright in the room like it was for sale. He turned the handle and pushed it open.
"POOOOOOOUR ME SOMETHIN’ TALL AND STRONG, MAKE IT A HURRICANE BEFORE I GO INSANE. IT'S ONLY HALF PAST TWELVE, BUT I DON'T CARE-"
Jason slammed the door shut. "There’s a concert in there."
"Yes," said Lady Aesc.
"What is this?"
"It's the door Alan Jackson walks through that transports him to a Jimmy Buffett concert in the music video for his 2003 hit ‘It's Five O'Clock Somewhere’."
Jason paused, leaning his forehead on the side of the frame. "And that tells me the time because…?”
"Because it literally is five o'clock somewhere," Blanche finished.
"It's funny because it’s true," said Aesculapius. "Actually in a multiverse, everything is funny because everything is true…" Her eyes went blank and she seemed to get lost in her own mind for a second. "Anyway,” she shook herself awake. “Are you starting to understand time from a Firmament perspective? Everything and nothing are always never unhappening at no times, so just… pour yourself a Hurricane before you go insane, yeah?”


* * *


Jason’s arms trailed by his sides as they left the museum, returning to the vestibule with the stick in the mud. “What even is goin’ on with the stick?”
“See for yourself,” said Aesculapius.
Jason stepped over the little barrier with ‘STEP OVER ME!’ in its blocky stencil font, and ‘WALK ALL OVER ME!’ in ecstatic cursive. He puzzled over the stick and its shadow. “I’m sure this shadow was pointing a different direction the last time.”
“And what have we been doing between now and then?” Aesculapius asked, then she jumped over the threshold to join him and all her smug self-assuredness left her.
“We were in that museum,” said Jason. “Looking at your circles.”
“They’re not all circles!” she protested. “Some of them are squares, some of them are vegetables, some of them are really cool rocks.”
Blanche didn’t stop grinning as she cupped her hands to shout, “but what do they all have in common!?”
“A stick…” said Jason. “A stick is a kind of a vegetable, if you think about it.”
“Oh,” Aesculapius gasped, so softly. “I love watching your mind at work.”
Jason rested his puzzled face on his fist. “And there’s a circle drawn on the ground around the stick, and I suppose if you really… zoom out, mentally, the ground is kind of a rock.”
Aesc gritted her teeth as she stared inquisitively and directly into the sun.
“Don’t stare directly into the sun!” Blanche shouted.
She hid her eyes from the sun, and as she did she wondered if the shadow was hiding from the sun, too. “The shadow will always be hiding behind the stick,” she said.
“And as the sun…” Jason stopped himself, his mind racing. “…as the sun runs around, trying to catch the shadow, the shadow will move so it’s always on the other side of the stick.”
“Why would somebody build this awful thing?” Aesc whimpered. “Why would you make a shadow run in a circle forever?”
“Why would you curate a whole museum of circles?” Jason asked.
“They’re not! All! Circles!” She spat. “Some of them are triangles. Some of them are cannons. Some of them are sexy jars with no lids that someone managed to fill with sand, somehow.”
“But what do they all do!?” said Blanche. “What could you do with such devices?”
Aesculapius gripped her forehead and sighed furiously. “I don’t know. Jason?”
“You could…” He narrowed his eyes at the shadow, and imagined it moving around in a circle at exactly the same speed every day with perfect regularity, except when the sun got lower down in the sky and the shadow got longer as the days got shorter. “You could say, oh,” he grabbed a little pebble and placed it where the shadow met the circle. “When the shadow hits this pebble, somebody shout to make everyone stop what they’re doing and meet me at the campfire. You could put loads of pebbles around the circle, and every pebble would have a different meaning. You could coordinate loads of people that way, you could control people that way.”
“And the shadow only goes one way,” Aesc said, with some deep resignation. “So if you liked the last pebble better, you’re shit out of luck, b… buckaroo.”
“And if the pebbles were small enough you could put down as many as you wanted,” said Jason.
“And if you made the stick thin enough, you could tell the…” she paused, “…current pebble, with near-infinite accuracy. You’d look dead clever. I mean you’d be really, really respected. You could build a world off the back of that, you could build a universe.”
“And if one day you met someone with different sticks and different pebbles…” Jason said, eyes widening with horror.
“You’d just go gangster on them, wouldn’t you?” said Aesculapius, reclining on the sunlit mound. “You’d be like that, ‘aaahh!’, you’d be raging.”
“Wow.” Jason shook his head, just taking it all in.
Aesculapius sighed. “What pebble is it now?”
“I mean… that just sounds like a stupid question now, doesn’t it?”
Blanche rugby-tackled Jason so hard and fast that they both landed on the floor outside of the circle.
“OH MY GOD.” Jason screamed, with the terror felt by babies realising they’ve just been born.
“Now you get it!” Blanche exclaimed, dragging Aesculapius out by her ankles while the ancient time-traveller gripped onto blades of grass, clinging to the simpler world where clocks had yet to happen.


* * *


"And there you have it!" Lady Aesc threw open the doors of the main room and returned to the controls.
"There I have what?" asked Jason.
"Please don't make us do it all again," said Blanche, flopping back down on the sofa.
Lady Aesc danced up to Jason and put her arm around his shoulder. "What we’ve learned, Jason Jackson, is, why, time? Time………………………..time." She made a gesture as if to say 'and that's that'.
Jason slowly nodded. "Time."
"That's it!" Her attention was suddenly drawn away to one of the screens.
"Damn," said Blanche, watching credits scroll up the TV over an image of the river Thames. "We missed EastEnders."
Lady Aesculapius looked up and shrugged. “Why does that matter? You can just watch it anytime on iPlayer.”
Jason felt lost and wandered over to the window. He watched the sun vanishing behind a glass horizon, and at the precise moment that it did the little moon he stood on clicked into a perfect line with its host star and two planets. Four lightyears and a minute in front of him, some internal fuse ran out and a neutron star collapsed and shot out gamma rays forever in both directions. Some nearby planets might just pop immediately, and some wouldn’t see this twinkle for a billion years. Jason thought about how space obscured time, on a galactic scale, but then tried to think about it from another point of view. He thought about the arms of the galaxy, that only ever spun in one direction, and how most telescopes weren’t good enough to see the shadows that planets must cast: infinitely long spokes from the galaxy’s axial light. Time would appear to run faster near that centre, where the orbits of whole star systems could be dangerously short, compared to the stillness at the outer edges. He tried to imagine how this must all look from above the flat disc, the impressionist painting of star-stuff in purple and blue
Right now, in a city made of jelly, a membrane filled with complex proteins just saw the blob it’s going to marry one day. Some ancient ruin got swallowed by a tectonic abyss and a star just exploded into life on the fringe of a coral-reef nebula. More stars and planets than anyone knows about just aligned, secretly, according to logics that have yet to be discovered, and as the spinning solar wheels locked into a closed array of syzygetic constellations, Jason’s belly sounded one long vibratory note, and told him it was time for dinner.

NEXT TIME ON LADY AESCULAPIUS...

Episode 12: THE GREAT COSMIC BAKE-OFF, by James Wylder

“In baking, there is a right answer to get a desired effect. Baking makes sense, even when most things don’t.”
“Had no idea you were a cake philosopher.” 

Legends speak of an artifact from the days before time. A weapon able to unleash death, destruction, and delightful cupcakes.

The Quantum Whisk.

And when Jason and Blanche unearth it - they start a chain of events that will lead them to the greatest baking competition in the galaxy, and also, maybe, their greatest enemy …

Lady Aesculapius Series 1 is part of 10,000 Dawns, and is a publication of Arcbeatle Press.
Lady Aesculapius was created by James Wylder.
All original elements to this story are the property of the author.
All rights Reserved, Arcbeatle Press 2019.
Our cover art is by Anne-Laure Tuduri.

Any resemblance between persons living or dead, fictional characters, and real or fictional events is either co-incidental or has been done within the bounds of parody and/or satire.

You can learn more about 10,000 Dawns at http://www.jameswylder.com/10000-dawns1.html

If you need to catch up, you can find the previous episodes HERE.

If you want to listen to these stories, you can find links to our podcast version HERE, though note that it runs a little bit behind the text versions!
​

 "You smell that, Jason?" Lady Aesculapius asks as she steps off her Factory of Crystal, taking a big whiff. "Smells like capitalism!"
"What's capitalism even smell like?" Jason follows her and immediately trips over his own feet, and he scowls at the ground.
"Oh, you know." She waves her hand dismissively. "Greed, tortured souls, millions of voices crying out in terror and suddenly silenced, yadda yadda." Aesc crouches down, peering thoughtfully at the grass they’re standing on. Jason inspects it too. It's kind of parched and sad-looking. He sighs as Aesc suddenly scoops up a big clump of vegetation and dirt and shoves it her mouth, chewing. She's got a look on her face like she's a judge in a cooking competition. "Tastes like it too," she announces, spitting a blade of grass back out.
"Please don't do that," Jason says, pained. "That's how you get tetanus."
"Don't worry." Aesc stands back up. "I saw it in an old TV show once." She then proceeds to spit repeatedly, rubbing at her mouth with a yuck! noise. Jason just turns to survey their surroundings, ignoring the horking sounds coming from behind him. They're standing on top of a big grassy hill, and if he squints he can see a long, flat building off in the distance. There's a faint hum in the air, like the whine of a large insect.
Please don't let us have landed on a planet full of giant mosquitos, Jason thinks, fervently. "Where do you think we are?" He asks this bit out-loud, looking back over at Lady Aesculapius.
"Dunno." Aesc shrugs, tossing her shrunken ship up in the air and catching it easily. She stuffs it in her pocket. "Probably nowhere good, considering how we got yanked off course." Her face darkens. "Takes someone - or something - with a lot of moxie and elbow grease to do that." She points upwards. "See those?"
Jason follows her finger. "I don't see anything - oh, wait." He narrows his eyes, just barely able to make out the glint of something shiny and black high up in the sky. "Cameras?" He offers. "Flying ones? Could be drones."
"Drones in the sky." Aesc taps her chin, looking thoughtful. "Or it could just be a very tall ceiling. Can't rule that out."
"Right," Jason says, and at that moment someone clears their throat loudly behind them.
"Excuse me." A deep, very polite voice says. "But would you mind perhaps going back to your dressing rooms? We're trying to get a good establishing shot, and I'm afraid you're in the way."
Jason whirls around to see a morose-looking man holding a large boom microphone. Behind him he can see a crowd of very beautiful, very irritated looking people. "Oh, pardon us," Lady Aesc says apologetically. "We'll just mosey on over there now." She links her arms through Jason's and starts steering him towards the building he'd spotted earlier. "Have fun filming!" She yells back at the man at the top of her lungs, waving with her free arm excitedly.
"Ow." Jason waits until the ringing in his ear's stopped. "Do we even have dressing rooms?" He whispers to Aesc as they approach the building. It looks even dingier and more depressing up close, and Jason wonders if it's actually a dungeon or a torture chamber or something. God knows he'd been in enough of those to last him a lifetime.
"No idea!" Aesc says cheerfully. "Why don't we find out?" She parks Jason in front of an incredibly large and surly man standing in front of the door to the building. Jason swallows nervously and takes what he hopes is an imperceptible step backwards. "Hello!" She says, beaming at the man. "We're new here, and we'd like to get inside, thanks."
The man's eyes widen as he takes them in. "Yes, of course," he stammers, fumbling with something in his pocket. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we had new main characters arriving today."
"Didn't get the memo?" Aesc supplies helpfully, and the man shakes his head. "Isn't that always the way it goes?" She clicks her tongue. "You delegate things and then something gets lost along the way and then all of your chickens are out of their baskets."
"I don't think that's the right expression," Jason says, and Aesc stands on his foot. She keeps her charming smile trained on the man, who pulls two cards out of his pocket and hands them over before opening the door.
"Oh! A present, how exciting!" Aesc coos as she turns the card over, studying it. Jason looks at his too. It looks like an ID card, made out of something hard and shiny and vaguely holographic. His picture smiles out at him, the words JASON JACKSON: MAIN CHARACTER spelled out beside it. He blinks. Main character for what?
"What's this-" he starts, and Aesc nudges him with a warning look.
"C'mon, Jason. Let's get to our dressing rooms!" She grabs his hand and yanks him inside. "Oh, I bet they have cake, or, or a bowl of M&M'S®-" She stops short suddenly, and Jason bounces off her back.
"How'd you make that noise?", he asks, but Aesc doesn't seem to have heard the question. She's doing a slow 360, hands on her hips, taking in the interior of the building. Jason follows suite.
"Oh, it's bigger on the inside." Aesc claps her hands together. "My favorite."
Jason just nods, mouth hanging open. Sure, he's no stranger to 'it's-bigger-on-the-inside-than-the-outside', but this is in it's own damn ballpark. There's people, everywhere, producers with floppy hats and megaphones and gophers scurrying around with coffee and film equipment sticking every which way into the aisles, countless scenes being acted out over and over, sets and offices and prop storage rooms stacked on top of each other ad infinitum. Jason cranes his neck back as far as it'll go. The pandemonium continues up, up, 'till it blurs away into the twilight of distance. His first thought is it reminds him of the world's biggest game of Jenga®. His second is if there's a fire marshal in this place, they're going to be having a field day.
"This place is a mess," he starts. "I mean, seriously, what the fu-"
"No swearing allowed in the PG Zone," a prim and proper robotic women's voice floats through the air, deafening. The hubbub around them suddenly stops as everyone in the nearby vicinity turns to stare judgmentally at Jason. "Thank you, and have a good day at Station B9."
"Yeah, Jason, no swearing in the PG zone." Lady Aesc crosses her arms and frowns at him, then bursts out in a fit of giggles, nudging him in the ribs with her incredibly pointy elbows. "Your face! You - oh! Your ID card's changing."
Jason glances down at the card still clenched in his hand. His picture doesn't look quite so cheerful, and the text now reads JASON JACKSON: SIDE CHARACTER. "Did I just get demoted?" He asks, dismayed.
Aesc pats his cheek sympathetically. "Yep!" Her smile drops so suddenly it's like someone flipped a switch. "I think I know where we are," she says under her breath, leaning in. Not that she needed to bother, Jason thinks. Everyone's gotten over their 'let's-point-and-laugh-at-the-new-guy' moment, and the din is back to deafening levels. Jason opens his mouth to ask where, and she puts a finger on his lips, shaking her head warningly. "Not here. Too many ears." She dodges a gopher scurrying by, laden down with an impossible number of coffee cups. Jason blinks when he sees it's an actual gopher. Huh.
"Let's go check out those dressing rooms," Aesc practically shouts, reverting back into adventurer mode. She zips off into the hustle and bustle of the studio, and Jason has to book it to keep up with her.
"Aesc, slow down!" He protests, swerving to avoid a group of costumed actors crossing the aisle in front of him, ducking under a camera, and literally leaping over another gopher pushing a tray. Luckily it's, uh, gopher-sized. Haha. God, he's really starting to hate this place. Jason briefly considers swearing, but remembers his public humiliation five minutes ago and reconsiders it, opting to cuss up a storm in the safety of his head. "Sorry," he says to the gopher, which crosses its furry little arms in irritation. He slinks away awkwardly, forced to amble along at a snail's pace by the crush of the crowd.
"Oh, there you are." Aesc pops out of nowhere, munching on a carrot. "Thought I'd lost you for a sec."
Jason blinks. "Where'd you get that?"
"Oh, this?" Lady Aesculapius takes the half-eaten carrot out of her mouth and looks down at it. "Took it off a rabbit who would just not stop asking me how I was." She shrugs and takes a loud crunch. "Anyway, I found those rooms."
Jason's about to ask where they are when Aesc winks and him and holds out her hand, miming turning a doorknob. He's not entirely astonished when a door appears out of thin air, per se, but he is slightly bemused. Aesc ushers him through the door and shuts it behind them. They emerge in a long, long hallway full of closed doors, each with a shiny gold star tacked to the peeling wood. Jason gets the impression that this hallway goes on forever. At least it's quieter in here.
"Hmm, let's see." Aesc mumbles to herself, skipping down the hallway, stopping occasionally to tap a door with her carrot. "Nope! Not that one! Not that one either. Nope. Nada. Nah - oh!" She raps her knuckles against a particularly unimpressive looking door, grinning. "Found it!"
"You sure?" Jason eyes the door, eyebrow raised. "Looks kinda...seedy."
"Well, duh!" Aesc rolls her eyes like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "What else would you expect?" Jason doesn't really have an answer for that. She flings the door open dramatically and drops into a deep bow. "After you."
"Thanks," Jason says dryly, walking through the doorway and immediately bouncing off an invisible barrier. "Ouch!" He staggers back, clutching at his nose.
"Are you okay?" Aesc grabs his face and yanks his head down, which arguably hurts worse, peering worriedly at him.
" 'm fine," Jason mumbles through squished cheeks. Aesc sighs in relief and boops his nose.


"Good." She turns to the doorway with a frown, brows furrowed, hands on her hips. Jason recognizes it as her best 'take-me-to-your-fascist-dictator-so-I-can-browbeat-them-with-a-speech' look. "Excuse me!" She says, very loudly and sternly. "My friend here is a main character, no matter what you all decided to classify him as, so let him in!" Jason swears he hears the door whine. If it had a tail, it'd be between it's metaphorical legs. "That's better." She pats the doorframe and then bounds inside.
Jason follows after much more cautiously. He doesn't run into anything again, so Aesc's Mom Voice must've worked. It’s dark in here, and he blinks, waiting for his eyes to adjust. As far as dressing room's go, it's pretty shabby, Jason thinks. He’s slightly disappointed. There's a single metal folding chair parked next to a table with a bowl on it. Beside him, Aesc lights up and gallops over to it.
"Ooh, Skittles®!" She exclaims delightedly after the registered trademark sound fades away. Aesc hastily shoves the carrot into a pocket of her tweed coat and takes a big handful of the candy, shoving it into her mouth with abandon. "You want some?" She asks Jason, voice muffled.
"There any of the yellow ones?" He leans forward, peering into the bowl. "I like those."
"I'll take a look - hey." She pauses, frowning. "You hear that?"
Jason cocks his head to the side, straining to hear any noise. "No?" He offers tentatively after a few seconds.
"Hm." Aesc pops another piece of candy into her mouth. "Doesn't matter, I guess. It's just plot convenience."
"Plot what?" Jason asks confusedly as Aesc starts pushing him towards the door. He stumbles out into a dingy little room and does a double take. "Wait, where'd-" He takes a step back into the dressing room, pauses, then steps back out. "Wasn't there just a hallway here?" He whispers in Aesc's ear.
"We just did a scene cut," she whispers back to him. "Now shh! You're bruising the fourth wall."
Jason just hums and nods and decides not to question it. He can hear the faint sound of crying, now, and Aesc leans across him to flip on the light. It looks like they're standing in a janitor's closet, small and cramped and full of various cleaning tools. There's a bench tucked into the corner or the room, and there's a woman curled up on top of it, knees drawn to her chest and face pressed against them. She looks up when the light turns on, startled.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" She jumps to her feet, stammering. "I- I didn't see you there. Can I help you with anything?" She plays with the buttons on the front of her coveralls nervously. Jason thinks she's probably around the same age as him. She's got dark skin, just a shade lighter than Lady Aesc's original body, and dark hair, cropped short. She looks miserable.
"How about, what can we do to help you?" Aesc sits down on the bench and scoots over to the woman, tugging her back down. "I’m Lady Aesculapius, Adventurer Extraordinaire, and this is my companion, Jason Jackson.” She gestures at Jason and he waves. “What's your name?"
"Ezra," the woman begins, then claps her hands over her mouth, looking horrified. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't be speaking to you. It's not my place."
Jason and Aesc exchange glances. "That's nonsense!" Aesc exclaims heatedly. "Who told you that?"
Ezra just shakes her head. She picks up a mop and starts fiddling with it.
"Oh, c'mon," Aesc coaxes. She reaches into her coat pockets and starts rummaging around. "Would some carrot cake change your mind?" She asks, pulling out a plated slice and handing it over.
"Is that the same carrot-" Jason starts, and Aesc fixes him with her sternest look. He shuts up.
Ezra hesitantly takes the cake and then even more hesitantly takes the fork Aesc offers a few seconds later. It's covered in lint. "It's studio rules," she whispers, glancing around furtively. "Extras can't talk to main characters like you. And I'm not even an extra. Not anymore."
"Seriously?" Jason exclaims. "That's bull-"
"No swearing allowed in the PG Zone." The robotic woman's voice booms out again, shaking the walls of the closet and making the brooms and mops rattle. "Thank you, and have a good day at Station B9."
Jason glares at the ceiling. "Piss off," he says, or tries to say. It comes out as a series of bells and whistles instead. His hand goes to his throat. "Are they messing with my vocal chords?"
"Most likely," Aesc says, entirely too cheerfully for Jason's liking. "You've probably been demoted too, but I wouldn't check if I were you. You'd just get depressed." She turns back to Ezra. "Is that what happened to you?"
She just shakes her head and burst back into tears.
"Nice going," Jason mutters to a very alarmed looking Lady Aesculapius.
"No," Ezra finally hiccups out after Aesc has pulled about half a dozen blankets out of her pockets and draped them around the distraught woman. "I used to be a recurring character in one of the WC Teen Drama shows, over in the PG-13 Zone. I didn't have a lot of appearances, but I did get fanmail sometimes, which was nice." She sniffs and dabs her eye with the corner of a blanket. "I came here to visit my girlfriend because she's playing the princess in a new movie, and I thought-" Her face crinkles back up. "I know you're not supposed to have a non-heterosexual relationship outside of the R Zones, but it was just a kiss. I didn't think anyone would notice," Ezra wails, burying her face in her hands.
Aesc pats her back comfortingly, eyes flinty. Jason shivers a bit. He knows that look. "So they demoted you? To an extra?"
"Worse." Ezra sniffles a bit. "A janitor."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with that!" Aesc says brightly. "It's a perfectly respectable and highly esteemed position."
"I know, but not here." Ezra sighs and clutches the mop to her chest. "If you don't have entertainment value, you're nothing."
Lady Aesculapius' face hardens. "I see this place hasn't improved since the last time we were here." She turns to Jason. "Hey, remember when you were a rabbit?"
"I'd rather not think about it." He squints at her, puzzled. "What's that got to - oh." He says the word very slowly, drawing the vowel out as sudden realization dawns on him. A lightbulb appears above his head, blindingly bright. Jason just sighs and yanks on the lightbulb's chain, turning it off. "We're in the Dyson Sphere again? I thought we already took care of those guys!"
Aesc taps her chin thoughtfully. "I suspect it's changed hands. Management. Whatever. Whoever's in charge now, they've somehow managed to merge the old thought bubble-dimension with an actual, physical one, which is pretty impressive." She frowns and puts her hands on her hips. "If entirely unethical."
"Tell me about it," Jason says with a shudder. Thinking about the fact that he's back in the place where he'd been form-shifted against his will and repeatedly pulverized, pummeled, squashed and otherwise subjected to the cruelties life dolls out to a cartoon rabbit is making him sick to his stomach, so he's trying not to do that. It's not really working out that well. The memory of every single bone in his body snapping and then instantly being repaired comes rising up, unbidden, and Jason closes his eyes.
There's a gentle hand on his elbow and Aesc tugs him down. "Jason, sweetie. You're looking kinda sweaty." She's got this look in here eyes like she knows exactly what he’s thinking about, and not for the first time Jason wonders if she's a mind-reader. "You don't have to stay, you know," she tells him. "I know it was hard for you, last time we were here. You can hang out on the Factory. It's fine."
He takes a deep breath and straightens back up. "No, it's okay." Jason gives her a crooked grin. "I'm still in my original body this time around. Just plain old Jason Jackson, who's got opposable thumbs." He holds his hands up and wiggles his fingers, and Aesc laughs a bit. "Much more useful than fuzzy little rabbit paws."
"Aw, but not as cute." Her smile fades a bit as she looks at him. "But, seriously, if you change your mind, let me know."
"Aye aye, captain," Jason says, giving her a snappy salute.
She turns back to Ezra, who's looking completely lost. "Ezra, how did you get here?"
"Oh, well," Ezra starts, taking a quick, nervous glance around. "Mr. Barnum owns station B9, you know. And I don't know how, but he invented a device that lets him look into other dimensions."
"Maybe he bought it," Jason suggests.
"Probably he stole it," Aesc snorts. She flaps a hand at Ezra. "Sorry, go on."
"Anyway, if he sees someone he thinks looks interesting, he basically, um? Takes you out of your universe and brings you here," Ezra concludes, sighing heavily. "I used to be a deep-space miner in my original universe."
"So, kidnapping." Aesc states, flatly. "What if you don't want to be here? What if you want to go back home?"
"You have to pay for a ticket." Ezra's mouth twists to the side and she starts plucking at the mop strands. "I was saving up, back before I met Gabriele. She's from a different dimension, and if I left I'd never see her again. I mean, I'd probably see the Gabriele in my dimension, but she wouldn't be the same, you know?" She shrugs and sighs again. "It's complicated."
Aesc discretely wipes a tear from her eye and pulls a pen and pad of paper out of her coat, scribbling something down on it. "Let's add extortion to Barnum's list of crimes," she tells Jason. "Oh, and maybe murder." She writes another word. "I have a feeling an underling is going to come bursting in here any minute and try and drag us to their boss, because this guy is a total despot-"
She cuts off as a door on the other side of the closet creaks open and three very large, very muscular men in black suits and sunglasses enter. Jason points at them. "Was that door there before?"
"Never mind that!" Aesc sounds scandalized. "Where's the class? Where's the pizazz? FBI-agent-lookalikes, really? That's so twenty-first century." She rolls her eyes. "I expected better of someone named Barnum."
"Mr. Barnum would like you to come with us, please," one of the men says in a surprisingly polite and melodic voice.
"Nah, I don't think so. We'll find our own way there." Aesc jumps to her feet and starts patting down her coat pockets, growing increasingly frantic. "My Factory!" She gasps about three minutes of impromptu dance movements later, all watched in complete silence by the rest of the closet's occupants. "It's gone!"
Jason does his best to look at both her and the goons at the same time. It just makes his eyes hurt, so he gives up and focuses on Aesc. "Gone? How? Did you lose it?"
"No." Her face is pinched up in fury. "Someone's been messing with the script." Aesc shakes her fist at the ceiling. "Don't you know it's not polite to rifle through a woman's pockets?" She yells to no one in particular.
"But...you're not a woman?" Jason points out, and she scowls at him.
"It's the principle of the thing, Jason! It's rude!" Aesc whirls around and faces the three men. "Well, thank you very much for the offer, we really appreciate it, but I'm afraid we've gotta jet." She whirls back around. "Run!" Aesc shouts, grabbing Jason and Ezra by their wrists and bodily hauling them out a third door that's just appeared from nowhere.
They emerge in another long, poorly lit corridor, doors running the length of both walls as far as Jason can see. "Is this the same hallway we were in earlier?" He puffs, trying to keep up with Aesc's breakneck speed.
"Oh, I don't know," she says back, a bit crossly. "They all look the same." A junction yawns up out of nowhere, and Aesc takes a sharp left. Jason bounces off the corner and grumbles to himself, a series of high-pitched sliding whistles under his breath. God, he can't wait until he can swear for real again.
"If we start doing a Scooby Doo chase I'm out for real," Jason states grimly, and Aesc snorts back a laugh.
"I'll try to avoid it." She casts a calculating glance over her shoulder. Jason can hear the heavy pounding of footsteps behind him, and he risks a peek himself. Christ, those goons can really run. Jason wonders if there's some sort of speed requirement for underlings.
"Not to worry you, but, uh," he starts nervously, "I think our friends back there are catching up."
"I noticed." Aesc twists around another corner and Ezra lets out a squeak as Jason careens into her. He mumbles an apology, daring another backwards look. The men are rapidly gaining ground, and they do not look happy. "Oh!" Aesc exclaims suddenly, voice delighted. "That door looks promising."
Jason turns around to see a single, very ominous door at the end of the hallway. There's a bare lightbulb set in the ceiling above it, flickering wildly, and caution tape covers most of the surface of the door.
"No!" Ezra shrieks as Aesc rips the door open. "It's under construction! It's bricked up! It's-" She breaks off in confusion when Aesc shoves them through the door and slams it shut behind them. They're standing in a dark, slightly musty smelling tunnel. Jason feels something crawl over his foot and he shudders.
Lady Aesculapius winks at them. "Check this out." She points at the door and Jason watches in horror as the knob starts turning. There's a ungodly squealing sound as the door opens, followed by three heavy thunks as the goons run directly into the brick wall that's appeared out of nowhere.
"How did you...?" Ezra's staring at Aesc in open-mouthed amazement.
"Ezra." Aesc puts a hand on her shoulder. "Ezra." She puts her other hand on her other shoulder. "Ezra." Jason intervenes before she can start getting feet involved in this. "Rule of funny." Aesc says, releasing the young woman and booping her on the end of her nose with another wink. She turns to Jason and slaps him on the shoulder. "We're being pursued by mooks! Isn't that exciting?"
"No," Ezra and Jason say at the same time.
Aesc just frowns at them and sticks her tongue out. "Buzzkills, the lot of you." She nonchalantly leans back against the brick wall and pulls a beat-up pocket watch out of her coat, flipping opening the lid and peering at it in the dim light. Something about it obviously displeases her, and she shakes her head, pursing her lips. Jason watches her go through the same routine five more times with a series of increasingly outlandish timepieces.
"Ah, just as I thought!" Aesc exclaims finally, chucking an hourglass at Jason. He scrabbles for it and misses. "It's time we were going. Aw, Jason!" She looks down at the shattered hourglass and kicks at a pile of sand. "That was my favorite one."
"Well, maybe give me a heads up night time you're about to start throwing breakable objects around!" Jason splutters, indignant.
"Fair point." She shrugs and then puts a hand on both of their backs, gently propelling them down the corridor. "I think we should go and have a chat with Mr. Barnum, don't you?" Ezra shakes her head, looking terrified. "Oh, there's nothing to worry about, Ezra," Aesc says cheerfully. "You'll see. Me and Jason depose tyrants and expose unscrupulous CEOs all the time, don't we, Jace?"
"It is kind of our line of business," Jason agrees. He grimaces as he steps in a puddle, sock getting completely soaked. Oh, that's just the cherry on top of this whole situation. He stops short suddenly and Lady Aesculapius bounces off him. "Hey, did you hear that?"
She cocks her head to the side, listening. "No, I don't- oh, there it is." There's a rumbling further back in the corridor, coming from the direction they came. Aesc, Jason, and Ezra all exchange a look. "That's probably not a good sign."
"Wanna bet?" Jason blinks as a cloud of dust rains down from the ceiling, shaken loose by whatever's heading their way. "Maybe we should pick up the pace." He can feel vibrations going up his legs now, and he gets the feeling if they stay here too long they'll all be shaken to bits.
"I've got a better idea." Aesc points at the section of the corridor behind them, and Jason watches incredulously as the walls slowly begin to slide together. "Let's run!" She yells, whirling back around and booking it. Jason and Ezra follow hot on her heels.
"This is ridiculous!" Jason complains around the stitch in his side, huffing and puffing. "This is such a cliché. I can't even be mad about it." He chances a quick look over his shoulder. The walls are moving even faster now, and he gulps, envisioning being squashed between them like a bug. Okay, maybe he can be a little mad.
They come to a fork in the corridor. "This way!" Jason yells, darting to the left, at the same time Aesc shouts "this way!" and goes right. He pounds down his chosen route, alone, and realizes he's made the wrong choice when a section of the floor disappears underneath him, sending him plunging down into darkness.
"Jason! No!" He hears Lady Aesc wailing distantly. "You split up! You're not supposed to do thaaaaaaat-" Her voice cuts off, and Jason resigns himself to a long, long fall.
It ends much sooner than anticipated. He emerges somewhere brightly lit - a quick, frantic look around tells him he's outside, somehow - and ricochets off a safety net held by a group of people dressed up as firefighters. They give him pleasant, polite waves as he's flung back into the sky. Jason gives them a very hesitant wave back before they twinkle away, out of sight.
He ascends a lot longer than he fell. Jason's pretty sure he's outside the same building they'd entered, but every time he passes a floor another one builds itself rapidly, tiny construction workers moving like they've been fast-forwarded. Is he stuck in some sort of reverse Alice in Wonderland thing? Is he just gonna keep flying up forever?
Well, Jason thinks, looking down at the now very distant ground, at least he's not scared of heights.
He's just about to start contemplating the smartness of taking a snooze mid-air when he comes face to face with a man floating by, holding onto an umbrella. "Uh," Jason starts, completely unprepared for this. "Hello?"
The man with the umbrella scowls at him and sticks his free hand out. "Permit?"
"Pardon?"
"Permit?"
Jason blinks at him. "I haven't got one?"
"No permit?" The man squawks, outraged. "This is restricted airspace! You'll be fined for this, mark my words!”
"Look," Jason snaps, entirely fed-up with this whole pocket dimension or whatever the f@#$ it is. "I don't exactly want to be hanging out mid-air, you know!" And I can't even swear in the privacy of my own head, he thinks savagely.
The man's frown gets even deeper. He folds up the umbrella, and Jason instinctively makes a grab for him, expecting him to plummet to his death. He doesn't. What he does do is rear back and proceed to hit Jason in the side with the umbrella, hard, like he's training to be the next baseball champion of Mars.
Jason goes through every minced oath he can think of as he tumbles head-over-heels towards the building. "I hate this place!" He yells at the umbrella man, directly before he's deposited face-first onto the roof. Jason lies there for a moment, wallowing. Stupid rule of funny.
There's a loud banging noise and Jason cautiously raises his head, spitting out a piece of gravel. The rooftop's artfully landscaped, all carefully manicured trees and prim flower beds. There's a multi-level penthouse in the middle of it, made entirely out of glass that Jason still can't see through. Scrolling letters on the side of the suite helpfully inform him he's not prestigious enough for that.
There's a woman standing in front of the penthouse, beating on the door with the pommel of her comically oversized broadsword. She's wearing a flouncy dress, pale blonde hair that's almost the same color as her skin arranged into an elaborate up-do. "Let me in, Barnum!" The woman yells, punctuating her words with solid thwacks of the sword. "I know you're in there!"
Jason struggles to his feet, gravel crunching beneath him. The woman whirls around, pointing the sword at him. "Let me guess," Jason says dryly, holding his hands up. "You're Gabriele?"
She eyes him warily. "Do I know you?"
"Nah." Jason dusts off his pants. "But I just ran into Ezra so, y'know, I figured it'd be the perfect contrived coincidence if you happened to be the girlfriend she was talking about."
"You know Ezra?" The woman's face lights up. "Oh my God! How is she? I haven't seen her since those men in suits dragged her away from my set." She gestures at the penthouse with the sword. "That's why I'm here, actually."
"You're going to storm the house-slash-office of the CEO-slash-despot of an entire bubble universe all by yourself?" Jason asks, more than a bit dubiously. A sudden thought comes to him. "Why isn't there security up here?"
"Well, there was." Gabriele shrugs. "I took care of them." There's a low groan by Jason's feet, and he looks down to see a hand sticking out from under a bush. "And I'm not by myself." She hefts the sword over her shoulder. "They gave me temporary access to lower-level mind control for the role I'm playing, so if I sing, animals will come flocking to me." Gabriele opens her mouth as if to demonstrate.
"No, I'm good, I get it," Jason cuts in hastily before they can get swarmed by a horde of chipmunks or rats or whatever. "I believe you. So." He puts his hands on his hips and kicks at a rock idly. "What's the plan?"
Gabriele stares at him. "You're going to help me? Really? I don't even know your name."
"It's Jason. Jason Jackson-" he digs his ID card out of his pocket and squints at it with a scowl "-extra." Looks like he got demoted again. "It's not like there's much else for me to do," Jason adds, "so I might as well. Plus, it's kinda my thing. Uh, our thing. My friends and I sort of travel around helping out people, I guess."
Gabriele beams and a chorus of angels starts singing. Jason half-twists around, glancing around the roof, but there's nobody there. Well, she's playing a princess, Jason reasons. Figures she'd have her own in-built sound effects. "Thanks. I've been trying to beat this door down for the past hour, but it's a lot sturdier than it looks." She lightly pokes the door with her finger and it falls off its hinges, inwards, sending up a puff of dust as it lands with a solid thump.
Jason and Gabriele blink at each other.
"Rule of funny?" He offers, lamely.
"I'll take it." Gabriele hikes up her dress and runs into the penthouse shrieking at the top of her lungs, sword held aloft. Jason follows, much less impressively. "Barnum!" She bellows, charging up an incredibly fancy flight of stairs, "I'm coming for you!"
"Hey, what do you wanna bet someone's gonna pull a level and these stairs will turn into a slide?" Jason puffs, jogging after her. He eyes the stairs beneath his feet as he speaks, but they seem to be holding out. For now.
She shoots him a brief glare. "Don't give him any ideas. He already steals enough. Then he copyrights them so nobody else can use them, even though they weren't originally his in the first place."
"Sounds like you got some real issues with this guy." God, he's got a side stitch now. How long does this staircase last?
"You could say that," Gabriele agrees dryly. The stairs level out into a landing, with another staircase on each side. "Darn. Which way?"
"There." Jason points to a lone doorway that's sitting in the middle of the landing, unsupported by anything. It's crisscrossed with caution tape, and there's a large UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign tacked to it. Jason sprints pell-mell at it, ignoring Gabriele's protests. Hey, if it worked for Aesc, it'll work for him, right? He grabs the doorknob, yanks it open, and-
And that's how Jason Jackson finds himself running full-speed into a brick wall, face-first. "Oh, that's not fair," he says woozily as he slides to the ground and loses consciousness.
He wakes back up very, very slowly. There's an aching pound in his head. Jason's more or less used to that from all of his escapades with Lady Aesculapius. He seems to be tied to a chair, which is also something he's used to. What he's not used to is being tied to a chair in the middle of what looks like a giant circus tent. "Uh," Jason says eloquently, rubbernecking.
Lady Aesc is sitting on a chair next to him, similarly trussed up. "Jason!" She exclaims excitedly, her voice sending a spike of pain through his skull. "You're awake! I've been waiting for you to show up for ages now." She wiggles out of the ropes holding her to the chair and pulls a peanut out of her coat pocket. "Here, have a snack."
"No, I'm good-" Jason starts, but Aesc shoves the whole peanut into his mouth anyway, shell and all. He promptly spits it back out.
"Ma'am, please stop doing that." One of the black-suited, sunglassioed mooks from earlier ties her back up. "That's the fourth time so far."
"Sorry." Aesc shrugs, not seeming particularly bothered by the whole situation. "I get bored easily." She leans over to Jason. "I think we're going to be treated to Mr. Barnum's grand entrance pretty soon," she whispers conspiratorially into his ear. Aesc sits back, a content smile on her face. "I do love a good show."
Jason stares at the tent entrance, waiting for a trumpet fanfare or an explosion of confetti or something. He's vaguely disappointed when none of that happens and a man simply walks in. "Impressive," he deadpans.
"Really?" Aesc shouts at him, slipping free of the ropes once more and crossing her arms. The mook guarding her just sighs and reties her. "Your name is Barnum, for heck's sake! Put some effort in!" She points at the surrounding circus tent with her foot. "I mean, why even bring us here if you're not going to follow up on the theme?"
"Sorry about that." The man stops in front of them. He looks, well - bland. Nondescript, average, ordinary, as if the soullessness of crushing capitalism had suddenly gained sentient form, yadda yadda. Even his clothes are boring. "This was the only set not being used at the moment." He reaches out and shakes Aesc's foot. "J.P. Barnum, at your service. No relation," he adds, winking broadly.
"Relation to who?" Jason blinks back at him, confused. He tries his hand at escaping from the chair, but all that gets him is rope burns on his wrists, so he gives up.
"Never mind that." Aesc fixes Barnum with her firmest glare. "Where's Ezra?"
"And Gabriele?" Jason adds, after a quick look around confirms neither of the two women are in the tent.
"Oh, did you meet her?" Aesc grins at him excitedly before switching back to a frown. "If you've hurt them..." She trails off, leaving the threat unspoken and hanging heavily in the air.
"Oh, relax." Barnum waves a dismissive hand. "I don't have time to waste on little people like them. They're fine. Probably bored out of their skulls in Human Resources filling out all that paperwork, but they're unharmed."
Lady Aesc frowns at him. "Paperwork for what?"
"Think about it." Barnum raises his hands, spreading his fingers. "It's called Human Resources for a reason. The props people are always complaining they don't have enough materials."
There's a very long silence. "Oh," Jason squeaks out finally, grateful he doesn't have a lunch to lose.
"You said they'd be fine!" Aesc snaps at him, face darkening.
"I said they are fine. For now. I didn't say anything about the future." Barnum snaps his fingers and points at her. "It's just how it works in the show business, baby."
"Okay, that tears it!" Lady Aesculapius jumps to her feet, ropes fluttering down around her to the floor. Jason notices her assigned mook doesn't even bother to retie her this time. "I've had enough of you and your stupid little phantasmagoric knock-off Disn-" She makes a choking noise and glares at Barnum. "Did you just turn off verbal access to trademarks?" Aesc asks sourly, massaging her throat.
"Yep." Barnum watches as Aesc bears down on him, seemingly unruffled. "You should be a bit more polite, you know," he adds. "You're a guest here."
"Guest, my a-" Lady Aesc snarls, a cuckoo whistle replacing half her words.
"No swearing allowed in the PG Zone," booms the robotic voice. "Thank you, and have a good day at Station B9."
"Oh, stuff it," Aesc says crossly. She folds her arms at narrows her eyes at Barnum, tapping her foot. "You kidnapped us. We're hardly guests."
"I can't deny it." Barnum shrugs again and pulls a small white ball out of his pocket, tossing it up in the air and catching it easily. Jason's eyes widen. The Factory! "I saw you passing by and I just had to have you." He eyes Jason briefly. "You were a freebie. Good thing, because I wouldn't have paid full price for you."
"Gee, thanks," Jason says flatly from where he's still tied to the chair.
"And I had to have this!" Barnum tosses the Factory again. Aesc makes a grab for it and he yanks it back with a tut. "Uh-uh! This is mine."
"You stole it," Aesc points out, sourly. "That doesn't make it yours."
"Listen, I make the rules here. I make the reality." Barnum snaps his fingers and Aesc is suddenly sitting back on her chair, bound hand and foot. "Whatever I say is law." He puts the Factory on the ground and places his foot on top of it, rolling it around a bit. Aesc gasps, scandalized. "I brought you here and let you run around like fools just to see what would happen, and guess what?"
"I'm not really in the mood for playing twenty questions," Jason says plaintively.
Barnum ignores him. "Ratings went up a whole 2.7 percent! How great is that?" He stops rolling the Factory. "And this marvelous little spaceship! The technology I'm using right now to capture stars is just so tedious. But this...what do you call it?"
"Actoryfay ofway Ystalcray," Aesc replies primly.
"Factory of Crystal? Hmm, very interesting."
"Aw, he knows Pig Latin," Aesc says dejectedly. "Darn."
Barnum scoops the Factory back up. "You know, ever since I bought out this bubble universe from Dyson, I've been looking for the next big thing. Dyson had some pretty good ideas, but I knew I could do better."
"Humble," Jason heckles.
"Shut up." Barnum frowns at him and Jason suddenly finds his lips sealed together. "So I obtained some technology from these Kezarian smugglers from the so-called ‘Utopia Dimension’ who'd hopped here from three realities over," he continues, conversationally. "Now I can look into other dimensions, and if I see someone who looks interesting, I bring them here and make them a star."
"What you're doing," Aesc says with exaggerated patience, "is weakening the fabric of reality in those dimensions. They're already under enough strain! You know how many universes have been deleted so far? Everything could implode!"
"I don't care." Barnum says it so simply that Lady Aesc jerks back like she's been stung. "I only care about the ratings, and the money."
Jason tries to say "at least he's honest," but all that comes out is an incomprehensible mumble.
"The Utopia Dimension could come for this universe someday." She stares Barnum down. "Then what?"
"Oh, I don't know." Barnum strokes his chin. "I was thinking I'd just keep moving it around until there's only one reality left, then merge this bubble with the larger dimension."
Lady Aesc throws her head back and laughs uproariously. It goes on for several minutes, and Barnum looks increasingly annoyed. "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!" She gasps out eventually, tears streaming down her face. "And I've heard some real corkers! I'm definitely not sticking around to see that blow up in your face."
"You're not leaving. If you won't cooperate willingly..." He pulls a thin metal rod out of his pocket and lays it across the palm of his other hand.
"Oh, no!" Aesc shrieks. "No, not the mind probe! Please, anything but that!" Jason turns around to look at her incredulously. Surely Aesc can't be begging? She just gives him a huge grin and a big saucy wink in return. She's untied herself again and is holding a piece of paper. "What do you think?" She asks Barnum, waving the paper around. "I mean, the script's pretty weak, but really, it's all in the delivery, isn't it?"
"Give me that." Barnum makes to snatch the paper from her hands.
"Uh-uh." Aesc pulls it back, echoing his words from earlier. "Just let me change one thing." She pulls a pen out of her pocket and scribbles something down on the paper. "There we go." She hands it over to Barnum, who takes it with a scowl.
There's a sudden blinding flash of light, and Jason screws his eyes up, looking away. There's a nasty cracking sort of noise, which sounds distinctly like the butt of a laser pistol being smashed into someone's head, and a cry of pain followed by a heavy thump. The light fades away and Jason cautiously opens one eye.
Blanche Combine is in front of them, standing over Barnum's limp form. She has one pistol trained on him and another pointed directly at Aesc. "You!" She spits out, obviously irritated. "I told you not to leave the Factory until I was done running security checks and what do you do? Leave anyway and get yourself into this mess!"
"Sorry?" Aesc stands up and dusts off her hands. "I got bored."
"Where have you been?" Jason asks, relieved to find that he can speak again."
"I got stuck in there." Blanche nudges the Factory, which had rolled out of Barnum's hand, with her foot. "I couldn't activate the doors until a few moments ago."
"That's because I changed the script." Aesc grins from ear to ear. "I gave us a Blanche ex machina! Get it? Like a deus..." She trails off, grin fading as Blanche stares at her with a stony expression. "Thanks for the save." She claps her hand on Blanche's shoulder, ignoring her scowl.
"Yeah, thanks for the rescue and everything" Jason calls, “but can someone please untie me?"
"Oops." Aesc snaps her fingers and the ropes around Jason crumble into dust. "Sorry about that." She turns back to Barnum and inspects his unmoving body with a frown, hands on her hips.
Jason cautiously approaches and peers over her shoulder. "Is he dead?" There's a nasty looking puddle of blood forming under the man's head.
"I didn't hit him hard enough for that," Blanche says in irritation, re-holstering her pistols. "He's just unconscious."
Aesc crouches down and holds her ear to Barnum's face. She cocks her head to side and reaches out, putting two fingers on his neck. "He's got a pulse," she asserts, standing up. "Now, hmm." She taps her chin thoughtfully. "What should we do with him?" She scoops up the Factory and cradles it to her chest lovingly. "There, there," Aesc croons to the ship, "don't worry, Mama's back."
Jason and Blanche exchange a tired look. Aesc notices it and sticks her tongue out at them. She taps a section of the Factory and the ship expands in a flash of light. Jason's relieved to find they're back in the control room, and he makes a beeline for one of the overstuffed armchairs Aesc had picked up in a flea market on some backwater world a while back. It looks awful and smells even worse, but by God if it isn't the most comfortable thing he's ever sat in.
Lady Aesculapius makes a disgusted noise as Barnum continues to bleed all over her polished crystal floors. "No, no, no, no!" She wails, clutching at her face. "I just mopped!"
"If by just you mean two months ago, sure," Jason calls from his position on the arm chair. She just tsk’s at him and turns to Blanche.
"Blanche, could you be a dear and take our 'guest'," the word's dripping with so much sarcasm that Jason's surprised the room doesn't flood, "to the infirmary so he'll stop making a mess? Then you can lock him in the broom closet or something for all I care. Jason and I have work to do."
Blanche sighs and rolls her eyes. "Fine. But you're not leaving without a weapon this time."
"You know I don't do that sort of thing." Aesc frowns at her.
"Too bad. Here," she calls, unstrapping one of her holsters and tossing it, pistol and all, at Jason. "Catch."
Jason fumbles for it, just barely catching the holster by the end of its strap. "You did turn this off before you threw it, right?"
"No, I thought I'd let it blow your head off," Blanche replies dryly. She stoops down and picks up Barnum, flinging across her shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Set it on stun if you want."
Aesc reaches over and closes her hand around the pistol. "Thank you, Blanche, but we don't need it."
"Just take the damn thing!" Blanche scowls at her.
"Woah, can we swear again?" Jason blurts out, completely failing to read the mood. Blanche and Lady Aesculapius both look at him. He shrinks back into the chair, face flushing. "I was just pointing it out." Aesc sighs and pats him on the head.
There's another flash of light, and then they're standing under the circus tent again. Jason looks down to see the blaster's disappeared from his hands. He glances over at Aesc, and she gives him a wink.
She strides over the the group of underlings, busy milling around with confused looks on their faces. "You there!" She booms, pointing at the closet one. "Do you want to quit your job?"
The mook gapes at her. "...yes?" He says after a while, hesitantly. Then he nods his head with more force. "Yes!"
"What about you?" She swings her finger around to point at the rest of the group. They all enthusiastically agree. "Excellent." Aesc holds the Factory up to her face. "Hey, Blanche! We're going to be getting a lot of guests onboard, so please make sure they're all comfortable." Then she lifts the ship and the mooks disappear in a flash of light.
"So," Jason starts, catching on to her plan, "we're gonna go run around sucking up every single person here onto the Factory? Why?"
"Because they don't belong here, Jason." Aesc gives him a stern look. "Also because, according to my calculations," she pulls a large sundial out of her coat and looks at it, "this place is going to start falling apart any minute now." She sidesteps as a pole supporting the tent comes crashing down next to her, shaking the ground. Jason yelps and jumps backwards. Aesc looks at the pole, nonplussed. "Called it." She chucks the sundial over her shoulder.
"What's going on?" Jason eyes the roof of the tent nervously, ready to make a run for it if anything else starts collapsing.
"Barnum's not hooked into the bubble universe anymore. It's controlled by thought, remember?" Aesc puts her hands on her hips and says, in a mocking impersonation of Barnum's voice, "'I make the rules here. I make the reality.' Typical CEO." She stuffs the Factory back into her pocket. "Listen, we've got to grab as many people as we can before this place shrinks back down to its original size." Aesc pauses, pursing her lips. "Which is probably very small."
"Can't we just- woah!" Jason dives to the side as a herd of gaudily garbed zebras come trampling by him, braying frantically. Aesc pulls the Factory back out and points it at them. "Can't we just like, shut the universe down or whatever?" He asks into the resulting silence. "There's gotta be a failsafe or something!"
Her face lights up. "Ooh, great idea!" Aesc slaps him on the back. "Keep an eye out for any levers of big red buttons. I really hope it's a button. I love pushing buttons. Especially if they say 'Do Not Push'-" She shakes her head, breaking out of her rambles, and takes off running out the circus tent.
"Woah, wait up!" Jason blurts, jogging after her.
They emerge into a large room packed full of desks, extending as far as the eye can see. Probably some sort of office, Jason thinks. At one point it must've been full of the sound of typewriters clacking, given that there's one on every desk, but at the moment it's been replaced with the sound of people screaming and running around in panic as the ground shakes underneath them.
"Excuse me!" Aesc says loudly, dodging a man running by her, wearing a truly ludicrous hat. She hops up on a desk and proceeds to jump from one to the next, slipping and sliding on piles of paperwork. Jason just sighs and follows suit. Guess they're playing The Floor Is Lava.
He pauses for a brief moment to inspect one of the typewriters. He's never actually seen one in person before, and it's kinda neat. Jason crouches and pokes at the keys a few times, chuckling to himself.
"Jason!" Aesc admonishes from a good dozen desks ahead. "This is no time to be playing around! It's a matter of life and death!"
"Sorry." Jason straightens up hastily and catches up to her. "So, what're we doing?" He has to raise his voice to be heard amongst all the pandemonium.
"I'm guessing this is HR." Aesc puts her hands on her hips and starts scanning the room. "Keep an eye out for our two lovebirds, will you? I want to make sure they're okay."
"I'm sure it won't be too hard to miss a woman with a giant sword," Jason says dryly. A particularly violent tremor shakes the floor and he yelps, toppling backwards off the desk. He lands with an oof and a groan, winded. He turns his head to the side and finds himself looking into the eyes of a very familiar person hiding under the desk. "Ezra!" Jason exclaims. "Where's Gabriele?"
"We got separated when this place started going haywire." Ezra crawls out from under the desk, face pale and tight. "What's going on?"
"Ezra!" Lady Aesculapius jumps down and grabs her hand, shaking it enthusiastically. "Glad to see all your internal organs are still in one place!" She pauses, then frowns. "You didn't sign any of this paperwork, did you?"
"Uh-uh." She shakes her head. "After you got captured, some of the guards dragged me here and I ended up at the same desk as Gabby. I told the guards we couldn't sign anything until we read all the fine print. I'm a very thorough reader," she adds proudly.
"And that's a great thing to be. Now let's-" Aesc cuts off as someone runs by her, waving their arms frantically. She heaves a sigh. "Just give me a moment." There's another flash of the light and the room is suddenly, deafeningly quiet. It's almost eerie, the three of them being alone in the endless maze of desks. "That's better. Now let's go find your girlfriend and the big red button."
"The what?" Ezra furrows her brows, confused.
Jason cocks his head to the side suddenly, holding up a finger. "Hey, do you hear that?" He slowly lowers his hand, narrowing his eyes. "Sounds like someone...singing?"
Ezra's eyes light up. "Gabby!" She blurts, darting in the direction of the singing. Jason and Aesc just look at each other and shrug before following.
They catch up to her just in time to see Gabriele, surrounded by a veritable horde of mice and birds, drop her sword and dip Ezra into a deep kiss. "Aww!" Aesc coos, pressing her hands to her face. "How sweet!"
"There you are!" Gabriele gasps when she and Ezra come up for air, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's waist. "I lost you in the crowd and I was so worried! I - Jason!" She interrupts herself, catching sight of him and Aesc. "You're okay! I thought you might've killed yourself running into that wall like that! Then those goons showed up out of nowhere and took you away and carried me here!"
Jason feels his ears start burning as Aesc turns to look at him. "You knocked yourself unconscious by running into a wall?" She sounds like she's barely holding back laughter.
"Yeah, well - it worked for you!" He blusters, crossing his arms with a huff.
Lady Aesculapius pats his cheek. "Oh, sweetie." She turns back to Ezra and Gabriele. "Have either of you seen a big red button by any chance? We're trying to stop this place from collapsing in on itself." Her statement's punctuated by the floor groaning and bucking beneath their feet. They all make a wild grab for each other and the surrounding desks, trying to stay upright.
One of the mice steps forward. "I have," it says when the quake's faded away.
"Jesus Christ on a rocket! You can talk?" Jason blurts out, jumping back. He winces and waits for the robotic lady to admonish him again. Nothing happens, and he lets out a semi-maniacal laugh. Take that, censorship!
" 'course I can talk." The mouse sounds offended. Its voice is surprisingly deep and gruff and it honestly kinda creeps Jason out. "Do I go around askin' if you can talk, ya big hairless monkey?"
Okay, that hurt Jason's feelings a lot. He keeps quiet, though, refusing to acknowledge the fact that he just got smack-talked by a rodent.
"Oh!" Aesc lies flat on her stomach so she's more-or-less eye level with the mouse. "That's promising news! What's your name?"
"Captain Whiskers," the mouse replies, all gravel.
Jason jerks like he's just been stung. "Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any relation to a certain chain-smoking cat, would you?"
"Nah." The mouse shrugs its tiny shoulders. "It's just a common name for us TV-biz critters, ya know?" It turns back to Aesc and offers a tiny paw. Aesc takes it, delicately, and then shakes it, even more delicately. "I'd be pleased ta help ya out if on the condition ya zap all us animals up in that little ball of yours."
"Cross my heart." Aesc makes an X over the right side of her chest. Jason opens his mouth to ask about it but then decides he doesn't really want to know. "No man, woman, nonbinary folk, child, animal, or photoplankton left behind," she declares, very seriously.
There's an uproarious squeaking and twittering. "Thank ya very much," the mouse intones solemnly. "We didn't much like workin' for Barnum neither." It turns around, little pink tail twitching. "The big red button's this a-way."
Aesc gets to her feet and leads the very motley procession after the mouse. "I feel like I'm the Pied Piper!" She exclaims gleefully, skipping. "Again!"
"Who?" Jason asks. She just shakes her head and presses a finger to her lips, giving him a big wink. Another tremor rips through the ground. The ceiling starts to crack, and they all duck as bits of it rain to the ground around them. The mice squeak in alarm and scatter in all directions.
"Here we are," the lead mouse intones. It stops next to a tiny hole set near the bottom of one of the far walls.
Jason eyes it dubiously. "Gee, do you think you could make it any bigger?"
Lady Aesculapius drops to her stomach again and peers through the hole. "I see it!" She gasps, excitedly. "Oh, that is the biggest, reddest button I've ever seen in my entire life! I need to press it so bad!"
"Well, how're you gonna fit?" Jason gestures back and forth between her and the hole. He looks at the mouse. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to do it?"
"Nuh-uh." It shakes its tiny little whiskered head. "I held up my part o'the bargain. Yer on yer own, now." It stares at Aesc expectantly.
"We'll take it from here, don't worry. ¡Muchas gracias!" Aesc activates the Factory and the horde of mice and birds get vworped away. She puts it back in her pocket and turns back to the hole with a frown, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Gabriele," she calls, "could I see that sword for a moment?”
“Ooh!" She exclaims when Gabriele hands it over. "Hefty!" She swings it around a few times and Jason ducks. He's not sure if decapitation would work the same here as in his own universe, but he's not about to take any chances.
"Be careful with that!" Gabriele says, alarmed.
"Sorry, I just get excited. I love a good sword." Aesc brings the sword closer to her face and furrows her brows, clearly concentrating hard. She presses the fingers of her free hand to her temple for good measure. Jason watches as the weapon first shakes wildly and then shrinks. Lady Aesculapius tosses the newly transmogrified key into the air and catches it again. "Easy-peasy," she tells Jason, inserting the key into the mouse hole.
The wall in front of them winks out of existence.
"Huh," Jason says mildly. "Convenient."
Aesc frowns, putting her hands on her hips. "That's not what was supposed to happen. This place is really falling apart at the seams now." The desks around them disappear as she speaks, leaving them standing in a vast, empty room. "Uh-oh. Better get cracking!"
She steps out onto the metal catwalk that spans the chasm that's now yawning up in front of them. Jason can see the Big Red Button in the far distance, surrounded by blinking, winking neon signs and flashing lights. "You ever consider we might be walking into a trap?" He asks, carefully edging his way along the catwalk behind her.
"I never consider that," she replies confidently. Aesc twists around to look at Gabriele and Ezra, still standing in the empty shell of Human Resources and looking very nervous. "You two just stay put!" She yells, directly into Jason's ear, and he winces. "We'll be right back!"
Jason eyes the open space on either side of the catwalk. The darkness of the chasm is so absolute that he can't make out anything, which is probably for the best. Somehow he gets the feeling there's not going to be any handy-dandy firemen hanging around at the bottom in case he takes a tumble. "I don't like this," he starts, slowly inching forward. "What if-"
The catwalk bucks beneath him and he makes a desperate grab for something - anything. His fingers close around only air and Jason pitches headfirst into the inky blackness.
"Jason!" Lady Aesc screams. He feels her hands close around his ankle and he's jerked to a stop, left dangling upside down. "I got you, sweetie!"
His heart's in his throat and it takes him a few tries to find his voice. "Thanks," Jason calls back feebly. The blood's starting to rush to his head. He hears a click and tries to do some sort of mid-air sit-up, trying to see what's going on."
"Jason, I need you to hold still," Aesc tells him crossly, voice floating out of the darkness. "I'm going to drop you if you keep wiggling."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I like your socks, by the way," she adds. "Are those the ones I got your for your birthday?"
"Yeah."
"Aww. All right, I'm going to pull you up now." She starts hauling him back up onto the catwalk, and Jason has never been more relieved to be on solid ground. Even if 'solid ground' at the moment is nothing more than a thin strip of metal suspended who-knows-how-many feet in the air.
"Thanks," Jason gasps out, crouched on the catwalk. He's got a firm grip on either side of it in case it gets any more ideas about trying to throw him off.
Lady Aesculapius beams at him. Literally. She's got a lighted mining helmet she's pulled from somewhere perched jauntily on her head. Jason points at it. "Where'd you get that?"
"Wardrobe department." She pats him on the cheek. "Now you just stay right here while I go press that Big Red Button, okay?" Aesc jumps up before Jason can respond and proceeds to run in place for several seconds. "Oh, are you kidding me?" She exclaims in exasperation. "Looks like we're going to have to do this the hard way."
Then she jumps off the catwalk.
Jason chokes. "Aesc!" He yells, expecting her to go plunging down.
"What?" She's standing - floating, he corrects himself, in mid-air.
"You - never mind." Jason shakes his head. Of course. "Go do your thing."
She gives him another big wink, shining the helmet's beam directly into his eyes. "Be right back." Aesc says, and then zips off into the darkness.
The catwalk starts shaking again, more violently than before. Jason yelps and clings to it like it's a long-lost lover. He squeezes his eyes shut. "You can handle this," he mutters to himself. "You've flown through worse turbulence than this. This is nothing. Sure, you don't have any life support or escape pods or-" He shuts up. Wow, this is an awful pep talk.
There's a distant shriek and Jason jerks his head up, heart skipping a beat. Is Aesc okay? Then he realizes it'd been more of a shriek of delight than a shriek of fear or pain. The shaking's stopped as well. Jason sits up, cautiously. He's still got a death-grip on the catwalk. Just in case.
Lady Aesculapius comes skipping towards him, grinning from ear to ear. "Well, I can cross that off my bucket list," she exclaims smugly. Aesc mimes writing a check mark. "Come on!" She holds out a hand. Jason takes it and she pulls him to his feet. "Let's go round up the rest of Station B9's workers."


-


Three hours later, Jason's back in his favorite armchair on the Factory, slumped down in exhaustion. There's a gopher nibbling on his toe, but he can't be bothered to chase it off. Blanche is standing next to him, arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Her beat-up black armor's covered in tufts of fur.
"Gophers?" Jason offers.
Blanche shakes her head. "Zebras," she says sourly. "They cheat at cards."
"Oh." Jason doesn't inquire further.
"Well, I think that went very well!" Lady Aesculapius exclaims from where's she's sitting in the middle of the floor, having a tea party with two elephants, a mime, and a man dressed as a vampire. "We got everyone out of the bubble dimension!"
"Yeah, but what're we gonna do with them?" Jason looks over the vast crowd of people. The Factory had erected more facilities than he's ever seen it make before to accommodate all of them. Most of them seemed to have gotten over their panic and are talking quietly amongst themselves.
"Hmmmm." Aesc frowns. "I suppose we'll have to bring them all back to where they belong."
Jason groans loudly. "That'll take forever!"
Aesc knocks back the rest of her tea and stands up. "I can swing by the Firmament, I suppose. I'm sure I can find a few people to foist this off on." She crosses over to them, dodging a clown on a unicycle. "Hey, I just thought of something!" She slaps her first into her palm and turns to Blanche. "Where'd Barnum end up?"
"Trussed up in the broom closet." Blanche jerks a thumb over her shoulder at the closet behind them. Jason can hear muffled thuds and yells emanating from it. "Fixed up that head wound of his, so he'll live. Probably got a nasty headache, though."
"Hmm," Aesc says again, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "Well, I'm definitely foisting him off on someone. Maybe Mars. I'm sure they've got a lovely little jail cell just for him."
"What about the Dyson Sphere?" Jason struggles to sit up, biting back a yawn. His movement disturbs the gopher and it scampers off with a disapproving chitter.
"Oh, don't worry about it." Aesc flaps a dismissive hand. "It's probably destroyed itself by now. That's the problem with those kind of thought universes. Take the thinkee out and there's nothing to power them, so they just wink out of existence. No, what we should be worried about whether someone is trying to make another one."
"Do you really think that'd happen?"
"It's happened twice so far." She shrugs her shoulders. "Never underestimate the power of greed, Jason. Oh, that reminds me of something completely unrelated." Aesc pulls a large megaphone out of her pocket and holds it to her mouth. Jason hastily stuffs his fingers in his ears.
"Don't-" Blanche starts.
"Can Gabriele and Ezra please come to the front!" Lady Aesculapius bellows, voice magnified tenfold by the megaphone. Jason's pretty sure he sees the walls of the Factory shake. The crowd parts as the couple approaches, holding hands. "There you are!" She beams at them. Blanche reaches over and turns the megaphone off. "I want to talk to you guys," Aesc continues, at normal volume.
Ezra and Gabriele exchange a glance. "We're not in trouble, are we?" Ezra asks, nervously.
"Of course not!" Lady Aesc sounds shocked. "After all the help you gave us? No!" She shakes her head. "I just want to ask what you want to do now."
"Well," Gabriele starts slowly, "I would like to go home. I miss my family and my garden, but..." She looks at Ezra and squeezes her hand. "I don't want to leave you," she tells her.
"I don't either." Ezra blinks a bit, eyes shining. "I don't really want to go back to my universe. There's nothing for me there."
Aesc claps her hands loudly. "Well then, you're in luck!" She points a finger at Ezra. "I did some digging, and turns out you don't exist in Gabriele's universe! Isn't that great?" Ezra just blinks in response, looking startled.
"You're going to give the poor girl an existential crisis," Blanche deadpans.
Aesc ignores her. "Everything's all mucked up right now," she continues. "Threads of reality are frayed and all that. So it'd be no biggie to just drop you off there, if you want."
"Yes!" Ezra blurts. "Yes! Thank you so much!" She throws her arms around Aesc and then does the same to Gabriele, kissing her.
"My family's going to love you as much as I do," Gabriele says when they come up for air, smiling warmly at her.
Lady Aesc ushers Jason and Blanche away discreetly before he can hear Ezra's answer. "Ah, young love." She sighs contentedly. "Well, all's well that ends well. Time to relax!"
She powers on the Factory's control screens. There's a video playing, and Jason peers over her shoulder to get a better look at it.
Lady Aesculapius's face beams back at him, all bright neon and twinkling lights. His own face and Blanche’s appear next to her. Then the faces fade, and a string of words starts scrolling across the screen. Jason reads them aloud.

 "Ugh, reruns!" Aesc complains, and shuts the screen off.

Hundreds of years ago, creatures of immense power arrived at a town, and laid waste to it. Later on, people would talk about great battles of epic proportions. 

They would be lying. Here’s what actually happened.
Two women stood in the middle of a large town square. One was dark-skinned and dressed like a chimney sweep, while holding a big basket of food. The other one was a tall Caucasian woman, with blonde long hair, a black peacock coat with yellow pants, and a haughty and self-satisfied smile on her face.
“Myrrhine,” said the blonde woman. “I’ve had a very good day. Turning that old man into an eel positively improved my mood. I mean, could you have just left this place knowing that he was selling exotic fish on the black market? I couldn’t have.”
Myrrhine nodded. “I agree, Enforcer. He was a really bad guy. But, I think there’s been a problem, Miss Xyli--”
“Please stop calling me miss. Makes me sound stuffy,” said Xylia. “And what’s the problem? Running out of food?”
“I’m a Firmament of Food, I can’t run out, ma’am,” said Myrrhine. Xylia’s eyeroll clued Myrrh that she was joking, and Myrrh smiled uneasily. Xylia was a very important person in Firmament society, but also known to be rather temperamental, and able to hold grudges for a long time. Probably had something to do with being a “Firmament Of Dark Consequences” (Xylia had once explained it as being the personification of “You get what you deserve”.) So she really, really wanted to not mess up her time as an understudy of Xylia—after all, this was one of her tasks as an adherent to the Faceless Ones. But Xylia’s mercurial nature had made this...an interesting adventure.
“So, what’s the issue? Missing your sister?”
Myrrh smiled despite herself at the mention of Aesc. “I am, ma’am, more than you know. But that’s not the problem. Do you hear that rumble?”
Xylia frowned. There was a loud rumble, getting louder. Myrrh pointed out the crowd running into the square, their faces full of anger.
“I think the villagers dislike that you turned their king into an eel,” said Myrrh.
“Should have voted in a better king,” mutterred Xylia.
Myrrh chose not to say that wasn’t how kings worked, and walked forward to meet the crowd. She picked a particularly scrumptious cinnamon biscuit from her basket, and offered it to the man at the front, who had a thick red mustache and a green shirt. “We’re sorry about your king.”
“Turn him back, now!” said Green Shirt.
Myrrh looked back at Xylia, who was inspecting her shoes. Xylia replied “No,” without looking up.
An old woman beside Green Shirt said “He nearly got eaten by a bear! We’ve had to keep him in a tank.”
A boy ran up to Xylia, and said “He’s my father! I want my daddy back!”
“But he can still be your daddy. As an eel, of course, but he still loves you. Assumedly,” said Xylia sweetly. The boy started crying, and Xylia shrugged. “It’s really not my fault your father was taking advantage of his poor subjects’ fisheries. Sorry, kid.”
Myrrh was about to say maybe Xylia should turn the king back, when Green Shirt stuck a crossbow in Myrrh’s face. “Turn the king back, or I’ll...”
Xylia’s face lit up. “Oh, you’re threatening my understudy? Ooooohhhh, are you?”
Green shirt paused. “Yeah, I guess...I am? I’d rather not, but...”
“Oh, Myrrhine! I think it’s time I give these villagers what they deserve!”
Myrrhine’s heart sank. She turned to Green Shirt, and said, “You need to run. She’s about to start...booping.”
“What?” asked Green Shirt.
Xylia waltzed up to the man, and said “Boop!”
Green Shirt laughed, as nothing happened. Then a gnat slammed into his face, and he slapped it away. Then another, and another. He inspected one of the gnats, and realized they were actually mini-crossbows. And then a whole flood of “gnats” rushed toward him. He ran away, screaming.
The rest of the crowd looked at each other, and backed away.
“You’re trying to run?” said Xylia. “That’s cute. Boop!”
She pointed at the old woman. Writing started to appear on her skin. 
“Are these...my tax returns?” asked the woman.
“All the ones you cheated on,” said Xylia. A man was running at her with a sword, and without looking, she extended her hand and booped the man into a laughing clown.
Myrrh could only watch as Xylia kept booping the villagers. She turned one man into a tall wolf-person, another into three short elves, took one young woman and made her old, and transformed one old man into a pimply teenager. Myrrh could only offer food and apologies, as Xylia rampaged through the town.
“Boop, and bibbity-bobbity-boo, and you go a-boop, a bip a bop and we don’t stop—wait,” said Xylia. A young blonde man was bravely shielding three children from her.
“You, I can’t boop you. You’ve already atoned for your sins. Hrmph,” said Xylia. Rolling her eyes, she said “Boop.”
The young man was transformed into a young woman. Looking at herself, the blonde laughed. “How did you know I wanted--”
“I know. Go, you deserved it,” muttered Xylia. “I promise not to hurt the children. Go, before someone sees your physical change.”
“You can’t hurt us anyway!” said a child behind the blonde. “We’re too young to have sins that need atoning.”
“Oh really? Tell me, Ernie, did you steal watermelon from your big sis a few weeks ago?”
“...No,” said the boy unconvincingly.
“A boop on the nose for you!” said Xylia, tapping him softly. Ernie’s skin turned watermelon-red. Xylia looked at the blonde woman and said “Changing skin color doesn't count as 'hurt'".”
“How dare this infernal creature use her witch powers!” cried the town pastor, who had approached Xylia.
“Are you being sexist? Please say yes. I get particularly creative for sexists!” said Xylia, rubbing her hands together. “What else can you cook up?”
The pastor pulled out a modified revolver and shot Xylia in the chest twice with a bolt of electric firepower, killing her instantly.
“You’re using a gun? What sort of a church are you running?” asked Myrhhine.
“Not the pacifist kind,” deadpanned the pastor. He pointed the gun at Myrrhine, but one of the kids stopped him.
“She gave me ice cream. She’s cool,” said a kid.
“I’m very cool, and I have tons of ice cream,” said Myrrh.
“Hmm,” said the pastor. Before he could answer further, a lightning bolt struck him, and he was turned into a small, blue furry mouse-squirrel creature, who Myrrh distantly remembered as the animal mascot of some children’s show, called the Zikacru.
The new body of Xylia flew down from above. This one was still Caucasian, but had harsher, more angular features, with an aquiline nose, and an angry stare instead of the last one’s playful one. Her coat was a dark maroon red, with black pants. She looked down at the Zika-pastor, and said “Boop.”
Then she looked at Myrrh, and grinned. Myrrh felt her blood run cold.
“Let’s leave,” said Xylia. “It’s not really fun anymore.”
“This was your idea of fun?” asked Ernie.
“Okay, where are we going next?” asked Myrrh.
“Someplace not here,” said Xylia.
“Can I get some ice cream first? Vanilla?” asked Ernie.
“Yeah, sure. Let me get my bask--”
“LOL Nope,” said Xylia, who snapped her fingers, and the two Firmament were gone.
That should have been that, except the old body of Xylia was left behind.
“What do we do with that?” asked the tax-return old woman.
“Chuck it in the sea,” said one voice.
“No, let’s bury it,” said another. He sounded authoritative, so they did that.
Had the pastor been in human form, he could have told them that burial might very well lead to a curse. Of course, he was a Zikacru, and no one listened to his zika-zikas.
And so, the body of the Firmament of Dark Consequences spread its influence into the ground of the planet, infecting its water supply and the crops for countless years…
Then, someone dug it up.

* * *

Year: 2017

“Wake up, Aria.”
Ariadne shifted in her bed uncomfortably. She slept hard at the best of times, and the past few days had tuckered her out. Elfyr’s blade was pulsing slowly inside her arm, threatening to irritate her into waking up, and she was not having that. Grabbing the pillow closer, she said groggily, “Let me rest, Dory. Get Percy to fix whatever’s wrong.”
“Aria, Trevor’s number’s gone to 0.”
Aria’s eyes flew open. Elfyr began to alight within her, and she jumped out of the bed, seeing Dory’s scared face looking at her. “Where is he?”
“At his girlfriend’s house. He just texted me,” said Dory.
“I thought I told you all to stay here,” Ariadne replied. She threw on a jacket and sneakers, quickly stuffed the HRT into her jeans pocket, and started looking for her car keys.
Dory jingled them behind her. “Yeah, I tried telling him that. He slipped away from me.”
“Right. To get laid. Typical,” said Ariadne. “What’s your number? If it’s too low, you need to stay here.”
“Seven. Come on, let’s go,” said Dory. She saw their enthusiastic smile, but knew them well enough to know it was a front. They were actually terrified, and Aria nearly told them to stay home.
Instead, she said “You’ll be the one driving. The other three should stay here, and I need to conserve my strength for fighting the Shade.”
 

Whenever the Shade began to get close to its prey, she could smell it. A wave of sadness would wash over her, clinging to her like mud. An iron aftertaste stuck to her mouth, and it only got worse as she got closer to wherever the Shade was. Aria wondered whether the Shade could sense her, too.
Elfyr’s heat was burning underneath her skin now. The blade wasn’t physically under her skin, but it really felt like it. The sword, which had been with her ever since she and her six friends (now 4) had read the verses from the book on Arduvia Drive, was itching for the fight. As Dory drove her to the house, they occasionally looked over at her, clearly worried. Of all the people involved with this horrific situation, Aria felt the worst for them. Dory hadn’t even wanted to go to Arduvia drive—it was Aria who convinced them to get outside, as a way to loosen up. Everything that happened to Dory from here out was on Aria’s conscience. Felicia and others were already there, of course.

By now, it was a quiet night. The town felt desolate even at the best of times, and with only electric lights to fight the darkness now, it was a wasteland. The drive began to feel like a blur, until--
A man in a white suit, in the corner of her eyes, scurried past. He was only there for a blink, but he had been staring at her. She had lots of practice of being stared at—she knew what it looked like. But when she looked back, he was gone.
“We’re here,” said Dory.
Trevor’s girlfriend’s house looked rather nondescript. Perfectly bland white walls, combined with the latest nano-enhancements, like most houses built in the 90s (Something about that troubled Aria, but she couldn’t quite place why). There was no commotion inside, which was both calming and troubling.
The stink of the Shade had disappeared. Maybe they hadn’t been too late this time. Still, Aria allowed Elfyr to materialize, and let out a sigh of relief. The crystal sword appeared in her hand in a flash, as the heat within her body flowed out of her. The pink hilt glinted in the city lights. Gripping the handle, she nodded to Dory. “Let’s go.”
They slowly walked inside. Clothes were strewn around the room, with a lamp looking broken on the floor, glass shattered here and there. The lights were blinking on and off slowly, making an audible click every time. Dory bit their lip, and looked at Aria. Aria figured it was best to be quiet.
A loud thump echoed from the bathroom.
“Hello? Trev?” called out Dory. No response. Dory glanced at Aria, and the two got ready. Aria got in front of Dory, and slowly opened the door.
A redheaded girl ran out. Dory caught her. “Maria? What happened?”
Maria’s eyes were blood-red, and after a moment, she said “Oh god...I called you both freaks two weeks ago behind your backs, and I kissed Josh yesterday ago behind Trev’s back, and I once wore my mother’s dress when she went on vacation, and I--”
“Maria, where’s Trevor?” asked Aria.
“Trevor...he ran. Left me behind, with that big...shadow...creature…I talked about Alice behind her back, and called her stupid, and...”
“The Shade.” Dory looked expectantly at Aria, who shook her head.
“I can’t heal her now. I need to find Trevor,” said Aria.
“So we just leave her catatonic?” said Dory. “Can’t you fix her a little?”
Aria was about to reply, when she heard commotion outside. She told Dory “Stay here,” and ran outside
Three very strangely dressed people were standing in front of her. One was an annoyed man wearing a wreath of pink ribbon. Another was a white-haired woman with bright blue eyes, and wearing what looked like black body armor And the third one was a black woman with a spherical face, lively twinkling eyes, and an even more twinkling smile, with a colorful costume.
“Who are you?” asked Aria.
“I’m Lady Aesc. The woman beside me is my lovely girlfriend, Blanche, and the other human is our travelling mate, Jason Jackson.”
“Hi. I’m Ariadne.”
“Ooh, lovely name. Oh, and lovelier sword. Anyway, why are we here?”
“I don’t know,” said Aria.
“I thought you said we were asked to be here,” said Blanche grumpily to Aesc.
“Well, I thought we were,” Aesc grumpily replied.
“Excuse me,” said Dory, “but how’d you three get here?”
“See, the three of us had found ourselves hanging out with some old ladies who were running a knitting circle/heavy metal combo—which is my jam--when we found out that they were actually secretly dragons who had been turned to humanoid form as an attempt to hide from some dragon hunter guild. So, I’m like, none of us three are dragon hunters, so we’re cool? But then someone, and I’m not naming Jason Jackson’s name because that would be rude, invited their new best friend, who turns out to secretly have dragon hunter as their temp job...and then we realize it’s not a temp job, he’s actually the leader, so then it gets nasty. Hearts are broken, fists are swung, rap battles are fought. But then, in the middle of that adventure, we get a message to come over to some place for some ritual, and then we get teleported over in the middle of the city. And I have no Foce with me - I’m sure it’ll turn up - so we’re stuck here. Though I have my Quantum whisk! And my spyglass!. So, any idea what’s going on?” asked Aesc hopefully.
Aria and Dory stared, and simultaneously said “What?”
“Yeah, we ask that a lot too. It’s part of the Aesc experience,” said Blanche.
“Seriously, what are you talking about?” asked Dory.
Aesc rolled her eyes, and pointed up at the stars, which spelled out:

​

“There, happy now?” said Aesc.
“What are you pointing to?” asked Dory.

All Dory could see was stars. Aria looked like she was almost reading something at first, but then she snapped out of it, and said “I don’t know how to help you, sorry. Dory and I need to get back home and regroup.”

“There’s a McDonalds down the road somewhere,” said Dory. “It’s on the way. You could come with us.”
Dory could see Aria frown but before she could object, Aesc quickly exclaimed “Awesome! And you can tell us all about this place while we’re with you.”

So Dory drove the group . Aria was fast asleep on the passenger's side, while the three newcomers were in the back seat, looking around. Jason was frowning, as if he was confused by the city. Blanche stared outside, as if she had never seen a street before. She eyed the advertisement for the steam train ride with particular confusion, and possibly fear. Dory wanted to ask her what was wrong, but wasn’t sure if that would be rude. Instead, Dory used their tech implant to quickly send a text to one of the Numbered, Eleanor, letting her know they’d be home soon.
“That,” Blanche finally said, pointing to the Millie Adams’ straw house, “is a straw house.”
“Yeah?” replied Dory. That house had been there for centuries--what was so odd about that?
“In between 2 apartment buildings,” Jason added. “One of which has hologram window panes. Looks a bit...wait, which planet is this?”
“Earth 2,” said Dory.
“Earth 2, huh?” Aesc suddenly piped up. “What happened to Earth 1? I hope it wasn’t global warming.”
“There’s never been an Earth 1,” said Dory, trying to keep irritation from their tone. Why were they asking such dumb questions?
“Okay. And you don’t find anything weird about that?” asked Jason.
“Don’t be so judgmental, Jason!” scoffed Aesc. “I’ve been on an Earth 3, and Earth 69 (fun place there, not for the reasons you think), and an Earth 616. Last one nearly had me joining the Av--”
“There’s someone waving at your car from the bushes,” interrupted Blanche.
Stopping the car, Dory could see a familiar face hiding between the bushes of a car in the distance. It was Trevor, the numbered that they had been looking for.
“Trevor, get in the car” Dory called out. Either Trevor couldn’t hear, or didn’t want to move, so they quickly looked back at the three new passengers and said “Stay in the car.”
Dory ran over to where Trevor was hiding, and said “Where have you been?”
“Trying not to get caught by the Shade. Is Ariadne around?” Trevor’s eyes were bloodshot, and his voice sounded fatigued.
“Just in the car,” said Dory, looking back, and saw Aesc, Blanche, and Jason right behind her.
“Sorry, Aesc never stays put,” said Blanche sheepishly.
Before Dory could reply, Trevor grabbed their arm, and tried to press it to his.
“Stop!” said Dory. “Aria said we had to ask each other before we drain off numbers.”
“I don’t have time for that shit. I’m at 0! The big scary shadow freak nearly got me.” said Trevor. “How high is your number?”
“Big scary freak? Sounds interesting. Tell us more,” said Aesc, her eyes growing wide with anticipation.
Dory ignored the weird lady, and checked her wrist number. It was at four. They would need to get some sleep, or eat, soon. The number shouldn’t have gone down so fast. “Why did you let your number get so low?”
“I was busy with Mary. I got too distracted,” said Trevor.
He looked down, like he was guilty of something, but Dory decided not to push it. Checking down at her wrist, she figured that she could spare one number for him. “Hold out your wrist. I’ll give you one, just one, of mine. You’ll have to get the rest from someone else.”
“Yeah, sure,” said Trevor, grabbing their wrist and holding it to his. They closed their eyes, and could feel the energy flowing into him, as their body felt just a little bit more worn down from the exchange.
“Will someone explain to me what the hell is going on?” asked Jason slowly. “What’s up with these numbers? Why are you two holding wrists together? Is this like a...do y’all need a room, or...”
Dory felt her number go down a bit, and said “Trevor, let go.”
He ignored her, and continued draining her. She opened her eyes, and tried to push their wrist away, but he grabbed it closer.
“I can’t let that thing kill me,” he said. Dory felt themselves getting even weaker, their eyesight starting to grow dim, as their knees buckled.
Blanche suddenly pushed him off them, saying “When a lady--person says let go, you let go. Asshole.”
“Thanks,” said Dory, as they quickly checked that their number was back to four. “And lady’s fine, though I prefer ‘they/them’. Just don’t call me ‘he’.”
“Cool. I still don’t know what the fuck is going on, though,” said Jason.
A dark, dank smell crossed Dory’s nose. Their heart leapt in their chest, as they realized what the smell was. Trevor’s face had gone pale, as he too knew what that smell meant. Dory looked around the street, trying to see where the smell was coming from. The streets were blank, with only faint outlines of houses in the distance. But the smell was getting worse.
“Where’s Aria?” repeated Trevor. He scrambled up suddenly. “Give me some of your number. Please.”
“Shut up, Trevor,” said Dory. The miasma was almost choking her, the way it invaded her nostrils and stirred up dark fears. And Trevor wouldn’t stop pleading and whining, like a baby. Dory was disgusted by him, disgusted by his weakness, and the way he was willing to risk the lives of friends just to survive. Why did Aria even let him live? If they left him here...no one would know--
Dory shook their head. That was the miasma messing with their head. “Trevor, let’s get back to the car, now. Aria’ll know what to do,” they said, as turning around to go back. “You three come with.”
“No problem. By the way, there’s mud at your feet,” said Jason.

Something crawled over her pants leg. Looking down, they saw that their feet were covered with mud, and as they walked, the mud followed them. Then, something was pushing out of the mud.
“It’s the Shade! It’s f--” started Trevor, before two bone-white hand pushed out of the mud and reached out for Dory’s legs. Dory kicked their way out of the mud, and started to run, as a large, tall shadow loomed behind her.
“What the fuck is that?” asked Jason, looking at the creature behind her shoulder. Blanche looked faintly disturbed. Aesc’s face lit up in excitement.
“Little bunny,” said the Shade, in the voice of Dory’s mother. “Always questioning, always scared. Run, bunny, run.”
“Oh, fuck no. Fuck this. No, no, you’re gone...the Wolf is gone. Why do you have its voice?,” said Jason, starting to walk backwards. He fell, and kept crawling backward. “The Wolf...you fucking can’t be. Get away. Don’t...”
Dory started running too, but then remembered. She looked back, to see the Shade lumbering toward Trevor, who was backed into a corner. She turned to Jason, and said “Find Aria.”
“No...no...we need to go. Or the Wolf is gonna eat us. Because we’ve been bad. We need to go...” whimpered Jason, rocking back and forth in place.
“Snap out of it!” said Blanche, who immediately launched into a fighting stance and landed a kick on the Shade’s side. The hulking creature barely registered the blow, backhanding Blanche effortlessly.
“The Shade’s just tapping into your fears. Find Aria, or Trevor will die!” shouted Dory to the rest of the team. At the word “die”, Aesc suddenly switched into action, running back to the car. Jason was left catatonic, on the floor. And Blanche slowly was pushing herself off the ground
A quick movement behind Dory’s view made them look backward, to see the Shade’s blank, muck-covered visage staring at her. A sharp blow to the ribs made them fly into a house’s stone walls, and they landed on the floor, the breath taken out of them. Dory coughed, as the Shade watched them on the floor, watching Dory try to get up.
“Let me go. I’ll take her numbers, and you go get her instead. You just follow the number order, right,” said Trevor.
“Trevor, always such a screw-up. Had everything paid for by your parents,” said the Shade, as it slowly smiled at him. “Even your new girlfriend met you because of your parents. Do you really think you can pay off fate?”
“Stop talking in my ex-girlfriend’s voice. Stop messing with my head,” said Trevor.
“If you can get to Dory before I get to you, I’ll let you go. I’ll even give you a 3 second heads-up,” said the Shade.
“It’s lying, Trevor,” said Dory. “Don’t.”
Trevor looked from the Shade to Dory. He gave an apologetic look, and ran straight for them. The Shade walked away from Dory, walking slowly, while humming. Just when Trevor was about to reach them, the Shade turned around and rushed straight to Trevor in the blink of an eye. Its chest opened up to reveal a dark hole within, that seemed endless, and yet something else was in there. It grabbed Trevor, and brought him closer.
“Time’s up, Trevor,” said the Shade. Then it swallowed him up whole, and its chest closed back up, the clothes resewing itself back together. The Shade grew a few inches taller, and its chest got broader, its muscles more defined. Focusing on Dory, it said “You should have tried harder to save him.”
“You can’t get me. My number isn’t 0,” said Dory. A golden 1 shone on their wrist.
The Shade pinned them down with one boot. “So we wait. You’re good at that, waiting.”
“I’m not listening to you,” said Dory.
“You never listen,” said the Shade sharply, in the exact tone her mother used. “You just wait. You let other people decide your career, you let Aria protect you, you let someone else become your friend. When are you gonna actually make a choice? Maybe if you weren’t waiting, maybe you’d actually have a boyfr--”
“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!” said Dory. Their number was getting dimmer.
The Shade’s chest started to ripple, as it grabbed Dory up by the neck, and brought its face close to them. They could smell its breath, and it tasted terribly sweet, like too much perfume. Suddenly, a loud metal banging echoed from its head, as a metal can bounced off the Shade’s head.
“Get off them, Captain Whiskers!” screamed Jason’s voice in the distance.
The Shade turned around, and behind it, was Jason, Lady Aesc, and Blanche, with Eleanor, a fellow Numbered beside them.
And Ariadne was in front of all of them, her crystal sword gleaming colorfully in the moonlight, charging straight at the Shade. The Shade dropped Dory, and dodged the blow, skipping backwards. Aria viciously followed the Shade, slashing at the Shade’s right arm, and hitting flesh. The Shade screamed and punched forward with its left, causing Aria to move out of the way. The Shade caught Aria while she was moving, tripping her feet, and then slammed Aria to the ground, and threw her to the side of a nearby car.
“Aria!” said Dory, but Eleanor, who had ran up to their side, shushed them. Eleanor quickly grabbed Dory’s wrist, and they saw their number increase back to three. Dory wordlessly nodded her thanks.
“Trevor?” whispered Eleanor. Dory only looked away.
“Do you enjoy these fights, Aria?” asked the Shade. “Is this why you protect them? So we can--”
Aria leapt up and spun forward, slicing at the Shade’ chest. In response, the Shade ripped the tire off a car parked in the street, using it first as a shield, then as a battering ram, slamming at her sword until the tire was punctured, and the sword was hitting the rim’s metal. The two combatants stayed locked in a stalemate, crystal against metal, taunting each other as they tried to gain the advantage.
“Are you alright?” Aesc asked Dory. She’d somehow gotten right next to them without being noticed by either them or Eleanor, and looked surprisingly relaxed as the two fighters clashed. “I’m sorry about Trevor.”
“So am I,” said Dory.
“You know, the mark on its back. I’ve seen it before. Can’t remember where,” said Aesc. Thinking, she walked over to the Shade, who had hit Aria in the face and was about to slam her into the ground.
“Hey!” said Lady Aesc to the Shade. The Shade turned around, and raised its eyebrows. “Yes, you. Hello, I’m Lady Aescapulios, Arbiter of Biological Healing, winner of seven pie-eating competitions--”
“I know you who are, Firmament. I am the forgotten dark whisper in the heart, the dying of the--”
“No, no, no. If you cut off my big title listing, you don’t get to finish yours,” said Aesc petulantly. She looked the creature up and down. “So, you just hunt after teen kids, huh? Not to kinkshame, but that’s a weird hobby, Betty. Can I call you Betty? You look like a Betty, and everyone calls you the Shade, but I figure you’d want a better name.”
The Shade stared at her, motionlessly. “You hide your fear behind jokes. I can smell your fear. So could your instructor. “
Aesc scoffed. “Low blow, Betty, low blow. 2 things to know: The jokes aren’t a defense mechanism. I am literally Like This, all the time. Also, why do you have that symbol on your back? Is it just a fashion statement, Betty, or...cause on my planet, that symbol stands for ‘Dark Consequences.’”
The Shade, for the first time Dory had ever seen, looked surprised. Then, it cocked its head, and said “My master wants you to know, Aesc, that you’re going to die--”
Aria slammed her sword into its gut, and the Shade screamed, while burning up into sparks.
“Did you kill it?”
“No, it always comes back,” said Aria. Seeing Aesc’s angry expression, she replied “What? It was gonna say more crap to mess with your mind.”
“Obviously,” said Aesc. “That’s what ‘evil villains’ do. But, it was about to monologue, and monologuing villains give away secrets. For example, who is its ‘master’?”
“No idea. It’s never mentioned a master before,” said Eleanor.
“Hmm,” said Aesc. “You’ve never seen a burnt-up crispy man running around, right? Or a man with a goatee, or a woman wearing a bizarro Mary Poppins outfit--”
Dory and Aria caught each other’s eyes in confusion. Aria shrugged at Dory, with a small grin on her face. 
“...Or a small Asian child, or that one wizard-looking one in charge of war, or the other crispy guy who might be the first crispy guy--”
“Dear, I think they haven’t,” said Blanche. “And I think you’re losing them.”
“Okay,” said Aesc. She sighed. “Time to search for clues.”
“Yeah, about that,” said Jason. “We still didn’t finish searching for the bathroom.”
Dory said “Maybe you guys can go to the safehouse bathroom.”
They looked at Aria who, after a moment, nodded.
“Yeah, you three saved Dory’s life. You can come along,” said Aria.
“Splendid!” said Aesc. She giggled, and said “This feels like the start of an interesting trip. I can always tell!”
“I don’t think it can get any more interesting than it already has,” grumbled Jason.
* * *
“Good to see you chaps!” said a pimply teen boy wearing what looked like some mixture of a Robin-Hood outfit and a knight servant’s clothing. “I had feared that the horrific scary demon monstrosity had taken you all away! Would have filled me with the greatest woe!”
“Oh hell,” said Jason.
Now, considering that he had just had to relive one of his worst memories, a man wearing old-timey clothing and speaking like some sort of...Shakespearian character should barely be a blip on the “Weird Day” scale. But, from his point-of-view, this was just the final stupid pebble in a day of crazy pebbles, that had started with “hey, we’re gonna hang out with old ladies that sing heavy metal”, and just kept getting weirder all day. So, at some point, his mind had to just accept the crazy. Either that, or go crazy, which was feeling more plausible by the moment.
“Ariadne, weaver of the sword, who are these newcomers? Others touched by the Number Curse?” said the man.
“No, Percy,” said Ariadne. “These are guests--
“Lord Percy, please,” he added.
“...Lord Percy, they helped save Dory from the Shade.”
“Yeah, those people saved my ass. Trevor’s...yeah,” said Dory.
Percy shook his head, stroking his beard. “Trevor was never the best lad, but he did not deserve the reaper’s kiss. I will dedicate my next quest to him.”
“Quest?” asked Blanche. He could tell she was as surprised by Percy as he was.

“He means going to get groceries,” said Aria huffily. She was looking around the living room, and then stared at Percy. “Lord Percy, did you use my cellphone to watch Camelot movies? Again?”

Percy gulped audibly. “My dear lady--”

“Don’t ‘my dear lady’ me. Don’t use my phone, Percy,” said Aria, glaring at the man. “Three months ago, you didn’t even know what a phone was! Now you keep using up the charge on mine!”
Percy nodded guiltily, and walked outside, saying “I’ll go tend to my horse, then.”
“Does he actually own a horse?” asked Blanche.
Jason didn’t wait for the answer, instead running to the bathroom, half-wondering if he would find a chamber-pot in there. The walls were rather dirty, with stains here and there, though he noticed the floors were extra-clean. He was reminded of the barracks in his time at Centro
When he came out of the bathroom (no chamberpot, thank god), he heard someone walking up to him, and turned around to see Dory. In the daylight, he could see their face had a small scar running down the side. “Jason, right? Thanks for getting help. You saved my life.”
“No prob. Hey...How did you all get cursed?” he asked.
“Well, Aria and me and like, five other friends all went to this haunted house on Arduvia drive. Well, when I say “haunted”, it was just rumors of ghosts and stuff, and it was Halloween, so...Aria wanted me to get out more, so we all went to the house. It was just quiet, with old busted walls. I remember thinking it was weird there was no dust or cobwebs, though. Anyway, the team went inside, and we told each other scary stories...I remember Felicia. She was really good at spooking us, playing it up with screams...” Dory trailed off. She closed her eyes suddenly, and tears started to come out. Aesc immediately grabbed Dory into a strong group hug, with Jason squirming a bit between Aesc and Dory.
“I...yeah. Gimme a sec,” said Dory. She breathed in and out, and continued “Eventually, we found the basement door. I can’t remember much of what happened then. None of us can, not well. All we remember is a bright white light, and the sound of Aria reading some Latin words out of a book. When we woke up, there were numbers on each of our wrists. And a piece of paper saying “As you all fall into moral decay, the numbers on your wrist shall run to 0. As you breathe, live, and eat, the numbers shall run to 0. And when the number counts down to 0, then your judgment will be at hand. Share your numbers, to delay your fate. Only the Firmament sword can save you. But nothing can save you forever. Thus is the pronouncement of Father Zika.”

“Firmament?” said Jason. He looked at Aesc, who had her arms crossed, and her eyes looking very serious.

“Yeah,” said Dory. “Mean something to you?”

“Oh, that word means a lot of things. Most of them not-so-good.”
“Yeah, we thought it was just dumb stuff. Until Henri’s number went to 0, and the Shade appeared,” said Dory.
“That was the first time I wielded Elfyr,” said Aria. She was wearing a blue shirt and jeans now, her arms skinny and lithe. Jason saw, hanging out of her pocket, a medal of some sort. “When I saw the Shade, I just knew what to do. My sword appeared in my hand. I remember how shiny it looked, being both surprised, and not at all surprised. I just leapt into battling that thing. It didn’t look surprised to see me, either. Like it knew about my sword before I did.”
“May I take a closer look at it?” asked Aesc.
Aria nodded. Closing her eyes, she held out her hand. Blue light rushed out of palm, swirling around until it solidified into a sword. The sword’s hilt was pink-colored, while the blade looked like a crystal thorn. Aesc leaned over, her eyes focusing on a mark on the hilt.
“Was that mark always there?” asked Aesc.
Aria nodded. Jason got closer, and saw some weird loops and shapes. “So this is Firmament stuff?” asked Jason. “Why the hell are they menacing teens?”
“What’s Firmament?” asked Aria. Aesc paced, as Aria vanished the sword in a flash of blinding white light.

“I’m an alien,” said Lady Aesc. “Well, technically, I’m an aspect of the universe given form, but alien is simpler. That sword is tech from my planet. It’s got a Firmament symbol, it’s made out of crystal, and it’s got that twee medieval steampunk feel that my race likes. But, why is it here?”

“...You two are aliens?” asked Dory. They were suddenly grinning from ear-to-ear. “I’ve always wanted to meet an alien. They never visit Earth 2. Um, do you know any alien cybernetic engineers?”
“I know lots. None here, though. Why?” asked Aesc.
“Well...” started Dory. She then disconnected her jaw, and showed it to Jason. Inside, he saw what looked like rusted electric components. From an audio device still in the center of the roof of her mouth, she said, “No one on Earth 2’s been able to fix my mouth. And it’s starting to hurt bad. Zaps me all the time.”

Jason sputtered. “And who made them?”

Dory’s eyes furrowed up. Jason realized that they were frowning. “Can’t remember.”

“Wait. So you’re a cybernetic person, and Percy is from Ye Old Days?” asked Jason. “All in 2017?”
“Yeah. Anyway, can you fix my jaw?”
Jason felt like his own jaw was gonna detach. Aesc just scratched her head. But Aria was nodding. He realized that she saw how weird this place was, too. So why was she the only one?
* * *
Blanche felt like she was being watched. She’d felt like this soon after arriving at this weird town. At first, the assumption was that she had been going through basic nerves. But no, it was something else. Every now and then, she would see someone scurrying out the side of her eyes.  So she was standing outside the small house that Aria’s group were living in, keeping an eye out. So far, all she’d seen were squirrels. Dangerous looking squirrels, but still just squirrels.
Aria walked out of the house. Her hands were in her pockets, and her eyes were straight forward, a steady firm glance. Blanche could recognize the look of someone who was used to danger. Did people see that when they looked in Blanche’s eyes?
Aria noticed Blanche, and waved. “Aesc tells me you’re from space.”

“Yeeeep,” said Blanche. “From lots of different kinds of space. I’ve done a lot of travelling. I used to be a soldier.”
“Had a brother who was in Afghanistan. I think. Funny thing, I can’t quite remember what he looked like,” said Aria. (Blanche didn’t know what ‘Afghanistan’ was, but nodded appreciatively.) She lowered her tone. “No one here remembers their history too well.”

There was a long, cylindrical spire in the distance. The architecture reminded Blanche of a building she had seen years ago. But that mission was not in the 21st century. Everyone here was mismatched, slapped together. It added to Blanche’s nerves. Magic curses, ancient knights, with 21st century people, and 31st century building designs. 
“You see it too. This place feels wrong,” said Aria.
“Yeah,” said Blanche. (From the corner of her vision, she noticed movement. She pretended not to see it.)
“I’ve known it, ever since this curse started. Started noticing people that shouldn’t belong, places that don’t fit. The history books don’t make sense. Dory’s got advanced tech in her jaw, but no one else does. Percy talks like old-fashioned, but he’s the only one. Trevor didn’t even know what Facebook or Twitter was for the longest. And me...I had a medal for running in a marathon, and remember winning...but the medal’s from 2020. ”
“May I see it?” asked Blanche. Aria nodded, and passed it on. The medal looked utterly normal. “You’re sure it’s not from the past?”
(That movement was getting closer.)
“The track team hasn’t let me run. Said I might have an unfair advantage. I’ve been trying to argue with them about it...”
The movement was suddenly behind Blanche. Blanche looped around, and kicked down the mysterious assailant, who was...an old lady.

“Ahhh!!! I wanted to offer you cookies pleasedon’thurtme!” screamed the old lady. She had short hair, and a yellow blouse.
“Blanche, we have a new mission—why is your foot on an old lady’s neck?” asked Aesc.
“Errr,” said Blanche. “I thought the old lady was attacking us.”
“Only wanted to give cookies,” said the old lady. Blanche helped the woman up, who smiled sweetly. “My, my, you’re jumpy. I do hope you’re having an alright night.”

“We are,” said Aesc. “Thank you for the cookies. Blanche, we need to get going—we’re going to Arduvia Drive. To see a house. Well, I am. You should work on Dory’s electronics.”

“Arduvia Drive? That old haunted house?” asked the old lady. She adjusted her glasses. “I used to live rather close to there. It’s not as bad as people say. Name, Valerie, by the way.”

“Actually, it really is,” said Percy. Right beside him was Eleanor, an albino woman dressed in a...flapper dress, Aesc would have called it? Percy eyed the old lady suspiciously. “How’d you find us?”
“I saw your three new friends on the way to this place, and decided to bring some food.”
“Good. Wonderful. Now, who’s gonna drive me to Arduvia?” asked Aesc. Blanche had to smile at Aesc’s enthusiasm—meeting a demon curse had barely scared her off at all. Aesc noticed her watching, and winked.
“You can’t take away the car. We need it,” said Aria. “Especially not to that place.”
“In order to fix this, I need clues. In order to find clues, I need to get to the house where it started. And I still don’t have my Foce, so I need a ride. And apparently this world has no Uber. So, can I use the car?”
“No,” said Aria. “The Shade could come at any point. I’m not gonna have us be unprepared.”
“And we just lost Trevor. And I’m sorry, dear, but we don’t know you,” said Eleanor.
Aesc looked disappointed, for a moment. Then she brightened up, and said “I’ll walk, then. Jason, coming with?”
“Actually,” said Valerie. “I could take you. I know the way. Wouldn’t mind seeing my old house, and you look nice. However, I only have enough space in my little car for one person.”
Those nerves of Blanche’s were acting up again. The old lady looked sweet, reminding Blanche of some stereotypical grandma from a ‘50s sitcom. But she too was out of place. Her smile felt too sweet.
“Thank you, Valerie. I’d love a ride. Blanche, help Dory’s jaw. If you need anything, ask Jason to help,” said Aesc.
“I think I’ll go instead,” said Blanche suddenly.

“Err, I mean, I guess,” said Aesc. She looked surprised. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m better at investigation—I was trained for it after all,” said Blanche. “If anything goes wrong, I’ll call you.”
Aesc looked unsure. It took a second for Blanche to realize that Aesc was actually worried for her. She tried to think of a good “placate a worried girlfriend” move, and settled for grabbing her and giving her a quick, but hard kiss. “I’ll be fine. Stay here and talk to Jason. I’m worried about him.”
And with that, Blanche and Valerie drove off.
Blanche looked around in the car. It was tiny, with cramped space, so Blanche practically had to bend over into a ball to fit in. The inside was covered with a mishmash of devices—random wooden fans that stuck out of the dashboard, a ceiling spring that Valerie kept moving up and down for some reason, and a radio operated by touch-screen. It looked like utter chaos to Blanche, but Valerie was comfortable.

“You seem close with that Aesc lady,” said Valerie. She reached into her purse, and Blanche tensed. The old lady rolled her eyes, and took out a muffin. “Want a treat?”

“No thank you. You said that you found our group suddenly? Rather convenient.”

Valerie suddenly lurched the car to the right, and Blanche slammed into the side door. With her head ringing, she glared at the lady, who shrugged apologetically.

“Well, you have to admit that you three seem odd. Dressed in those odd clothes. And Aesc...she looks really out of place. All flamboyance and crazy ways,” said Valerie. A smile played on her lips. “But I suppose it’s nice to have a change of pace here.”

“Does it get boring here?” asked Blanche.
“It’s a bit controlled. Very hum-drum,” said Valerie. “When you get to my age, it’s hard to be surprised.”
“Everyday’s a surprise with Aesc,” said Blanche.
Valerie eyed her for a while. Then, she said “I baked a whole set of cookies for you, and you won’t eat just one? I’m beginning to think you don’t trust me.”

Her sad face dug into Blanche’s heartstrings, but all her instincts told her to be careful. Jason would have said she was being cynical, and she was, but...“I’m very full.” Blanche added an apologetic smile of her own.
Valerie sighed loudly, and then nodded. Clicking one of the springs on the passenger side, she said, “Well then, dear, at least try to sit back. Here, let me adjust the seat.”
Blanche sat back, trying to get comfortable. The seats felt surprisingly soft. “How much farther--”

Pinpricks hit her neck. Blanche jumped up, but immediately, vertigo kicked in, and she fell back down, her muscles paralyzed. 
“Believe it or not, the drug I just injected you with was for Aesc. It’s made to counteract her healing properties. I spent hours getting the drug cocktail just right, so it’s a pity I’m wasting it on you. Are you a Firmament?” asked Valerie calmly.
Vision was getting hazy, and a weird tinny sound rang. Blanche tried to speak, and only sputtering came out.
“Based on your reaction, I’m guessing no. To be fair, I did try to give you the lower dose with the muffin,” said Valerie. She bit her lip, and then picked up the rotary phone in the car, and said “Send in Father Zika. It’s time to end this.”
Blanche tried to get back up, but her limbs just wouldn’t move. Valerie shook her head, and said “There’s a chance you might die, actually. Which would be sad—you seem like a nice girl, though having an interspecies relationship with a Firmament...anyway, don’t die. I have so many questions for you.”

All Blanche could do is swear in her own head, as she was driven to the house on Arduvia Drive. 
* * *

“Come on, Jason,” said Lady Aesc to her sleeping human companion. She poked him with her finger. “Adventure time. Let’s go after my girlfriend.”

Jason opened an eye. “She can take care of herself. She’s good at beating stuff up.”

“She’s good in other ways too. Lots of other ways,” said Aesc, wiggling her eyebrows. Jason rolled his eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that! Well, yes, I did, but not completely. Seriously, I’m concerned.”
“Let me sleeeep,” moaned Jason, covering his head with a pillow.
Aesc stuck her tongue out at him, but walked back into the living room. Dory was sleeping on the couch in the far wall, their jaw now safely reattached. Their faces looked so peaceful, and Aesc wondered if they were dreaming. Aesc had tried to fix up Dory’s cybernetic components, but it wasn’t a lot she could do. Her Foce probably had better tools, but her Foce wasn’t here. Tough luck. Of course, the Firmament of Cyber-Healing could have fixed Dory in a jiffy...not that she’d seen that Firmament since the time she’d accidentally lost track of him. Last she heard that he’d ended up causing a “right-to-self-repair robot” riot on the planet Mars. Sometimes she thought maybe she should go and check on him, well, her now, but life was always too busy.

Thinking of that Firmament made her think of home, and that made her think of that symbol on Aria’s sword. At first, she had assumed that this was just another of Professor Meistras’ plots, but now she wasn’t so sure. Mystical curses and evil boogeymen were definitely her ex-prof’s style, but usually more direct violence was used. This felt too convoluted, too complex. Too many moving pieces.

Not that she minded. She loved puzzles, all sorts of puzzles, including magical murdery ones. Those were some of her favorites, actually. Except for the murder part. Especially when her girlfriend Blanche was out there. Ugh. Why wouldn’t Jason just get up? She closed her eyes. Her senses told her that his stress hormone levels were rather high, far more than normal. She needed to have a “what’s wrong, friend” chat soon—hopefully with Blanche there as a mediator, to help bridge any cultural gaps.
Aesc was so deep in thought that she barely noticed that she had almost crashed straight into Ariadne. “Sorry. Was thinking.”

“Yeah, no problem,” said Aria. “How’s Dory?”

“Fine. I fixed up her jaw,” said Aesc.

Aria nodded. “I worry about them. I worry about all of them.”

“Figures. You’re the one with the sword,” said Aeac. “I once used a sword. Back when I was on a mission with my gf Nemesis—that’s her name, not that she was a nemesis girlfriend, though I have one of those too—I went on a mission to find the old sword of Athena in some Grecian graveyard. Ended up tangling with some girl called Frey, who announced herself as a war queen. We became best buds later, and I heard she joined a pacifist group—am I boring you?”

“No,” said Aria, laughing. “I mean, you’re different than what I’m used to, but no. Go on...You told me that my sword was Firmament tech?”

“Yes. Firmament. We’re...every concept in the conceptual verse has an embodiment, in this set of universes at least. Each Firmament is an embodiment of that aspect of the universe, stuffed in a body and prancing around in sentience. I’m the embodiment of Biological Healing,” said Lady Aesc. She grabbed a cup from the drawer, and poured herself some milk, as Aria looked on. “Every time you get hurt, and your body scars up and knits back together, a part of me feels it. I feel it, whenever it happens, to any person.”
“Wow,” said Aria.
“Wow indeed. I felt it ever since my first body, though usually it’s in the back of my mind--”
“First body?”
“Yeah, Firmament’s change bodies when we die. When I was a young Firmament, I started out as a young girl, later became a young redheaded man, was a man again a few bodies later, blah blah blah. Now I’m out of there, with utterly fabulous bodies that suit me. Like thus,” said Aesc, gesturing to her current body.
“So,” started Aria, “you can just change gender, instantly...Can anyone become a Firmament?”
“No. Not sure we’d let them do it if they could try.”
“Mhhmm,” said Aria. She seemed disappointed somehow, though Aesc couldn’t guess why. Aria stared down, thinking deeply. Then she leaned over and said “I have dreams, sometimes. Where I see a crystal city.”
“So do I. I had a dream where I met a chocolate werewolf--”
“Yeah, but in my dreams, I’ve heard the words Firmament,” said Aria quietly. “In my dreams, I am a Firmament, except I look different, feel different. I have a different name, that I can’t quite remember, and I feel...so merciless, like I could tear the world apart. I can sense every wrong thing that anyone’s guilty about, and know how to punish them. To make them feel the consequences of what they’ve done.”

Aesc suddenly wished that Jason or Blanche was here. “Do you hurt people in those dreams?”

“Sometimes. But only when people deserve it. Funny thing is, I’ve seen you in those dreams. Or rather, your sister, Myrrhine,” said Ariadne. Her voice sounded different now, with almost a different accent. “She… serves food.”

“Oh, she serves a wonderful pound cake.”

“I’ve...eaten them before. In my dreams. Even before the curse happened, I saw the Shade in my nightmares. I saw the sword. It scared the hell out of me, especially since my parents didn’t understand why their little boy was screaming in the middle of the night about being a Firmament,” said Ariadne.
“I’m sorry,” said Aesc. “That must have been terrible.”
“Wasn’t all bad. When I realized how comfortable I felt as a woman in my dreams, it helped me…later on,” said Aria. “And having dreams where I was a badass immortal avenger sort of made the shittier days more bearable. But when I saw the book from my nightmares, I just felt, like a feeling of dread. But also kinda hopef--”
“GUYS!” screamed Jason from the living room. “There’s a blue walking animal mascot in the house!”
Jason was cringing on the back end of a wall, pointing at a waist-high blue ...mouse-squirrel looking creature, with a jagged tail. Its beady eyes were dark black, and its small mouth was shaped into a smile. It reminded Aesc of…

Aesc yelped out “Holy fuck, are you a Pika--”

“No, sinners!!!” screamed out the strange quokka-looking thing. “I am Father Zika! The bringer of your judgment.”
“It speaks!” screamed out Jason.
Dory lowered theirself to its eye level. “Looks kinda cute, too. Hello, Father Zika.”
“I am not ‘cute’, scum,” said Father Zika in a very cute, chirpy voice. “I was once a poor priest, with so much to live for, until you heathens came to my land.”
“Who’s a heathen?” asked Percy, who had just walked in, with Eleanor by his side. Both their  eyes grew wide at the appearance of Father Zika. Looking at Aesc, he said “One of yours?”
“NO!” screamed Father Zika. Aesc noticed sparks coming out of its cheeks. “I am not one of the accursed Firmament. Indeed, one of your kind brought me into this accursed body. From then on, I have been roaming the lands, forced to be a Zikacru.”
“Damn,” said Aesc. 
“That’s cool, dude. Now, could you get to the point of why you’re here,” said Jason, who appeared to be relaxing a bit.
“Idiots. I said already. For your doom,” said Zikacru.
Aria shook her head. “What did we do to deserve doom?”
“You are all part-witch. Especially the sword-wielder,” said Zika.

“Hold on, witches? And how do you know she’s a sword-wielder?” asked Aesc. “Who’s the demon?”
Zika chuckled. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“Will you stop speaking in riddles, you furry squirrel?” asked Jason.
“I. AM. Not. A SQUIRREL!” screamed Father Zikacru. Blue flashes of light sparked from his cheeks, and the lights started to flicker. “ZIKA! ZIKA!”
“Oh my god, he’s doing an electric-type attack--” started Aesc in gleeful recognition, before several volts of electricity rammed into her system, and arced into the others. Ariadne and Eleanor were jerked into the ground, while Percy’s frizzy hair spiraled up. Dory screamed, and then stopped speaking. Aesc gritted her teeth, and focused her abilities on healing the microtears on the muscles of the other humans. And for the first time, she sensed that Ariadne wasn’t quite human.

“What the fuck?” said Ariadne, but the only reply was Father Zika ramming into her stomach. Ariadne doubled back, wheezing.
“Oh god, it’s super effective!” Lady Aesc gasped in horror.
“Now, after centuries, I’m ready to have my vengeance!” cried Zika.
Aesc leapt over to grab him, but she slipped as the little animal-man zoomed out of her grasp. “Can we talk about this? I really don’t want to hurt someone who has had to be a blue furball. So tell me—who turned you? You said it’s one of my race—which one?” asked Aesc.
“Who cares. You’re all the same,” said Zikacru. She could tell that he was holding something back, though. 
“Xylia?” asked Ariadne. A mixture of confusion and anger was on her face. “Was the creature named Xylia?”
Father Zikawas taken off-guard. Then he smiled, and said “You’ve seen her in your dreams, haven’t you?”
“What do you know about my dreams?” asked Ariadne. “Tell me what you know.”
Aesc felt someone turn her around, and saw Dory silently tugging at her wrist. Dory’s jaw was limp, and she realized the cybernetics had been affected by the electric attack. Aesc looked at Dory’s wrist, and it said 2.
Ariadne looked at Dory, and said “Everyone, check your wrists--”
“ZIKA ZIKA!” screamed Zikacru again. Aesc grabbed the metal whisk in her pocket, holding it in front of her like a lightning rod, forcing the shock to all go into her. For about a minute, she was completely blacked-out. It was refreshing.
When she awakened, Ariadne had her sword to Zika’s throat. Dory was unconscious, and Jason was angrily holding an umbrella, waving it at Zika.
“I swore to only use this blade on a Shade. Don’t make me a liar,” said Ariadne. 
“Mhhmmm,” said Zika. “Playing at the hero. But you’re just a scared little girl.”
Ariadne suddenly looked up, and Percy’s eyes went wide. Aesc ran to Dory’s wrist, and saw 0.
“It’s here!” said Percy. “I can smell it. It’s here.”
Eleanor looked at her wrist, and was about to speak, when a dark shape from the floor leapt up and grabbed her, swallowing her inside itself.
“I’ve been playing at making a sermon,” said Father Zika, as darkness crept from the outside, and slowly filled Aesc’s vision. A dark muck started to fall from a stain in the ceiling, marking the floor in a muddy heap. “But I’m really a distraction. Compliments of House Arduvia.”
“Everyone, get out now!” said Lady Aesc. To Zika, she asked “Who is House Arduvia?”
Zika smiled. And, from the muck, the Shade rose up.
“Hello, Ariadne,” said the Shade, in Professor Meistras’ voice.
* * *

Blanche opened up her eyes, tied to a chair, and immediately surveyed the area. The large room had a crystal ceiling, with artificial yellow light coming in through the windows. Several glass cases were scattered in the room, each containing a different device, like a big golden funnel, a set of giant scissors, and a red amulet that whispered when Blanche looked at it. So Blanche didn’t look at it.
She was wondering whether she could drag her chair to the shears, when a hologram Valerie appeared in front of her. 
“Hello, Blanche? That is your name, right? Am I pronouncing it wrong?” asked Valerie.
“Not at all. Why do you have me tied up?”
“I figured that you might be a bit jumpy after you woke. Question: do you have combat experience, dear?”
“A bit,” said Blanche, scanning the walls for a camera. It scared her how easy she slipped into her interrogation training. “Do you want a live demonstration?”

“Later. First off, what is your relationship with Aesc? It is romantic, correct?”
“A lady never tells. Why do you care?”
“Well...” started Valerie, and then shrugged. “I’ll tell you. You’ve been so polite. I care, because I want to kill Lady Aesc.”
Blanche smiled. “You’re not the first person to try.”
“Oh, yes, and I wouldn’t even be the first person to succeed. Firmament are slippery fellas. They don’t stay dead. We call them weeds around here—oh, when I say ‘we’, I mean House Arduvia. My company.”
“Arduvia...that was the name of the street where those kids got cursed. Your company did that?”
“Cursed?” laughed Valerie. “They think it’s a curse… ya know, when House Arduvia first came here, this was supposed to be a short-term project. Simply investigate the alien body poisoning the planet’s biosphere, and then leave with the data. But we ended up stationed here for decades. Lucky accident, though.”
“There’s an alien poisoning the planet?”
“Mmmhmm. See, when Firmament come back in new bodies, they leave their old bodies behind. This particular body took a long time to decompose, and its essence leached into the soil. Making everyone there a bit Firmament-y. So, naturally, we took advantage. We studied the effects. The timeline of the planet itself has gone wonky, causing people from all corners of time and space to end up here. It’s rather fascinating.”
Blanche’s wrists were getting irritated from her struggles with the rope. “So, why do you want to kill Firmaments?”

“Oh, you don’t want our origin story, dear. Suffice to say, millenia ago, an angry Firmament came in and wiped out a whole town. The survivors decided ‘Never again.’ And so my company was born. By the way, I see you’re having issues with the straps. ”

The straps slipped themselves off. Blanche got up from the chair, and stretched. “Thank you. Okay, so you’re mad at the Firmament, whatever. But what’s up with--”

Valerie sighed. “Unfortunately, this experiment is nearly reaching its end. Your Aesc is coming in to wreck my narrative, and that won’t do. And our weapon against the Firmament is nearly at hand.”

Valerie disappeared. Suddenly, the glass cases disappeared, and a door opened up on the far side. A laser blast zipped past Blanche, singeing her white mane of hair.
“Now, dear, about that combat experience...” said Valerie from speakers in the walls. “My employers specialize in making weaponry to arm humanity against the Firmament. We’ve been able to scrounge up various Firmament artifacts, but we so rarely test them. I was hoping to use Aesc, but I got you instead. Still, this’ll do.”

Several robots with buzzing saws and axes marched in, glowering at Blanche with red eyes (why do the angry robot soldiers always have red eyes, Blanche wondered). Blanche grabbed an ax from one of the display cases, and immediately felt a sharp ear pain.

“An ax from the Firmament of Hearing Loss. Pretty effective, though if used too long, bye-bye to listening to those, uhm, podcast thingies. See, each object is from a different Firmament, but they all have side-effects. Your job is to defend yourself using these objects. Be forewarned: pick wrongly, and you might die.”

“What the hell?” asked Blanche. The pain was getting higher, and she threw the ax away and grabbed a spear instead. Her hands instantly felt like they were frozen. “This is barely science!”

“Funding cuts means we have to make do with what we have.”

As the robots surrounded her, Blanche said “I hope none of you are sentient.” 

“Of course they’re not sentient. What do you think I am, a monster?” said Valerie. “Speaking of-- wonder how the Shade is doing.”
* * *
When they first encountered the Shade, it had been a small, waist-high creature. T had thought it was a small monkey, but even then, Aria had sensed something was off. Its beady eyes had felt intensely wrong, yet familiar. And then, it attacked Felicia, swallowing her whole. The next time they saw it, it had grown taller, with stronger muscles, and sharper teeth. Each victim it took made it stronger.

Aria got stronger too. Not as strong as the Shade, she felt healthier. She hadn’t noticed at first, and by the time she did, she’d decided to tell no one. Not even Dory. She was determined to use that strength to stop it, no matter what.

As of now, she was doing a bad job of that. Dory was hiding behind her, as the Shade slowly marched forward, leaving decayed grass underfoot. It was huge now, taller than her, a lumbering hulk underneath reams of dirt. Her sword felt warm in her palm, ready to strike. In the distance, she could hear Aesc and Jason fighting with Father Zikacru, but her eyes were focused on the Shade.

“Aria. You should just give up. It’s not worth all the effort to save Dory,” it whispered, in Aria’s own voice. “I know how much it tires you, defending these people.”

“Dory,” muttered Aria. “Take the car keys, and get out of here.”

The Shade charged at Aria, and slammed into her body. It felt like a brick wall had punched her. Aria swung her blade forward, slicing at the Shade’s chest. The Shade dodged, and swung again. If it wasn’t for the fact that her reflexes had also gotten quicker, she would have been laid out flat. Instead, she cut straight into its elbow, and the Shade winced, screeching at the floor.

Aria took a look behind herself, and saw Dory hesitating. “Go!”

“Yes, go,” said the Shade. “Go, Dory, and let other people handle the work.”

Dory’s face looked scared, but they kept going. Aria felt her feet give way as the Shade dragged her to the floor suddenly, leaving her dazed for a moment. The Shade threw her into the distance and her back hit a tree. Then the creature moved to Dory. Suddenly, she saw Father Zikacru flying high in the sky, as Aesc marched forward with satisfaction.

“That’s for being a ripoff of a children’s...oh, who cares,” sighed Aesc. She looked at Aria, and said “Oh, hello!”

“The Shade’s after Dory! Stop being silly, and get them!”

Aesc immediately ran after the two. Aria gave herself two seconds to breathe, and then started running herself. When she got to the car, she saw Aesc in between Dory and the Shade. She heard footsteps, and saw Jason and Percy coming up behind her.
“Percy, give Dory some of your number now!” said Aria.
“I only have 2 left,” said Percy.
“I don’t care!” said Aria suddenly. Why did people make life so hard. If only people would just listen, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to protect them. And she couldn’t have Dory dying, not now.
“Hey, Betty!” said Aesc. “ Listen, something I’ve been meaning to ask you: you know an Arbiter of Dark Consequences called Xylia? Cause she keeps coming up in this whole curse thing. “
The Shade ignored her, but Aesc kept blabbering.
“Cause, see, I’ve met actual fantastic demonic creatures, and magical beasts. Straight up Harry Potter stuff, yo. I know when I’m meeting a creature of ultimate evil,” said Aesc. “So I know you’re not it, really. Oh, you’re big and bad, but you’re not magic. So, what are you?”
Aria slowly turned to Percy, and said “Share your number with Dory.”
Percy hesitated for a moment. Then he ran straight for Dory’s car, as they were about to drive away.
“Your species’ reckoning,” replied the Shade, and it grabbed Percy mid-run, and threw him into Aesc’s direction. It threw itself into the car, breaking the back window. All Aria heard was the glass shattering, and Dory’s half-finished scream. Then the Shade emerged from the car, smiling, its stomach tentacles rippling as Dory’s form was being sucked in.
Aria could barely speak. The Shade said something, but she didn’t hear it. It was like her body wasn’t even hers anymore, as she ran at the creature, slashing wildly. She felt someone drag her away, and looked back to see Jason.
“Let me go!” screamed Aria.
Aesc jammed her spyglass inside the Shade’s closing hole, causing it to flare back up. Pain shot up within Aria’s own stomach, and she doubled over to the floor.
Aesc didn’t say a word. There was no smile on her face now. Her gaze was focused, as she pushed the spyglass further in, increasing the gaping hole’s size.
“G-going to kill me, Aesc? Your professor would be proud,” said the Shade.
Aesc coldly responded “Another thing, Betty. That hole in your chest? Seems really, really deep. But it’s not endless, is it?”
“Aesc, what are you--?” 
“I’ve been thinking, it’s not even that deep a hole. So...” snarled Aesc, “where are you taking all these kids you’ve been terrorizing?”
She looked back at Jason and Aria, and winked. Then she leapt forward.
“YEET!” yelled Aesc, as she jumped into the giant hole in the monster’s chest, and disappeared as it closed back up.
The Shade stared down at its chest, and shrugged. Looking at Percy, it winked. “Be seeing you around.”
And then it disappeared.
* * *
Jason looked around. Percy slumped on the ground, though he couldn’t blame the guy. And Aria...Aria had an expression that Jason could only describe as utterly broken. She didn’t even seem to notice that Jason was staring at her.
“You hesitated,” said Aria suddenly. She turned to Percy, and stared at him with dagger-eyes. “You hesitated when I asked you to save her.”
“I did not have the time to save the poor girl,” said Percy.
Aria slapped him, hard. “I saw you hesitate. I saw you let her die.”
“Aria, calm down,” said Jason, who realized that was absolutely not the thing to say.
“All this time I’ve spent saving you. All of you. Slaving away, day in and day out. All the times Dory shared their counter with you, even when it was a risk. And you actually hesitated.” 
“Listen, I’m sorry,” said Percy. “I was terrified and I--”
“You think I care? You think I care about how scared you were, when Dory’s dead?” said Aria. Was her skin actually getting paler? “You didn’t deserve your life. You were always a privileged twit. But Dory--”
“Aria,” interrupted Jason. He pointed at Father Zika, who was trying to crawl away. Upon being spotted, it ran, but got cut off by Jason.
“Where’d the Shade take her?” asked Jason.
Zika rolled his eyes. “Should I know, heathens?”
A sharp crystal blade hit the furry mascot’s neck, and nearly drew blood. “If you don’t know, it’ll be your head,” said Aria.
“Try Arduvia Drive,” said Zika. “That seems to where it all started.”
“You’re taking us there,” commanded Aria. Her skin was definitely paler now, and her voice sounded different too.
“And if you try to ZIKA-ZIKA, we’ll drop you off to live in a zoo,” said Jason trying to sound convincing. To be fair, threatening an evil mascot did feel kinda good.
But Aria seemed to be enjoying it even more. A wide smile covered her face, almost too joyful. “Yes...that would be an appropriate consequence. Just desserts, even.”
“...Yeah. Okay, let’s go in the car,” said Jason. “Come on, Perc--
“Percy, you stay here. So I’ll know where you are, if the Shade attacks.”
“And if it gets me before you get to me?”
“I won’t let that happen,” said Aria. “But it’d be what you deserve.”
Was it just Jason, or did Aria’s voice sound like...Captain Whiskers now?
* * *
Blanche clapped two cymbals together, and the two remaining robots in front of her started to dance. She kept tap-dancing, as that was the only way to move while using these things. From her guess, these devices were from the Arbiter of Dance or whatever. Being forced to dance was a rather light side effect of using them, as opposed to the

- Being chased by screaming water ghouls

- slowly turning into a pile of hair

- being forced to hear high-volume crappy pop songs every time she breathed

and other wonderful side-effects she’d dealt with while battling through Valerie’s “tests.” With these last assailants dealt with, Blanche ran down the hall. She’d been getting deeper and deeper into the facilities, occasionally seeing some workers. Besides the death machines, the whole place looked like a normal office. There were a bunch of computers with monitors around, showing images of the town, and at least twenty other cities on Earth 2.
These people were watching the whole planet.
Bursting into yet another room, she came face-to-face with the Shade. But it wasn’t moving, its eyes were closed, and its arm hung limply at its side. Connected to it were wires, labeled “Charging cables”, and on the other side was a computer screen saying “Update 85% complete.”
Blanche spotted some papers. They all seemed to be about toxic thought-patterns, creating psychic feedback loops, animating metal meshes realistically…. Blanche moved on, and saw several bodies under sheets on operating tables. Each body had a label over them, like “Felicia” or ”Eleanor”. Noticing one labeled “Trevor”, Blanche lifted the cover, and recognized the face. Trevor had small tubes sticking out of him, draining his blood.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” said a voice behind her. A man with a white coat on, wheeling in another body, was staring at her.
“Who is that?”
“This one’s... labeled Dory,” said the scientist.
“Are these kids dead?” said Blanche.
“No, we need their biomatter for the big scary-scary over there,” he said, nodding toward the Shade. “That Aria girl’s biomatter was a big help in making it, but we’ve had to scrounge with this kids’ blood since then. They’re alive—wait, who are you again?”
“Who knows?” said Blanche, laying a kick to his head. “You know, people like you make my promise to my girlfriend to not be cruel very difficult.”
She moved the sheet, and was surprised when Aesc jumped out and gave her a kiss.
“Blanche! Guess where the Shade teleported me to! I took a leap of faith, and ended up here!” said Aesc. “Dory, you can come out now!”
Dory came from around the corner. Their face was slightly bruised, but looked fine besides. “Hey.”
Aesc nodded. “Hey indeed. So, weird scientist man, why are you...like, everything you’ve done. Just...why?”

“Humanity, robotkind, everything in the universe needs weapons against the Firmament,” said Valerie suddenly. Her hologram appeared again, standing in front of Aesc. Her usual smile was gone now, replaced with a grim expression. “And this, all this, is what House Arduvia is made for. To defend the people.”

“Bullshit. The Firmament are literally the underpinnings of the universe. Why the hell do you want to kill us?”

Valerie crossed her arms. “It’s funny. This is my first time meeting one of you, and you’re just as arrogant as the records show. Your kind constantly shows up in history, prancing about like jesters, while causing massive damage.”

“Hold on. Aesc doesn’t cause damage. Not intentionally,” said Blanche.

“Really? We have records of your dear girlfriend causing a wave to flood the city of Panos VII. She never even looked back, and she left them all destitute and homeless.”

“Yeah, but the city was filled by people funded by anti-robot bigots, so I didn’t feel too bad,” said Aesc.
“Or when you set a dragon to burn down the Queen of Death’s castle. Guards died!”
“...I’m not sure I remember that.”
“It happened.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think they like died, maybe got crispy-browned, also they were trying to kill me—hold on, wasn’t that like, several adventures ago? You expect people to actually remember continuity? Our readers don’t have time for that!”
“Listen—who cares! None of that justifies terrorizing us!” said Dory.

Valerie sighed, and added “It’s not just the lives ruined, or the communities destroyed. Aesc’s kind come in, and change the narratives by just existing. They count on it. For example, Aesc here, in the back of her head, hopes that I’ll see the errors of my ways, or realize that bigotry against Firmament is bad,or some other happy, healing dosh of an ending. But that’s Not. Gonna. Happen.”
“Wow, that’s rude. Happy endings are lit,” said Aesc. “So, you’re making weapons? The Shade over there seems pretty boring.”
“The Shade isn’t the weapon, dear,” said Valerie. “OPERATION XYLIA, activate!”
The Shade suddenly vanished into thin air.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason and Aria walked into the house on Arduvia street. The walls looked old, but smelled like pine sol. The wooden floors creaked loudly as they walked in. Father Zika was in front, looking awfully smug. That was one thing that really worried Jason. The other thing was Aria. Her skin was deathly white, and her hair, usually bright yellow, looked black.
“I’ve...failed,” moaned Aria.
“No you haven’t. Percy’s still alive,” said Jason. “And you’ve done your best.”
Aria leaned on the walls. “I need to rest...Dory, they...you know, the only reason that they got involved was because...I talked to them at first because I thought their brother was cute, and thought getting to know the sibling might help—I mean, later, I got to caring about them. Dory, they are so sweet—were….”
Father Zika just watched, smiling. 
Aria’s eyes were drooping closed. Jason tapped her on the shoulder, and her eyes opened, now blood-red. She coughed, and said “I brought Dory to this place. I should have just stayed home. The brother never even noticed...Felicia, Dory, they’re all dead. I knew this place was bad somehow, and I let Dory go ...I failed at being the hero...I deserve...”
“Yes,” said the Shade. It was standing in the shadows of the hallway. “What do you deserve?”
Father Zika giggled loudly.
“Aria, what’s going on?” said Jason. “You don’t deserve anything bad. Don’t listen to them!
The Shade suddenly moved to Aria, smothering her, and then covering her skin. Red light glowed from the union.
“Oh fuck fuck---oh FUCK,” Jason repeated.
“I...see now. I’ve been protecting everyone. Even people who didn’t deserve it...You deserve. You all deserve to be punished,” screeched Aria, black shadows covering her body, as dark tentacles emerged. Two crystal swords appeared in her arms.
A man with a clipboard walked into the room. He looked from Jason to the mass of writhing shadows that was now Aria. “Hi, I’m Jeff, the HR manager of Arduvia. Uh, are you the new hires?”
Aria glided to him, wrapping him with her tentacles. “Ahh, you’ve got sins a-plenty. Boop!”
Jeff’s skin turned green and scaly, as he shrunk, until he was a snake.
Father Zika clapped. “Behold, the first Firmament-human fusion! The first weapon against the demons!”
The Shade-Aria grinned at Jason. “That was fun. Let’s do it to some more people!”
* * *

“You see!” said Valerie. She gestured at the monitor showing the outdoors, where Aria was flying over the town. Everywhere she pointed, houses would burn, or people would transform. “Aria is the product of years of the Firmament of Dark Consequence’s corpse infecting the populace, making them all part Xylia. She is the first hybrid, the first real attempt for the non-Firmament to defend themselves. With her, we will have our first weapon against your kind, Aesculapius!”

“You did this to my friend, to all my friends, just so you could transform Aria into that!” yelled Dory. “You’re sick!”

“That’s, uh...fair. To be honest, we didn’t expect Aria to befriend you all. In past versions of this project, the hybrid usually--by the way, the Numbers didn’t actually mean anything deep, it just let our programmers keep track of who next to send the Shade after—anyway, the hybrid usually ended up leaving the “Numbered” to be picked off by the Shade by at least the third ‘death’. We were surprised when Ariadne actually tried to protect you all. Usually, the hybrid dies either in the middle, or doesn’t reach the final stage. But Aria’s a special lady.”
Suddenly, several more armed robots ran into the room. “That, dears, is my security force. Can’t have you all mucking in here.”
Blanche got into a fighting stance with her cymbals. Aesc, however, looked at the ceiling. Cupping her ears, she nodded.
“What are you doing?” asked Valerie.
“My Foce was light-years away when I first came here. So, it’s been moving as fast as possible, any faster and it would have broken the universe. But, I’ve been patient,” said Aesc.
“What do you mean… Wait, no--” started Valerie.
A large crystal sphere rammed into the wall, crushing the robots in one swoop. Aesc did a little jig, and said “Okay, anyone have a phone?”

Dory nodded, and Aesc took it from them, reaching into her pocket, and then slapped her forehead. “Oof! JJ’s still with Aria. I do hope that he’s ok.
* * *
Just keep following Aria, just keep following Aria. That’s all Jason focused on, as he kept track of the destruction that Aria was causing. She was now in front of a group of screaming girls.

“Ahh, you called me a loser back in high school! Boop you!” said Aria to the girls, who all suddenly started saying “LOSERS! LOSERS!” simultaneously. One of the girls tried to run away, and Aria nonchalantly whispered “Boop” and that girl grew spotty fur and cat ears.

“Aria, you need to stop this!” said Jason. “This isn’t you!”

“I’m tired of not having fun. Of cleaning other people’s messes,” yelled Aria, flying back up into the air. “Now I’m having more fun than I ever had before!”
“Yes, but you sound like a super-villain. A really corny one!” called out Jason. “Listen, I know what it feels like to think you’re a failure. I know what it feels like to just screw up utterly, or to get traumatized and to just run away. Like, I’ve been there. But you’re better than this, Aria. You don’t have to be some evil punisher of justice. Be what Dory would want you to be.”
Aria frowned. For a moment, her tentacles relaxed and retracted, and Jason could see her blue eyes again, as the shadows diminished. Tears started to form on her eyes.
Then a book walloped into Jason’s face, sending him to the floor.
“Silence, sinner!” said Father Zika, as he slapped Jason again with the book. “Retribution is at hand! Do not stop the reckon--”
A familiar white-haired face appeared behind Father Zika, and Zika suddenly felt himself being picked up, and lowered into a box. Blanche held the ceramic container, and said “I always preferred the digital orange dino anyway.”
“Blanche! Hey!” said Jason.
“Jason, hey,” said Blanche. “Hope you’re doing okay. I presume the flying, cackling person in the air is Aria?”
“I tried to talk her down, but Blue McFurry got in my way.”
Blanche grabbed Jason, and then ran down the street, turning the corner to reveal the Foce. Jason scrambled onto the sphere, and saw Dory and Trevor, as well as several other people he didn’t recognize.
“Jason!” said Dory. “Where’s Aria?”
“Up there!” said Blanche. “Foce, to Aria!”
The sphere increased in size, and slowly floated up into the sky, where Aria was booping away.
“Aria!” screamed out Dory. “What are you doing?”
“Who dares interrupt—Dory?”

Aria hung in mid-air, her face in complete shock. “Dory? You’re dead...I saw you die. And Trevor, and Felicia...”

“No, we’re all alive. We were captured by the Shade, and used for an experiment to turn you into some sort of weapon against the Firman...”

“Firmament. This whole thing was meant to turn you into a way to fight them off!” said Blanche. “You were being used the whole time. The Shade was just a way to change you into this!”

Aria floated down to the ground, her hair now completely back to its yellow. Color returned to her cheeks, and the two swords in her hands returned to just one, with her tentacles wrapping into a black dress. “So...you’re all okay?”
She took a deep breath, and then nodded her head, to herself, it seemed. Then she ran up to Dory, and hugged them tightly. It was the happiest Jason had seen her. As Aria talked to her friends, Jason leaned over to Blanche and whispered “Where’s Aesc?”
* * *
Aesc stepped in Valerie’s path.
“You know, how much did you get paid to ruin Aria’s life? Was it worth it?” asked Aesc.
“80,000 in American dollars a year, plus healthcare and measly bonuses,” replied Valerie, with a sad smile. “I didn’t do it for the money, but to defend humanity.”

“I don’t actually think your motive is wrong. Like, I can check my privilege—the Firmament run around the 10,000 Dawns, and we do cause trouble. So, I get it. If I was human, I’d like someone to back up my corner. But you hurt those kids. That wasn’t fair.”

“Dear, I’m 75. At my age, fairness is far down the list,” said Valerie.

In a flash of light, a woman appeared right beside Aesc. Her face had harsh, angular features, with an aquiline nose, and an angry stare. Her coat was a dark maroon red, with white pants. She tut-tutted, and said “So this is the woman who has been using my corpse.”

“You—you’re Xylia?” said Valerie, looking horrified.

“Yep. Aesc here bribed me to come fix this mess in return for her sister Myrhh’s pies. I L-O-V-E those pies,” said Xylia. “And I’m sort of in the middle of sending angry wasps to attack an evil spider-humanoid, so I gotta be quick. So, how do you wanna be punished?”
“I brought you here to fix the town back up, not punish anyo--”
“Then, Aesc, you could have called up the Firmament of “Let’s Be Merciful” or whatever. I’m Dark Consequences, so I gotta stay on-brand. So, let’s see, Val, you’ve endangered children, traumatized people, littered in the streets, tried to kill Aesc...oohh, I know what to do!”
“No killing or painful stuff,” warned Aesc.
Xylia sighed. “Fine, but I want five separate pies of Myrrh. With extra sprinkles.”
“Agreed.”
“What if I want to repent my ways?” asked Valerie.
“Too late,” said Xylia. “Boop!”
Valerie flew into the sky, and then disappeared into a flash of light.

Xylia chuckled. “Don’t worry. I just sent her to a planet filled with clowns. All very friendly clowns, and she’ll be well-taken care of...but she has a clown phobia.”
“That was...okay, I guess that fits,” grumbled Aesc. “Now will you fix the town? You sort of caused this by being lazy and leaving your corpse around.”
Xylia floated in the sky, pulled out a big crystal funnel-shaped horn, and then yelled out a giant “BOOP!” that reverberated through the town.
All the people that Aria had transformed reverted back to normal. The cheetah-girl’s fur fell off, and the “LOSERS” girls stopped yelping. Houses started to rebuild themselves, and the fires evaporated.
Aesc saw the Foce, and noticed Father Zika’s body burst from the ceramic box as he finally turned back to human form.
“It is a holy miracle!” cried out Zika. “You finally freed me!”
“Who are you again?” asked Xylia.
“Aesc!” said Aria, who floated down to the ground. She landed softly on her toes. “You’re okay.”
“Never better.”
“The numbers are gone from everyone’s wrists. I think the curse is over,” said Dory.
Xylia turned to Zika, who was whooping and hollering, and said “Boop!”
Father Zika was now a small purple gargoyle.
“That’s for cursing those kids,” said Xylia. While Zika angrily flew away, she said, “Alright, this was nice. Need to go.”
“Wait!” said Aria. “I’m...I got my sword from you, right? All my powers, and this weird black tentacle dress...it’s from being part-you.”
“Yeah. You probably all used to have normal lives, but my corpse made time go freaky, and you were born part-me. You probably all have a bit of my soul in you, whoops. You most of all, Aria. You’re almost my kid. Ugh, I feel old,” said Xylia.
“So, what do I do now?”
“Dunno. Use my powers for good. Or naughtiness, I don’t care. Though if you’re bad,” said Xylia, and she grinned widely, “There’ll be consequences. Dark consequences.”
Xylia laughed heartily, and flew off.
The whole group just stood there. No one spoke for a moment.
“Okay, so that was weird,” said Dory. “Can we agree that was really, really weird?”
* * *
Dory bit into a scrumptious chocolate chip cookie, as Aria lounged on the couch to the right. Aria had declared to the whole of the ex-numbered that they were going on a vacation. It had been a busy set of days, with Dory catching the other ex-numbered up with what had happened.

Aria had went back to investigate House Arduvia, but all traces of the company were gone. Aesc had promised Dory that she would keep an eye out for them, but she guessed that Arduvia would steer clear of Earth 2 for a while. Blanche and Jason had worked together to fix up Dory’s cybernetic jaw, and Aesc had upgraded it with “self-healing nanites”, so they wouldn’t need constant maintenance.

Aria had spent most of the next few days resting and sleeping. All the stress of dealing with the Shade had finally taken its toll. Her black tentacles still occasionally flared up, apparently a permanent addition.

“Aria, Listen, thanks for everything you did,” said Dory.

“Thank Aesc and the gang. I nearly destroyed everything,” said Aria.

“I mean, for protecting us and all. Seriously, I don’t know if I could have done it, all those months.”

Aria cocked her head to the side, and smiled. “Yeah, you could have. Thank goodness it’s over.”

“Do you still have the sword?” asked Dory.

Aria closed her eyes, and the sword pulsed out. It looked longer, and shinier, than before. “I can still feel it burning inside me. Like it’s still waiting for a fight. Not sure for who, though.”
Percy called out. “Ladies, something’s going on with Aesc outside!”

Three men in armor were pointing golden-tipped blue spears at Aesc, Jason, and Blanche.

“Jason Jackson!” said the blonde one in the center. “You betrayed me for the dragons! You tried to escape, but we placed a tracker on you all, and now we’ve found you!”

“Seriously, dude, you travelled across the universe because I didn’t join your guild?” said Jason. “That’s either impressive or stalkery.”

The blonde guy sputtered “I-it’s not stalkery! This is justice! A punishment you deserve!”

Aria lifted her sword up. “I’m really tired of people talking about punishment.”

Aesc shook her head. “Let us handle this. You’ve done enough. Just chill. These are the sort of problems my team deal with.”

Blanche groaned. “And by handle, she means--”

The three adventurers disappeared, and Aria’s group lived normal lives.

Well, until the Hycorax Bandits came looking for Xylia’s remains….

But that’s Aria and Dory’s stories. That’s for another time.


​